The Loneliest Girl in the Universe(34)
I think that the first time we meet we’ll have to sit down and just tell each other things for three days straight. I usually end up cutting out half of what I’ve written in these emails, because they get so long. I can’t help it. I never mean to, but as soon as I start writing, it turns out I have so much to tell you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really like you, Romy. More than I expected to. To be honest, I was really nervous about getting in touch – I had no idea what you would be like. Now I can’t wait to see you.
I wonder if we would have been friends, if we had been meeting in less exceptional circumstances. I hope so. I really do, neighbor.
J xx
J likes me! Probably just as a friend, of course – but that’s more than I was expecting! He likes me!
I can feel myself blushing, alone on my spaceship in the middle of a galaxy. I feel like the stupidest teenage girl ever to exist, getting hysterical over a boy. A boy who likes talking to me so much that he can’t help but tell me everything he feels.
It makes my stomach flip in a combination of excitement and nerves. It’s a bit scary, in a grown-up, mature way. There’s so much pressure, so much I don’t know how to do. Things I’ve only ever read about in fics.
I can’t think of anything that could make my life better right now. Except maybe for time to hurry up, for The Eternity to bring my J to me sooner.
We have everything in common. J is so thoughtful and funny and cute. Talking to him is so easy. It’s exactly how I imagined talking to a boy would be, back when I only had Jayden to practise on, in my imagination.
I want to make him happy more than anything else. As long as J is happy, everything will be OK.
From: The Infinity Sent: 23/10/2067
To: The Eternity Predicted date of receipt: 08/11/2067
J,
I feel the same way about writing to you. It’s like everything I’ve been struggling to understand about myself just makes sense when I tell you about it. You make it hurt less. It’s crazy how much I have to say to you every single day. I think we would definitely have been friends in another life. I don’t know how we couldn’t be.
Today I found a secret stash of chocolate in the stores. It was hidden behind some boxes of mushroom soup, near the ladder. I think it was my dad’s secret supply. He had a massive sweet tooth, unlike my mother. He must have been hiding all the chocolate behind the soup he knew we wouldn’t eat – I hate mushrooms – so that he could sneak off to eat it. I can just imagine him gorging on sweets before returning with salmon fillets for dinner, saying we needed to eat more healthily. The image makes me feel happy and sad and tired, all at once.
I hardly ever find chocolate in the stores, so I’d like to eat it, but I can’t bear to. It would be like another part of him is gone for ever. However much I’ve tried to keep him with me – not disturbing his bunk, his notebooks, his toothbrush and razor – every trace of him will disappear in the end, like he was never here at all.
We were all really happy when I was little. This ship wasn’t some terrifying place to be, back then. I loved it. I would have been distraught at the thought of leaving.
My mother used to tell the kind of silly jokes that would make me and Dad laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe. She taught me how to do origami, and after every meal I’d carefully collect up all the food packets and wash them, then unfold them to use as origami paper. We got obsessed with it – we made this whole zoo of animals.
They were both really great parents. Up until the astronauts died.
R xx
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
120
I keep hearing the astronauts. They scratch at the hull of the ship with fingernails like claws, scurrying across the outside of the ship in a series of thudding bangs. At night they scrape at the airlock, filling my ears with the high-pitched squeal of metal when I’m trying to sleep.
I tell myself that it’s just the noise of the engine, or space debris. But when I follow the sound, it stops. When I look out of the porthole, they hide. But I know they’re there. They know I’m here, tracking them.
They freeze when I start listening. They don’t want to be caught. The astronauts are clever. They’re patient.
I’m getting desperate.
From: The Infinity Sent: 28/10/2067
To: The Eternity Predicted date of receipt: 12/11/2067
J,
There are so many changes happening on board The Infinity. I’m so ashamed that I can’t cope with all the efficiency improvements, even though they’re for the good of the ship.
The UPR have now asked me to only flush the toilet once a day, and reduce my showers to once a fortnight. Even if they’re short showers, I’m used to washing every other day. I’m going to smell awful if I only wash once a fortnight.
I suppose I’d better savour my last shower, because I’ll have forgotten what it feels like by the next time I have one.
I can’t wait until we can be together. You make me feel safe in a way that nothing else does any more.
R xx
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
106
By the time two weeks have passed and I’m allowed to take another shower, I’m desperate to wash. My hair feels like cardboard, and I’ve got acne all over my back and chest.