The Hot Mess and the Heartthrob(25)

Levi: Ah, does your… squirrel… frequently need an eye patch or a peg leg?

Ingrid: I’m gonna let you answer that one about the peg leg for yourself.

Levi: gif of a pirate with a peg leg

Ingrid: That’s not the kind of “peg leg” that my brain conjured.

Levi: Oh. OH.

Ingrid: Excuse me for a second. I need to ask Portia to raise my kids since I’m about to go die from embarrassment over this conversation.

Levi: Don’t be embarrassed. It’s really not fair that women need peg legs when all guys need is their hand.

Ingrid: Maybe you can talk to the people in power about that.

Levi: For you? Absolutely. So, dinner tomorrow night?

Ingrid: Piper has therapy until five, then Zoe has gymnastics until seven, and Hudson doesn’t have anything, but he gets cranky on Mondays since waiting at gymnastics isn’t his favorite thing, which means dinner and bed will be a chore that I wouldn’t hand off to my worst enemy.

Levi: Thursday?

Ingrid: Penny for Your Thoughts hosts Hot Mess Book Club Thursday nights. Last week was self-help book club. This week’s the romance book club. We’re discussing Nora Dawn’s How To Train Your Vampire. If you crash it, I truly will die, and not in the good way that I die with my peg leg, because there will definitely be at least thirty minutes dedicated to discussing the awkward sex scene, and I don’t talk about awkward sex scenes until the second text-date.

Levi: A challenge. I like it.

Ingrid: Do NOT make me call Giselle. I’ll ask her to temporarily maim you, and I honestly think she’d do it for me.

Levi: She definitely would. But I mean coordinating calendars is a challenge. Not the challenge to not crash your book club. Which I won’t do.

Ingrid: Oh my god, you’re going to crash it, aren’t you?

Levi: No.

Ingrid: I’m texting Giselle and asking for your mom’s phone number too.

Levi: You don’t trust me?

Ingrid: I’m still figuring you out.

Levi: I’m simple. Write music, play instruments, eat good food that I sometimes cook myself, shake my booty, shoot hoops, hire spies to find out everything there is to know about my mother’s secret boyfriend, and play poker with my lifelong friends every chance I get.

Ingrid: Nothing’s that simple.

Levi: Right. I forgot – I buy terrible presents for my family too.

Ingrid: Did you do something horrible and need to improve your reputation, but the tabloids haven’t figured it out yet?

Levi: I walked into a bookstore while I was lost in my own hometown and ran into a woman who intrigues me on many, many levels.

Ingrid: Oh.

Levi: Also, I was completely serious about wanting to hang out in your shop for a bit. I like the vibe. It’s inspirational.

Ingrid: You know you don’t have to buy me dinner to hang out in my shop.

Levi: Would you please just say the phrases “Your welcome anytime, Levi,” and “Yes, I want to have dinner with you?”

Ingrid: *You’re

Levi: *gif of himself sliding off a couch on stage, clearly embarrassed*

Ingrid: gif of Levi grinding on stage shirtless

Ingrid: OH MY GOD, THAT IS NOT THE GIF I CLICKED ON!!

Ingrid: I don’t keep a collection of shirtless gifs of you. My gif search and my finger malfunctioned.

Levi: If you wanted me to, I could send you a few no one else has seen. Also, does that gif make my white pants look extra tight and clean?

Ingrid: LOL Believe it or not, I didn’t notice the color of your pants.

Levi: You were looking for my scar. Admit it.

Ingrid: I was looking for THIS one: gif of Levi high-fiving a Muppet on Sesame Street

Levi: That scored me so many points with Tripp’s kids.

Ingrid: Confession – it might’ve scored you points with me too.

Levi: Excellent. So I’ll consider that an open invitation to your bookstore, and I’ll have my assistant send you my calendar so you can let me know which morning, noon, or night I should make a point to be here to take you to dinner.

Ingrid: Your theory sounds so simple, yet the execution…

Levi: Ah, crap. Mom was in the shower. NOT sleeping. I’m gonna lose my phone.

Ingrid: Of everything you’ve texted me tonight, you should definitely be most embarrassed by that one. Also, you’re adorable, and I’m looking forward to dinner whenever it happens to work out. Thank you.

Levi: pic of his mom frowning at him with a filter that makes her look like SpongeBob SquarePants

Levi: p.s. Don’t show her that picture either or I might get grounded.





Nine





Levi



For the third time in two weeks, Giselle and I are marching down the street toward Penny for Your Thoughts, though this is only the second time I’ve known I was going there on purpose.

Giselle is scowling. “You know you shouldn’t lie to women you want to date?”

“I want to flirt with her and treat her to dinner. Also, I didn’t lie. I’m not crashing her book club. I read the book, and I’m here to participate.”

“She’ll want to kill you.”

“That’s why I put on the fake mustache and bushy eyebrows. No one will recognize me.”

“It might be worth never working in personal security again to let her maim you.”