The Hot Mess and the Heartthrob(24)

Levi: Very picky of you.

Ingrid: I know. The squirrel is chastising me right now for dreaming too big.

Levi: Ignore the squirrel. Have you ever had Italian gelato?

Ingrid: I have three pounds on my hips made exclusively of Italian gelato.

Levi: The real stuff? From Italy?

Ingrid: I was in the Army for about eight years. My first duty station was in Germany. I used to spend half my leave and every four-day weekend touring Europe. I’d come home on holidays with my suitcases stuffed full of treats.

Levi: Favorite country?

Ingrid: Ah, I see you’re starting with the easy questions. laughing emoji You first.

Levi: Definite toss-up between Portugal, Austria, and Iceland. Possibly Italy. Or Norway. Assuming you’re asking favorite European country, as opposed to favorite country on the planet.

Ingrid: An easy decision then.

Levi: Ah, I forgot Romania. Add it to the list of favorites…

Ingrid: I’d find a friend and we’d hop a quick flight to wherever just to dip our toes in the Mediterranean, or to wander around Paris and eat croissants, or to stuff ourselves full of gelato for every meal for two days. And now I miss Europe.

Levi: It’s still there.

Ingrid: Maybe after Hudson survives childhood…

Levi: I give him an eighty-nine percent chance.

Ingrid: That’s highly optimistic of you. smiley face emoji

Levi: And once again, you’ve managed to not tell me what you like to eat.

Ingrid: Sleep.

Levi: You like to eat sleep?

Ingrid: STEAK. OMG. My fingers malfunctioned.

Levi: Are you blushing right now?

Ingrid: Possibly.

Levi: Pic or it didn’t happen.

Ingrid: You want a picture of me.

Levi: I can either ask or hit Google.

Ingrid: You wouldn’t seriously Google me.

Levi: winking emoji

Ingrid: Stop, or you’re going to get a picture of a beet with eyes.

Levi: selfie filter that makes his face shaped like a triangle with the pointy end on top

Ingrid: OMG, I just snorted so loud I think I woke one of my kids.

Levi: Your turn.

Ingrid: selfie filter that makes her look like a big-eyed bunny rabbit

Levi: selfie filter that squishes his face and makes it wide and flat

Ingrid: selfie filter that makes her look old and wrinkled with big glasses and a pile of white curly hair

Levi: selfie filter that rearranges his features and makes his nose look like a penis coming out of his mouth

Levi: Oh, shit. Delete that. I didn’t look at it. That’s my nose. I swear to god, that’s my nose.

Ingrid: I AM CRYING. laughing emoji

Levi: Shit. Don’t cry. It’s my nose.

Ingrid: gif of a woman laughing so hard she slides off her chair

Levi: I’m giving this app one star.

Ingrid: No! Give it five. I’m laughing so hard I got the hiccups.

Levi: Do I need to worry your friend will track me down and threaten me for sending you unsolicited dick pics?

Ingrid: No, she’d leave that to her husband. He’s Mr. May in the Copper Valley Firefighter calendar.

Levi: I am officially out-classed.

Ingrid: I’m wearing ketchup and just noticed a sticky hand about to fall off my ceiling right over my head. You are NOT out-classed.

Levi: The last time I watched Tripp’s kids, I left with a yogurt-covered raisin in my ear, a new hairdo courtesy of Emma and mayonnaise, and apple juice spilled all over the front of my white jeans.

Ingrid: 1. Never fall asleep while watching children, and 2. The white jeans needed to go. They did you a favor.

Levi: WHAT? I love my white jeans.

Ingrid: You do you, boo.

Levi: What’s wrong with my white jeans?

Ingrid: You have many, many other people in your life who could tell you what’s wrong with white jeans. If they choose not to, then clearly, you’re starting a fashion trend, and I need to stay out of it.

Levi: C’mon, Ingrid. You can’t tell me why I’m wrong with yodeling pickles and then not tell me why I’m wrong with white jeans.

Ingrid: picture of Skippy the Squirrel with a filter that dresses him like Jack Sparrow

Levi: Adorable. And you’re changing the subject.

Ingrid: White jeans are pretentious. They say “Look at me, I can wear white and sit on a park bench in a field of fresh-mowed grass and not get dirt on my ass or stains on my cuffs,” and then basically every woman who’s ever tried to wear white anything to anywhere other than her wedding or from her bedroom to her kitchen sort of hates you for being able to pull it off.

Levi: Huh. I thought you were going to say they made me look like I was trying too hard to be European.

Ingrid: I can’t even buy white underwear. It somehow gets stained with mud and blue Gatorade too.

Levi: This is where you’ll notice I’m not asking what color your underwear is. That’s third-text-date material.

Ingrid: Text-date?

Levi: Text-date. It’s where we flirt over text before I take you out for a steak dinner.

Ingrid: Are we flirting?

Levi: You sent me a picture of your pirate squirrel. We are definitely flirting.

Ingrid: This is where I’m not freaking out over realizing just how innuendo-filled the words “pirate squirrel” are, or the images they’re causing my brain to conjure.