The Half Sister(70)
‘I’m sorry,’ says Matt. ‘I shouldn’t have . . .’
‘No, I’m sorry,’ says Kate, cutting him off. ‘I’m expecting you to be telepathic. It’s not your fault.’
He nods and for a moment they stand there in the middle of the hospital concourse, as if weighing up the right thing to do next. Normally, in this situation, they wouldn’t think twice. They’d casually lean in towards one another and share a chaste kiss – a ‘see you soon’ peck that would send them both on their way, satisfied. But, right now, it feels as if there’s a six-foot brick wall between them.
‘Right then,’ says Matt awkwardly. ‘I’ll see you later then.’
‘Let’s aim for seven-ish,’ she says, keen to head off. She wants to be the first to get to her parents’ house to give her mother one last chance to be honest before Lauren shows up.
‘Oh, my darling, that’s wonderful news,’ shrills Rose as she hugs Kate to her. ‘Truly wonderful.’
The moment isn’t how Kate imagined it would be. After all that they’d been through to get pregnant, she dreamt of her and Matt announcing their news together at a celebratory family gathering. Not on her own, on her mother’s doorstep, earlier than she’d wanted to. But if Jess hadn’t have forced her hand, she wouldn’t be in this position.
Rose holds Kate at arm’s length, looking at her as if through new eyes. ‘You are going to make the most amazing mum,’ she says.
‘It’s funny,’ says Kate, as tears immediately spring to her eyes. ‘I’ve waited all this time, but now it’s here, I feel nervous and a little bit scared.’
‘That’s only natural,’ says Rose, as she leads her inside and into the living room. ‘But I promise you, as soon as this little one comes along, it will all fall into place.’
‘How will I know what to do?’ asks Kate.
‘It’s instinct,’ says Rose. ‘It will kick in as soon as you give birth. Of course, there will be practical things you need help with, but you’ve got me and your sister to show you the ropes. Lord knows you’ve been around Lauren’s children for long enough, so that’ll give you a head start.’
‘But what if I don’t bond with the baby? What if I don’t feel what I’m supposed to feel?’
‘You may not,’ says Rose. ‘You’ll get plenty of people telling you how you should feel after having a baby, but for some new mothers, it’s not always that straightforward.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kate asks, wondering whether her mother is about to impart the reason she gave Jess up.
‘Well, sometimes that feeling – that immediate bond of unconditional love – doesn’t come until later,’ says Rose. ‘So much happens to our bodies and our emotions that it’s tough sometimes. There’s all the hormones of the pregnancy, then the trauma of the birth, and whilst you’re recovering from all that, you suddenly find yourself alone with this little human being who is solely dependent on you to survive.’
‘Did you struggle with me and Lauren?’ asks Kate, lowering herself onto the sofa.
Rose looks away as she sits in the armchair beside her.
‘Mum?’
‘Look, this is happy news,’ says Rose after a long pause. ‘You don’t have to worry – you’ll be a natural, I know you will.’
‘So, you found it hard?’ presses Kate. ‘Was it more so with Lauren, being your first?’
‘I found it difficult in the beginning,’ admits Rose. ‘But they were different times then. Women were having babies in the morning and expected to be back at their desks in the afternoon.’
Kate offers a weak smile.
‘You’ve got to remember, this was the eighties, when magazines like Cosmopolitan were telling us we could have it all. If you weren’t in a high-powered job, with a baby hanging off your hip, and still having great sex, then there was deemed to be something very wrong with you.’
‘So, what happened?’ asks Kate, keen to take advantage of her mum’s affable mood.
Rose looks off, out of the window, as if lost in thought. ‘You’re made to feel as if it should be the happiest time of your life,’ she says eventually. ‘And for a few days it was blissful. Your dad took some time off work, the house was full of visitors and flowers and Lauren was such a good baby.’
‘But?’
‘But I felt detached, as if it was all happening to someone else. When your dad went back to work, I begged him not to go. I remember crying and holding on to him at the front door, asking him what I was supposed to do on my own.’
Despite herself, the admission brings tears to Kate’s eyes. ‘Didn’t you think you’d be able to cope?’
‘I just didn’t feel I was qualified to be left alone with a baby,’ says Rose. ‘I was scared of what I might do, or not do, whichever is the greatest evil.’
‘But you’re a strong, capable woman,’ says Kate.
‘Well, that’s the thing with post-natal depression. It’s pretty indiscriminate in who it chooses to affect. From the outside looking in, I had a husband who adored me, a lovely house, a supportive family – but inside I was a wreck who was having trouble functioning on any level. I didn’t trust myself or anybody else and I was so paranoid that I was doing something wrong or not doing something right, that I thought Lauren would be taken away from me. There were times when I thought I’d save everyone the trouble and just end it, but the shocking thing was, hand on heart, I didn’t know whether that meant hurting me or hurting her.’