The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(17)
“Have you ever had a stable father figure in your life?”
“Lots of figures, but never stable.” Sam laughed. “My mom bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend, job to job, and city to city, dragging me all the way up the Mississippi River until we settled in Downers Grove. She made me call her ‘Big Sis’ until I was eight. If that doesn’t paint the family dynamic I’m working with, I don’t know what will—hence why I’m here.”
Dr. Sherman found this remarkably interesting and made several notes.
“Well, Ms. Gibson, I have wonderful news,” the psychologist said. “You’re not transgender.”
After spending almost an hour sharing his deepest secret, this was the last thing Sam expected to hear.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Growing up without a father and with an undependable mother, I assume there were many times in your childhood when you had to act as your own parent,” Dr. Sherman said very confidently. “You had no choice but to assume the role of caretaker, not only for yourself, but at times for your mother as well. In the absence of a male presence, you had to be ‘the man of the house,’ so to speak. Therefore, it is perfectly understandable why you desire a male identity.”
Sam felt like he had driven his car to a body shop for repairs and the mechanic was calling it a horse.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s accurate,” he said. “I’m transgender because I identify with a sex that differs from my body. It has nothing to do with not having a father figure in my life.”
“Yes, I understand you believe you’re transgender, but it is my professional opinion that you’re suffering from identity confusion—”
“I’m not confused about anything,” Sam said. “This has been something I’ve struggled with and kept hidden since I was a child. I don’t think you understand how hard it was to come here and tell someone about it. I came here for advice on what to do next and how to tell my loved ones, not to be treated like I’m crazy.”
Dr. Sherman took off his glasses and set his notes aside. The next two words that came out of his mouth made Sam realize the psychologist would never understand and he had made a grave mistake in coming to see him.
“Young lady,” the psychologist said. “I have studied the human mind for more than four decades. I understand the appeal of joining the transgender community, but I promise you, the transgender movement is nothing short of a trend for nonconformists. In fact, it is still considered a mental illness by the World Health Organization. I would very much like to help you, but mutilating your body is not something I will recommend when your issues can be worked out through counseling.”
Sam was at a loss for words but with an abundance of emotion. He felt his whole life had been spent in a straitjacket, and the first person he had asked to loosen it only made it tighter.
“I’ll make you a deal,” Dr. Sherman said. “Go home and look up the unemployment rate, the poverty rate, the harassment rate, and the victims-of-violence rate of transgender Americans. If you are still confident that it is the lifestyle you’d like to lead, I’ll be happy to recommend another psychologist. But until then, I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do for you.”
Sam had expected to leave Dr. Sherman’s office feeling liberated, confident, and enthusiastic to pursue the life he was meant to lead. Instead, as Sam walked home he felt more depleted, scared, and isolated than ever before. If he couldn’t get support from a clinical psychologist, could he find it in his friends and family? Could he make the transition without them? Could he find the strength to transition all by himself?
The only thing that could help him answer his latest batch of questions was time and time alone.
Every night since his awful visit with Dr. Sherman, Sam watched his favorite episode of Wiz Kids to cheer himself up before falling asleep. Episode 313, “Prisoners of the Asteroid Belt,” followed Dr. Bumfuzzle as he chiseled through hundreds of asteroids and freed an alien species imprisoned inside them. The Celestial Angels, as they were called, were a beautiful race with pale transparent bodies and wide holographic wings. Once freed, the angels happily fluttered off into space, eager to rejoin their families in their home galaxy across the universe.
“Prisoners of the Asteroid Belt” resonated with Sam more than any other episode of Wiz Kids. At times he felt just like a Celestial Angel trapped inside an asteroid, but Dr. Bumfuzzle wasn’t going to appear and save him. If Sam wanted to be freed, he would have to free himself—he just needed to find the courage to start. Even if he had to make the transition on his own, finally feeling at home in his own body and finally being acknowledged as the person he truly was would make the journey worth every minute.
What Sam didn’t know was that a helpful hand was on the way, and it was a lot closer to Dr. Bumfuzzle than he could ever have predicted.
Chapter Four
OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION DISORDER
Mo Ishikawa set a Wiz Kids folder on her pink bedspread and faced the large mirror in the corner of her bedroom. Unlike her friend Sam, Mo loved mirrors—possibly a bit too much. She had three of them in her room and never passed an opportunity to check herself out, strike a pose like Amy Evans, or say “hey girl” when she passed by.
At the moment, Mo was staring into the eyes of her reflection for a very serious, nonquirky matter. She took a deep breath and recited a speech she had been working on for three months. She had practiced it so much it was ingrained in her memory like the Pledge of Allegiance.