The Friendship List(71)

“Because you’re breathing. You should hear my friends go on about him. It’s not my favorite topic, let me tell you. The man is family. There are things I don’t want to know.” She patted Unity’s arm. “I’m making an exception for you, dear. Talk away.”

“I don’t think about that.” Unity spoke the lie proudly, then felt herself crumble. “I have thought about it. I want to.”

“Have sex or have sex with him? There is a difference.”

“Have sex with him.”

“Interesting. And you’re telling yourself you can’t, and it’s wrong to feel those things. It’s your friend Ellen’s parents, isn’t it? Didn’t you tell me they had all kinds of rules for their daughter and you lived with them for a while after you lost your own parents, so I suppose it makes sense that their provincial attitudes rubbed off on you.”

The words came so fast, Unity didn’t have time to move out of the way, so they slammed against her, right in the head and the heart.

“You think I’m doing what they would want me to do?”

“I think they’re a strong influence. And as I said before, the rules do keep you safe.”

“I don’t feel safe. I feel scared and lost and empty.”

I want a baby. The thought formed before she could stop it and once it breathed life, she couldn’t wish it away. She didn’t even have to close her eyes to imagine the precious weight in her arms or inhale the sweet scent. Even as the image took form, she felt Thaddeus’s warm hands on her shoulders as he stared down at the child they’d created.

Unity scrambled to her feet. Her chest felt tight and her body started shaking.

“I don’t want to love anyone else,” she said, the statement more hope than reality. “I don’t. I don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Dagmar whispered.

“For what?”

“For you. That is so sad. Loving people is the best of who we are as a species. Our ability to love and be loved defines us. Without that, we have no purpose, no reason to live. Be careful, darling. You’re in a very dangerous place. If you get much more lost, you might never find your way back.”

  Ellen had never considered herself a fish person. She’d been a math major in college, so chemistry had been pretty easy, but the biological sciences had all seemed too squishy for her. Standing in the middle of the Monterey Bay Aquarium, she wondered if it was too late to change her major.

She loved fish and sea creatures. The otters were adorable and the Kelp Forest was so beautiful. She was trying to identify different kinds of fish when Cooper joined her.

“Hey,” she said, surprised to see him, but trying not to show it. He’d mostly been keeping his distance since Los Angeles. No doubt guilt about the plans he’d made with his father.

“This place is cool,” he told her. “I didn’t think it would be, but I like it.”

“Me, too.” She pointed to several fish swimming past them. “I think that’s a rockfish. I’ve eaten rockfish and now I feel guilty.”

Coop grinned. “You didn’t eat that one.”

“No, but I could have scarfed down a cousin or sibling. I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not.”

She glanced up at her very tall son. “Are you having a good time?”

“Yeah. Seeing the different colleges is interesting.”

“Stanford’s tomorrow. Are you nervous?”

He shifted his weight. “A little. I want to make a good impression.”

“You will. You know what to do. You’re smart and, thanks to me, you’re articulate.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Thanks to you?”

“Excellent genes and years of training. I know what I’m doing when it comes to the kid thing. I have mad skills.”

He surprised her by hugging her. “You do, Mom.”

She held on as long as he did, then released him when he stepped back.

“Let’s go look at the otters,” she said, pointing in the direction of their habitat. “I won’t feel so guilty watching them play. I’ve never eaten an otter.”

“Mom. No one eats otters. They’re like dogs or something.”

“Someone has. You know they tried.”

“That’s gross.”

“Yes, it is.”

They stood together, watching the otters swim around. Ellen sensed there was more conversation to be had, so she kept her body language relaxed, as if she had plenty of time to wait and listen.

“I’ve heard from my dad,” Coop told her, keeping his gaze on the playful mammals.

“I’m glad he’s staying in touch. You didn’t say much about your lunch with him. Did it go well?”

“We talked a lot. He’s got a couple of kids. Girls. Seven and maybe five. I can’t remember. I guess they’re my half sisters.”

Ellen did her best not to react to that bit of information. She’d known Jeremy had more children but hadn’t put together that they were Cooper’s half siblings. She was not happy about the connection but knew there was nothing to be done about it.

“You’re good with children,” she pointed out, proud of herself for sounding so reasonable. “You’ve been a mentor at the elementary school for three years.”