The Friendship List(70)
Unity battled guilt and a need to defend herself. She clutched the folder to her chest as she approached her friend, knowing she was going to get yelled at, or worse.
But instead of complaining that Unity had no right to be looking at houses in Silver Pines or pointing out that instead of moving forward, she was moving backward, Dagmar only smiled at her.
“Come on back to my place. I’ll make you lunch.”
Unity nodded and got in her van. Ten minutes later, she was seated at the island in Dagmar’s kitchen, watching the older woman set out a beautiful cheese plate along with three kinds of crackers.
“Start on that,” Dagmar told her. “I’ll cut up some fruit, then make you an omelet.”
“I’m not that hungry.”
“You should be. From the looks of things, you haven’t been eating.” Dagmar raised her eyebrows. “Don’t try to tell me otherwise. Women lose weight in their faces first. Yours is gaunt.”
Unity dutifully cut off a piece of cheese and put it on a cracker. “I’ve been busy.”
Dagmar put out grapes, then sliced up two peaches, along with a nectarine. She slid the plate close to Unity before joining her at one of the stools.
“Busy doesn’t make you sad,” the older woman said bluntly. “You look sad. What happened?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“There’s only one he we have in common, so no. Thaddeus hasn’t said anything. I repeat my question. What happened?”
Unity desperately wished she hadn’t said anything, but it was too late now. “He asked me out and I told him we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Dagmar tapped the cheese plate. “Eat. You’re not eating.”
“Aren’t you mad at me?”
“I have no reason to be.”
Dagmar tucked her hair behind her ears, revealing a bright red streak in the strands. She had on a ruffled blouse over what could only be called harem pants. Her makeup was perfect, her jewelry jangled. Just looking at her made Unity feel better.
“What happens between you and Thaddeus is your business,” Dagmar told her. “I will admit to being curious about what went wrong. I thought the two of you were doing well together.”
“We were. I like him. He’s nice and funny and—”
Dagmar rolled her eyes. “Darling, Thaddeus simply can’t be described as nice. I won’t allow it. Tell me you think he’s sexy and exciting and a little bit dangerous.”
Unity ate more cheese on a cracker. “Sexy, yes. Dangerous? I don’t think so.”
“So if he’s sexy and you like him, why don’t you want to see him?”
Unity sighed. “I’m not ready.”
She braced herself for the lecture, the angry words that made logical sense but didn’t affect her heart.
Dagmar surprised her by shaking her head. “No, that’s not the reason. If you really weren’t ready, there wouldn’t be a problem. You’d be relieved to not be going out with him. It’s something else. Let me think.”
Unity continued to nibble on cheese and fruit, hoping her friend would let the topic go so they could discuss something safer or easier or, hey, funny.
“Children or sex,” Dagmar announced.
Unity felt her eyes widen. “Excuse me?”
“It’s either children or sex. Unless it’s both.” She smiled. “Oh, sweet girl, have you thought about having children with Thaddeus? I would love great-great-nieces and nephews. I am wonderful with children.”
“I’m not having children with Thaddeus.”
“As long as you have them with someone. Regardless of the father, I want to be involved.”
“I can’t do that.”
Dagmar’s smile faded. “I know. Having children would break the rules, wouldn’t it? Having a life, being happy. That’s what’s not allowed.”
Unity fought tears and the bone-crushing pain she lived with every day. “There aren’t rules,” she whispered, even though she knew she was lying.
“Of course there are,” Dagmar told her. “The rules keep you safe. The rules tell you what to do when you’re so lost, you know you’ll never be found. The rules keep you normal enough on the outside so no one notices you’re dying on the inside.”
Unity stared at her. “You can’t know that.”
“And yet, it appears I do.” Dagmar patted her arm. “I told you I buried four husbands, and I loved all of them. You may think what you feel, what you’re experiencing, is unique, but it’s not. I’m not trying to take away from the actual pain—that is yours alone. But the experience of loss and the fear of moving on, I’m sorry to say, is fairly common.”
Dagmar picked up a grape. “Do you think that one day you’ll wake up and simply know it’s time be yourself again? Are you waiting for an epiphany? It doesn’t work like that. You have to have faith that it’s going to be okay and start challenging yourself to take a little step forward.”
“I’ve taken steps.”
“And now you’re retreating. Hiding from all you accomplished. Is it because you’re thinking you’d like to have sex with Thaddeus?”
Unity nearly came off her stool. “Why would you say that?”