The Friendship List(13)

“Tell me what happened.”

Unity briefly recounted her conversation with Phyllis. “It feels really arbitrary and, at the same time, incredibly personal. She never liked me.”

“That’s because she needs to be the queen bee and with you kicking her bony ass, that was never going to happen.” Dagmar sipped her wine. “You could take her advice and join a league with people your own age. Take Ellen with you. She can be your partner.”

Unity smiled. “Ellen doesn’t believe in organized sports. Or exercise.”

“What about your other friends?” There was something in Dagmar’s tone as she asked the question. Something Unity couldn’t put her finger on.

“You mean outside Silver Pines?”

Dagmar’s brown eyes turned sympathetic. “Yes, dear. Your friends not getting social security.”

Unity let her gaze slide to the window. “I have Ellen. Everyone else is pretty much, you know, here.” She turned back to Dagmar. “I like the activities here. I like being busy.” Her full calendar made her feel less alone. “Besides, I enjoy the people here. I think they’re interesting and fun and well traveled. I have an old soul.”

“What you have is an inability to move on with your life. Darling, I love you as much as if you were my own daughter, but come on. What are you doing? Pickleball with old people? The knitting club? Do you do anything with people your own age, ever?” She held up a hand. “Excluding Ellen and Cooper?”

Unity grabbed a slice of red pepper and took a bite.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Dagmar sighed. “It’s been three years, Unity. You’re thirty-four. You’ve been in mourning nearly 10 percent of your life.”

Ten percent of her life? Unity had never thought about it that way. Not that it changed anything—time wasn’t the issue.

“I’ve buried four husbands,” Dagmar told her. “I loved each of them and the end was always painful, but you have to keep moving forward or you stagnate and die.”

Unity shook her head. “You don’t understand. It’s different for me.”

“Because you loved Stuart more? You had a greater love? I’m a terrible person for finding someone else?”

“No, of course not. It’s just—” She looked at her friend. “I only want to love Stuart.”

“He’s not coming back. Would you rather mourn him and be alone than risk the chance of finding happiness again?”

Yes. Unity didn’t say it, but she thought it and knew it to be true.

“I would accept you not wanting another relationship if that was all it was,” Dagmar told her. “But it isn’t. You’re stuck, my love. What I don’t understand is how you can be that way with all you see around here.”

“What do you mean?”

Dagmar waved to take in the room. “We come here to die. Oh, it’s a lovely place with lots to do, but we are in the final years of our lives. Look at Betty. She has plans—a river cruise, Christmas in New York. Will she still get to do that? Who knows? How long until she’s gone? What about me?”

Unity’s eyes widened. “What about you? Are you sick?”

“Not that I know of. But at my age, we’re all one bad diagnosis away from a terrible turn in our lives. Yes, it can happen to anyone, but for those of us living here, it feels more inevitable.”

She squeezed Unity’s hand. “Darling, you’re so young and vibrant. I hate to see you hiding from your own life. I wish you’d make friends your own age and go do exciting things. I wish you’d find a handsome man and use him for sex. I’m not saying you have to find another one true love, but you do have a responsibility to be alive, and right now, you’re not.”

Unity knew the words were said with love, but they still hurt. She thought of Dagmar as a second mother and the scolding, however gently delivered, made her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

“Are you cutting me off?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“Never. And if you stop coming to see, I’ll hunt you down and drag you back here.” Dagmar smiled gently. “Just think about it. Life is wonderful. I want you to remember there’s so much out there you can experience. If not with men, then at least new horizons, new experiences. Although some of the old ones are quite wonderful.” Her smile turned sly. “The feel of a man’s tongue on your—”

Unity jumped to her feet. “Oh, my God! Don’t say whatever you were going to say.”

“I can’t believe your Stuart never did that to you.”

Heat flared on her cheeks and it was all Unity could do not the cover her ears and hum. “Of course he did, but I’m not discussing sex with you.”

“Yes, you made that clear the time I started to tell you about my threesome. It wasn’t the smartest decision I’ve ever made but it was a night.”

“I’m leaving,” Unity said, hurrying toward the door. “You’re impossible.”

“I’m alive. It’s something you should consider.”

Unity shoved her feet into her boots. “I’m alive, too. Just in a different way.”

Dagmar followed her to the door. Her expression was serious. “Before you know it, you’re going to be my age. It’s true what they say—regrets are the very worst.”