The Day She Came Back(86)

I guess you are right, and to write these words takes more strength than I knew I had left.

Take her.’

She paused and looked at Victoria, who could only replay the two words in her head: take her . . . take her . . .

‘It will be easier in the long run for us all. I know where I am heading and I don’t fear it. I am biding my time, but the truth is I don’t even want to fight it, Mum; I can’t. I am sick and the drug is like my medicine. My whole body is crying out for it, and losing Marcus has taken away the last of my strength to say no.

You are right, the thought of taking her with me on that journey to hell is more than I can stand and yes, I am using again, Mum. I am doing so in a controlled way, but as soon as I leave here that control goes.

Who knows what’s around the corner?

None of us, that’s who. None of us.

Maybe I’ll make it out of the other side, maybe I can come for her then?

It’s so hard! I don’t expect you to understand, but it is so very hard.

I am an addict.

I will always be an addict.

I will die an addict.

I will also always be Victory’s mother, no matter how far away I am or how much time passes.

Victory: that’s what I will call her. A strong name.’

Again, Sarah broke her reading to gather herself and try to contain her distress. Victoria wondered if she should hold her hand but didn’t have the courage.

‘I shall keep the memory of her inside my head and the pulse of her little heart inside my womb, and I shall mark a calendar to enable me to picture her at every stage of her wonderful life, for however long I live.

Let her be free, Mum. Please, please, let her be free!

Don’t try to shape her, just let her be.

And if she is anything like her daddy, she will be perfect, absolutely perfect.

Sarah’

Sarah let her head fall to her chest, overwhelmed by her sadness.

‘Poor, poor Marcus,’ Victoria whispered. ‘You really, really loved him . . .’

‘I really, really did.’ Sarah smiled with her eyes closed, sitting so close that it felt like a safe space where they could speak freely.

‘And Prim did what you asked. She let me be free, she let me be.’ This an acknowledgment of the care she had received.

Sarah nodded and ran her fingers over the embroidered flowers of the counterpane.

‘How did you get through it?’ Victoria asked softly.

‘Because I realised I had no choice,’ Sarah offered dryly. ‘Once I had decided to live, I had no choice but to cope.’

‘I guess so.’ She thought for the first time of the bravery of the two women, the two generations who had created her. ‘I’m overwhelmed,’ she admitted. ‘It’s like the two voices are either side of a ravine and both are screaming at the other about the best way to get across, but neither is really listening and therefore both are unaware the rock is crumbling beneath their feet until they have no option but to run in opposite directions.’

‘I like that.’ Sarah sniffed. ‘Yes. It was exactly like that.’

Emotionally drained and physically tired, Victoria felt the pull of sleep and closed her eyes briefly.



She woke in an unfamiliar bed with the embroidered quilt thrown over her. She stretched and looked at the other side of the bed, which was empty. Gently opening the bedroom door, she peered at the sofa, where Jens slept with Sarah in his arms and the mustard-coloured blanket from the arm of the chair covering them.

Jens, as if aware of her scrutiny, opened his eyes. ‘Hey, morning!’

Sarah too sat up. ‘How did you sleep?’

‘Better than you two, I’d say.’ She took in their dishevelled hair and creased clothes. ‘You should have kicked me out of your bed.’

‘I couldn’t bear to. You sank down on the mattress and spread out like a starfish, and you were so cosy.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You are welcome.’ Sarah smiled. ‘So that was quite some evening. I sat and read all of the letters after you had dropped off and I feel like I have run a marathon. What . . . what did you think?’ She sounded nervous.

‘I think I have a new perspective on things, for sure,’ Victoria answered truthfully.

‘A good perspective?’

‘I would say so, yes. I can’t imagine . . .’ She paused, emotion drawing the words from her mouth.

‘I thought we said no crying!’ Sarah pointed out.

They both laughed.

‘How about I get us some coffee?’ Jens stood slowly and yawned.

‘How about we go out for coffee?’ Sarah suggested. ‘All I ever really need is good coffee and a view.’

‘Ah, you win!’ Jens chuckled. ‘You guys go without me. I need a shower.’

Aker Brygge was busy even at this hour on a Sunday morning. Vidar was again on the quayside, saddling up his bike. ‘God Morgen!’

‘God Morgen, Vidar,’ Victoria answered, and he chuckled. ‘Where are you off to? It’s not Saturday – you can’t have another breakfast date?’ she teased.

‘Actually, I do. Saturday is with my mom and Sunday is with my dad.’ He pointed over the water in the direction of Ekebergparken.

His sweetness was lovely, and she closed her eyes briefly to show him she understood.