The Day She Came Back(85)
‘Yes.’ Victoria kept her voice low, a new sensation taking root in her gut. This woman was not going to give her up, was not going to reject her again; her words echoed, and she had to agree: they had already missed too much . . .
‘Right, I am going to be brave.’ Sarah sniffed and opened the bundle. ‘Give me the next letter you were about to read and I’ll read it aloud.’
Victoria sorted through the stiff paper and handed her the next sheet. Sarah took it into her hands, drew breath and began to read.
‘August 2001
Sarah Jackson
Henbury House
West Sussex
Yes, yes, you are right.
You are right and I hate that you are.
I want to use again, I want the pain to go away.
I want the world to stop.
I want Marcus back.’
Sarah stopped reading and took a moment to gather herself, dabbing at her eyes with her sleeve before continuing.
‘I want to die.
I am numb.
I am broken.
I am lonely, so lonely, and the only person who can take away my loneliness is Marcus.
How can I be lonely when I have this little baby curled inside me?
How can I have a baby? How can I give her what she needs when all I seek is oblivion?
I don’t trust myself and it’s a scary place to be.
I am with the counsellor 24/7, because if I could score, or if I could hurt myself, I think I would. That’s a lie. I don’t think I would. I know I would. But please don’t be angry, please, please, please, be proud that I have had the courage to admit this and to say it out loud.
I am a mess, Mum, but it’s not the real me. It’s the hollow me. The broken me. And how I loved him! I loved him. He was my sun, he was all I could see, and I will mourn the loss of him every single day I get to breathe.
Don’t reply.
Because there is nothing you can say.
Nothing. I am clinging on, but I don’t want to, Mum.
I don’t want to be, and I know, I know that as soon as I can, baby or not . . . I will find a way to end this fucking pain. I am done.
Sarah’
Sarah folded the paper and looked at Victoria, barely able to contain her distress.
‘I remember the way it felt, so much pain.’ She faltered. ‘It was like the end of the world. Everything was dark, everything was hopeless, like living in a black hole, and I couldn’t see a way out.’
‘Shall I read Prim’s reply?’ Victoria asked tentatively, liking the close proximity of Sarah across the mattress and the fact that she was holding her gran’s words in her palm. Sarah nodded.
‘August 2001
Rosebank
Epsom
Surrey
Please, Sarah, I am begging you. I am begging you not to do anything stupid.
I came to see you when I received your last letter, but they told me you have asked for no visitors and they wouldn’t let me see you! They wouldn’t let me see you, and I begged them and I sobbed and I would have crawled in the dirt, but it made no difference. Why, my love? Why did you not want me near you? Daddy said it was because you knew I would try and talk you out of doing something stupid, because you think I might nag you, and he is right. I would, I would, I would, because I feel like you are hanging on to life by a thread and I would do anything to try and keep you here.
Please, my darling girl, please do not listen to those negative voices, please don’t hurt yourself again.
Please don’t harm that unborn girl who has no part in any of this and no say in how her life unfolds.
I am at a loss. I feel like I am in free fall, thinking about you and fretting over you every single second, and I can only imagine what this must be like for you.
This is a very hard thing for me to write, but I need to say what is in my head.
I know I can’t stop you from taking drugs. I know I can’t choose the path you take, not any more. But I beg you, Sarah, think about the life of that little girl growing inside you. What is best for her? I want you both home. I want you both safe, but if that cannot be, then let me take her. Let me give her the start she might be denied if you go back to using drugs. Don’t take her with you on that journey to hell. I beg you.
I know this is not an easy thing for you to consider, and it’s not something I wanted to write – it is something I wanted to say to your face, had I been able to see you.
I would love her, and I would tell her all about her wonderful mother. Because you are wonderful, my Sarah. You are. I can hardly see the page for my tears.
Mum X
‘Oh, Prim!’ Victoria found it hard to read. Her gran was fighting for her, fighting hard, and she began to imagine what her life might have been like had Prim not fought so hard; where might she have ended up? Would she have even lived? It made her shudder. ‘It must have been heartbreaking.’ She raised the letter in her hand.
‘It is heartbreaking!’ Sarah managed through her tears.
‘Knowing these were written at a time when everything was teetering on the brink, the despair – I can feel that.’
‘Yes. I can feel it too,’ Sarah agreed. ‘I have always felt it.’
Sarah raised the next letter in her hand and cleared her throat.
‘September 2001
Sarah Jackson
Henbury House
West Sussex
I have thought it over.