The Day She Came Back(48)

What a terrible mess it all is.

How far pregnant are you, darling?

I ask again, is there anything you need?

Anything we can do?

A baby, Sarah! A little baby . . .

With love, with all the love in the world.

Mum x

Victoria waited a beat before reading Sarah’s response. It didn’t feel good to learn that Prim thought the whole situation was ‘a terrible mess’.

‘But you had a plan, didn’t you, Prim? You knew how to fix the mess?’ She spoke into the ether as her teeth ground together.

April 2001

Sarah Jackson

Henbury House

West Sussex

I got your letter. Thanks.

In answer to your questions: yes, I have started using the name Jackson; I am married to him in the truest sense of the word, I feel married to him, so why not?

And as for your second question: I am four months pregnant.

I know you won’t want to hear this, but I was nearly clean when I got pregnant and I am clean right now. I am.

I don’t think you will ever have any concept, Mum, of what a big deal this is.

It’s not like sticking to a diet or going without for Lent.

It’s like going against the thing that every cell in your body is screaming for you to do. And I can’t recall how many cells there are in your body, but I do remember it’s a lot.

Give each cell a loud voice and that is what I hear in my head every single second of every single day.

It’s deafening.

It’s a madness.

But I am trying.

I am really, really trying.

Marcus is doing well on methadone and yes, I know you didn’t ask, would never ask. But that’s too bad because, along with fighting this addiction, the only other thing I think about is him.

I love him. I love him! Like you love Daddy. It really is that simple. You don’t seem to get it, Mum, but if I came home, he would come too – can you imagine if I said now you have to live away from Dad? You’d think I was mad. We are no different. We need and want to be together when I get out of here.

Actually, there is something else I think about – my baby.

I have a baby book and look at pictures of how she is developing, yes, she . . . a little girl . . . I saw the scan and they told me it’s a girl.

Right now, she is about the size of a small orange.

A miracle.

The thought of her keeps me strong. She keeps me going through the toughest of times. I picture her wonderful life and all the things I can show her, teach her. I love her already. I do. I think she will be the most amazing thing I have ever done or could ever do.

Marcus had a supervised visit and he heard her heartbeat. It was . . . it was wonderful. He was so happy and I am so proud of us all.

We have agreed to give her a strong name, a name that will carry her through the best and worst of times, a name that will define her, a name that she will always know we chose with great care because we love her. We love her as much as we love each other and that is how we will all get through this: with love.

I guess that’s all for now.





S


‘What are you doing?’

‘Jesus, Marcus!’ His voice made her jump. She placed her hand on her chest, lost in the letters; having momentarily forgotten Flynn was there. She was glad he had seen fit to put his underwear on before roaming around the house.

‘Who the fuck is Marcus?’ he asked with mock offence.

Victoria threw her head back and laughed as she sat up straight and closed the laptop.

‘No one! Is that what I said? He was my . . . my friend’s boyfriend. Old boyfriend. He’s dead,’ she babbled.

‘What’s wrong?’ He looked more than a little nonplussed, his eyes half closed, as if adjusting to being awake. ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Oh!’ She touched her fingertips to her cheeks. ‘I didn’t realise I was.’

‘Are you feeling upset about . . . about what just happened? That was so not the plan; it’s supposed to make you feel good.’ He smiled awkwardly. ‘I wouldn’t ever want to be the reason you cried.’ His words were as sweet as they were reassuring and carried the faint echo of promise.

‘It did make me happy, Flynn. But my head’s a mess. Like, a proper mess. I just . . . I can’t . . . I don’t . . . I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I know that it’s a lot and sometimes it’s more than I can cope with.’ She shook her head, aware that she didn’t know Flynn well enough to put into words all the reasons that her life was spiralling out of control. It was in this moment that she realised the boy she had given her virginity to was someone she barely knew. Not that there was a darn thing she could to about that. A sob built in her chest.

‘S’okay,’ he mumbled. ‘You can cry, Victoria, just let it out.’

She was grateful that he simply sunk down on the mattress, extended his arm across her pillow and patted the space, which she then filled, lying on her side with her head resting on his shoulder. And this was how they slept, comfortably.





EIGHT

The atmosphere in Rosebank the next morning could best be described as charged. Victoria could not deny that to lie with Flynn in a double bed, lost in the moment, had been a glorious awakening. And yet in the cold light of day, the sight of his head on her pillow, his body taking up a lot of mattress space, had been enough to evoke something close to irritation. It was only the second morning that he had been here, but looking at him right then she felt as if he’d been there for an age. It felt intense, too intense, and she wanted a chance to gather her thoughts and ponder the letters without interruption.