The Day She Came Back(46)
When her grief came at her like this, with daggers drawn, a dark thing lurking, took control of her whole being and did so on its terms, she was powerless to resist the charge. Coiled now in the place she felt closest to her gran, she lay in a tight ball with the damp fabric beneath her face stuck to her cheek and her chest heaving. Her tears were hot, drawn fresh from her well of despair. To cry like this was exhausting.
As the storm passed, she sat up against the headboard and wiped her face with a tissue from Prim’s box on the nightstand, her breath coming in restorative gulps. Reaching for her phone, she saw she had a message from Sarah.
Thinking about you today – every day. You know where I am when you want to talk.
X
She felt torn, wondering if hearing Sarah’s voice might help or if it might make her feel worse. Her mother was, after all, as much part of the problem as Prim, and Victoria was unwavering in the thought that it had been a conspiracy of the very worst kind.
As she went to close the message her thumb skirted the contact details and a little green phone receiver flashed up on the screen. She had dialled Sarah’s number!
‘Shit! No!’
She spoke aloud as she ended the call as quickly as she was able, hoping the woman might not notice the missed call and would not have heard it ring. She was, she decided, not ready to talk to Sarah, no matter how strong the pull. She was still wrestling with the thought that she had hidden away for all those years, and furious at the part the woman had played in the cruellest of all pranks.
Victoria’s next actions were almost instinctive; she did what came naturally, something she had done hundreds of times before: she fired off a text to Daksha, her beloved best friend.
Daks – what’s going on? I miss you. I’m sorry. Please call me. Xx
Daksha’s reply was almost instant.
I’m sorry too, should not have run out on you like that. Our first ever fight – what do you think, couples counselling or a night in watching GOT? I’ll bring popcorn. Xx
Victoria replied, beaming with an overwhelming sense of relief.
Yes! Daks! Yes please, bring popcorn and we can do just that. I love you so, so much. Xxxxx
I know. I am very lovable.
Victoria laughed loudly at her friend’s reply and felt the last of her tears evaporate. How she had missed her best friend; it might only have been one day and one night, but it was one day and one night too long. Plus, she had so much to tell her. She wondered how Daksha would react to the news of her and Flynn and the fact that she had smoked weed. Even the thought of sharing the information made her smile; it was still unbelievable to her. Plain old Victoria was quite unable to believe this new version of herself. Daksha’s next message took the edge from her joy a little.
Popcorn visit will have to wait, won’t be until the weekend. Mum has taken (kidnapped) Ananya and me to visit Auntie Khushi in Solihull – never heard of her? Me either! Should be a fun visit!! See you soon and I love you tooooooooooooooo Xxx
‘There you are!’
The sound of Flynn’s voice at the door made her catch her breath – she had almost forgotten he was still here, and she slammed the phone face down on the counterpane, as if caught out.
‘Are you feeling less sad?’ He spoke slowly, and again his eyes had that off-centre look going on.
‘Yes, a bit, thanks.’
Flynn crawled on all fours on to Prim’s bed and laid his head on her chest. It felt nice and, again, desire tumbled in her stomach, albeit tinged with the unease that this boy was on Prim’s bed.
‘I don’t want you to be sad,’ he cooed, reaching up his face to kiss the space below her throat. It made her pulse race.
‘Trust me, I don’t want to be. But it feels a bit like my default state at the moment.’ She sighed at this truth.
‘Life’s not easy when it goes wrong.’
‘True.’ She thought of Mr and Mrs McNamara, who still cried all these years later for Michael junior, their baby son, and her heart flexed for them. It was her belief – it had to be her belief – that her grief would ebb and there would be light at the end of the tunnel. It was how she got through, the thought that somehow this whole horrible mess would unknot itself.
‘Do you not need to go home, Flynn? Won’t your parents be worried about where you are?’ The thought of staying away from Rosebank and not contacting Prim would not have occurred to her. Strange how it was still a concern, even though there was no one to care whether she was home or not, whether she washed her hair, changed her clothes, gathered the laundry from the floor, smoked a joint . . .
‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ He laughed.
She shook her head and ran her fingers through his greasy curls. ‘No. I’m not trying to get rid of you.’
Quite the opposite, I don’t want to be alone . . .
‘Good.’ Again that kiss, and again she felt her concerns slip from her mind as her body yielded to all the good things this contact promised. To lose herself physically in his embrace was like flicking a switch that dulled her sadness, filling her instead with things she did not associate with grief: lust, happiness and the flood of joy she felt at being desired. It was validation of sorts. Prim had lied to her. Sarah had, to all intents and purposes, abandoned her, but Flynn McNamara wanted her, and he wanted her right now, in the worst state she had ever found herself.