The Birthday List(57)

Cole chuckled, dropping his arm around my shoulders.

Even in the dark, I could see the change in his eyes. The sparkle went away as the heat took its place. It was the same heat I’d seen in his parents’ garage last week when he’d told me he wanted to kiss me.

His hand came up and, for the second time tonight, cupped my jaw. His thumb stroked across my cheek so gently that a shudder ran down my spine. And his mouth—those smooth, soft lips—began to drop.

Cole was going to kiss me. Did I want to kiss him? Yes. No. My breath started coming in pants as I flip-flopped back and forth. Cole wouldn’t do anything until I gave him a signal. All I had to do was nod or reach up a bit and he’d take it as my yes.

Except my final answer was no. I couldn’t kiss Cole. Not here. Not outside the house I shared with Jamie.

Cole sensed my decision—the one I’d made without a word—because his lips changed course and landed softly on my forehead. “Night, Poppy,” he whispered.

I closed my eyes and leaned into him even further. “Good night, Cole.”

He let me go, stepping backward twice before turning and getting into his truck.

I waved from my driveway until his taillights disappeared around the block. A slight breeze whooshed against my skin, bringing goose bumps and sending me inside. With the door locked behind me, I leaned against the wall in the entryway and slipped off my heels. Then I turned on the light and looked down the hallway that led to the living room and kitchen.

Pictures of Jamie and me lined the walls on both sides. There were pictures from college and our wedding. Pictures from our one and only year as a married couple. I glanced at the closet door on my left. I didn’t need to open it to know there were a couple of his old coats I’d kept tucked at the back, along with his favorite hat. I could wander through every room in this house and find something of Jamie’s.

This place was basically a shrine.

In the five years since I’d lost Jamie, I hadn’t changed much. All I’d done was box up some of his old things for storage and sent some clothes to charity. If I truly wanted to move on, I couldn’t do it here. Not in a place I’d spent hundreds of sleepless nights, wishing for a life I’d never have back.

Which meant if I really wanted to let go—to explore this thing with Cole—it was time for me to move.





“Damn, I’m beat.” Dad slung his bag over a shoulder. “You could have taken it easy on me tonight, you know.”

“You held your own.” I chuckled and followed him out of the locker room.

Dad had come to the dojo for sparring tonight, something he hadn’t done in a while. And even though he’d been a little out of practice, he’d still managed to keep me on my toes. Probably because he wasn’t the only one out of practice. With everything I had going on at work, fixing up that truck for Poppy and trying to squeeze in as much time as I could to see her, this was the first time I’d been to karate in almost a month.

“Do you guys want to go for a beer?” Robert Sensei asked when we met him in the waiting room. He was all smiles because Dad and I had both made it to karate tonight and given him the chance to kick our asses.

“I could drink a beer.”

Dad nodded. “Me too. But one of you two is buying. It’s the least you can do for kicking my ass tonight.”

“Let me grab my stuff,” Robert said, then disappeared into the locker room.

Dad and I walked out to the reception area and took a seat. “I’m glad I came tonight.”

“Me too. That workout was long overdue.”

Sparring had given me the chance to release some pent-up frustration. It wasn’t how I’d preferred to burn my excess energy—having Poppy in my bed was my top choice—but since that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, karate would have to do.

That and my own goddamn fist.

It had been a week since I’d taken Poppy to her friend’s wedding. A week since I’d nearly lost my patience and broken my promise to take it slow. A week since I’d been on the verge of kissing her senseless.

But I’d held off so she could dictate the pace.

Would she ever be as desperate for me as I was for her? Or had Jamie taken all of her passionate moments? Would she ever want me like she’d wanted him? This fucking jealousy was plaguing me. Every night, I’d go home to my empty house and remind myself over and over and over—it’s not a competition. I just wanted Poppy to be happy. But no matter how many times I reminded myself of that goal, the jealousy wouldn’t go away.

“I talked to the city manager today,” Dad said. “Your name came up a couple of times as a potential replacement for when I retire.”

I sighed. “Dad, no. I don’t think that’s the job for me.”

“You say that now, but who knows what will happen. It’s still years away, I just want you thinking about it. Just in case. Let’s not close the door to that possibility until you’re sure.”

“I am sure.”

He shrugged, still not hearing me. “There’s no harm in keeping it as an option.”

I clamped my mouth shut so I wouldn’t say something I’d regret later. Dad was just looking out for me. He’d always been better at looking down the road than I was, and as much as I didn’t want his job, I didn’t want to disappoint him either. Luckily, he wasn’t retiring anytime soon. We didn’t need to wreck a perfectly good night because I’d told him how I really felt and let him down.