Sweet Nothing(34)

“If that’s what this is? What else would this be, Avery?”

“Well, the arrogance certainly hasn’t changed.”

He walked away with his fingers interlocked on top of his head. He let his hands fall to his thighs and then turned to face me. “You might have had boyfriends before me, but you haven’t been this way with anyone else. I know it. You know it. Stop bullshitting me. What the f*ck is wrong with you?”

“No one changes overnight, Josh. No one is one way their whole life and then changes for one person.”

Disappointment darkened his face. “I haven’t played games. I’ve put it all on the table, and now you’re … What are you doing, Avery? Is this the part where you try to push me away?”

“No,” I said, tears burning my eyes. Pressure continued to build inside my chest. “Think about it. Why is this so easy for you? Why is this so different with me than with anyone else? You act so different around me. What do expect me to believe? You’ve had an epiphany?”

“Yes, a f*cking epiphany! Tell me!” he yelled.

I swallowed, afraid if I said it out loud, the dream would be over. “Did this happen because of the accident? Because you saw me get hurt?”

“Yes,” he said without hesitation.

Like a knee-jerk reaction, I sucked in a gasp, his confession feeling worse than the collision that had catapulted our relationship.

“Avery,” he said, setting the cups on the coffee table. “If they’re lucky, *s like me have a moment where they wake up. Holding you after the accident … that was mine. It’s not because I feel sorry for you or I have some sort of God complex.” He took a breath, trying to calm down. “I’ve been begging you for dates and I’m standing at your door with coffee because I’m different. I’m different because I want to be the man you think you see.”

“You’re not an *,” I murmured.

“I was. We can agree this is a good change. I should have made a move a long time ago, Avery. I’ve wasted too much time already. Nearly losing you before I had you made me see that.”

I chewed my lip, waiting for him to come to a different conclusion. It was all too real, too soon, and it terrified me that I was giving my heart to someone who knew how to break it.

“Avery … baby …” He looked at his watch, and what he saw made his jaw dance under his skin. “I have to leave for work.”

I nodded. “It’s okay. Really. I’m sorry I brought this up now.”

“Tell me you’re okay. Tell me we’re okay.”

I nodded again, and he walked over to me. He pulled me into his chest and I breathed him in, already feeling better. This wasn’t a game or a challenge or post-traumatic stress. He cared about me. I just needed to believe I was worth caring about.

He kissed my temple. “Wait for me. I’ll be back later. We’ll talk more.”

“I’m really okay. Just had a moment,” I said, feeling foolish.

Josh knotted his fingers in my wet hair with one hand and tugged until I looked up at him. He sealed his mouth over mine, kissing me hard and forceful, keeping my bottom lip between his teeth as he pulled away, leaving his mark on my clean skin once again. “Eight hours,” he said. He picked up his cup and slammed the door behind him, still amped from our argument and the kiss.

I went to the door, replaced the chain lock, and then backed up until the coffee table touched the backs of my bare calves.

“Holy shit,” I breathed.





It was coming. I could feel it following me around my apartment, to JayWok, and sitting in the empty chair across from me while I ate my leftover chicken fried rice in the break room. With every bite, every sip of water, and every person who walked in and out, I was saturated. I was falling hard for Josh Avery, McPanties, the paramedic who couldn’t be tamed.

“I love you, but you’re f*cking stupid. And yes, I mean Josh,” Deb said, sitting across from me while licking grease off her fingers.

“He’s not stupid,” I snapped.

“You’re right. He has good taste in women. Since last month. You know I would never insinuate that Carissa f*cking Ashton tastes like anything but a cat fart dunked in leftovers from a yeast infection.”

I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat just from involuntarily imagining her description. “Deb, how are you friends with anyone who isn’t a nurse? It’s like I had to be able to keep it together while simultaneously cleaning up shit and holding a barf bag just to qualify.”

She paused before taking another bite of her cheeseburger. “Didn’t you?”

I rolled my eyes and threw a soy sauce packet at her face. “I’m outta here.”

“Break’s not over yet!” Deb called after me.

I walked out of the break room and down the hall, pressing the button to the elevator. It opened, and I stepped inside with a nervous new father and a brand new, empty car seat.

“Going home today?” I asked.

He beamed. “Yeah.”

I looked down at the carrier. It was brown and cream. No help at all. “Boy or girl?”

He couldn’t stop smiling. “Girl.”

“Congratulations,” I said.

The elevator doors opened to the maternity ward, and I waited for him to step out, then followed, stopping at one of the three large windows of the nursery. More than half the cribs were taken.