Sweet Little Memories (Sweet #3)(41)

Jasper didn’t respond right away. He was silent. There was regret looming in his eyes. It was clear that he wished he hadn’t done it. That helped my anger cool. Maybe he wasn’t just like his mother after all. He felt remorse. He saw his faults and wanted to change them. Portia could not.

“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did. I let my insanity when it came to you take over. You don’t love me and you moved on. It was easy for you to forget what we had. But for me, Beulah, it hasn’t gotten easier. Nothing has changed for me. I think about you every damn day. Falling in love with you wasn’t something that disappeared when you did. My biggest fucking fear is I am always going to love you.”

I understood the pain in his eyes as he spoke. Loving someone you can’t be with was life altering. Constant emptiness and sorrow followed you everywhere. Jasper didn’t stop loving me when we found out we were cousins. I’d been so horrified that I’d been able to shut off most of my emotions with him. I missed him and worried about him. I had thought I loved him until I truly fell in love with Stone. Then I knew the difference. If Jasper had loved me the way I loved Stone, we both experienced the same brokenness.

“We’re related, Jasper. We couldn’t be. We never had a chance.”

He nodded. The sadness still there on his face. “I know, Beulah. But my heart doesn’t give a fuck. I wish to God it did.”

Through all of this, everything he’d done, everything I had grown to hate him for, I hadn’t considered how he felt about me. I had never considered he was hurting and unable to move on. My world had become Stone so quickly afterward I didn’t share the same pain Jasper did. Facing Jasper now knowing how hard it was to leave Stone because of the situation, I felt sympathy for Jasper. I guess what we felt was mutual regret. I should have been more sympathetic. I had moved on and thought he should too. My actions had been different but equally as cold as some of his had been to Stone.

“I’m sorry.” The words were inadequate but needed to be said.

“Me too,” he replied. “For a lot of shit and pain I caused. But I’m here now. You need me. I want to be needed. I’m not here to win you over. I know our reality will always make that impossible. But let me help you. If not for my sake let me help you because Stone called me. He trusted me enough to call me. I don’t know why he can’t be here. I don’t know why he was so damn desperate that he called me, but he did. Let me stay with you. Not because I traced your phone and tracked you down, but because he wants me here. He needs to know you’re safe,” he stopped and let out a sigh. “And I need to know your safe.”

There were a lot of things I could say at this moment. I wanted to argue with him about why he needed to leave. I could fight with him and send him back to Manhattan. I knew Stone was facing a fight that involved his son. If Jasper staying here eased his concern for me and he could focus on Wills then I was the cruel one to refuse it.

“I was thinking of staying here. In Tallahassee. My next step was looking at apartments,” I told him.

“Follow me to return the rental car I’m in and we will figure out where to go. But seriously, Beulah, Tallahassee? There are better options. This may be Florida but they’re really country here.”

I liked that. “I’m country,” I replied.

He chuckled. “Maybe but the good ole boys here don’t make me feel real damn safe about ever leaving you. Can we try a few more cosmopolitan areas?”

I had no idea what he meant by that but I wasn’t set on Tallahassee. I shrugged. “Sure. The only stipulation is I can’t be too far away from Heidi.”

“We don’t have to go any further west. It’s time we turned north. You’re in the deep south and moving further in. Time to run while you can.”

I liked the idea of the deep south. But then what did I know?





Jasper

KEEPING MY HEAD STRAIGHT WAS going to be a challenge. When I was tracking her down it was easier to focus on doing it for Stone. Did I hate that he had her love? Yes, but since I ended our friendship with my dick move I realized I didn’t hate him. He had the woman I wanted. The only woman I had ever wanted completely. But I didn’t hate him. I missed him. When I needed advice, I’d catch myself thinking I’d call Stone. He always had an answer. I couldn’t call him and that had hurt. It was a different hurt than losing Beulah, but just as powerful.

This had been my way to fix it. I had to fix what I’d lost with the best friend I’d ever had. However, once she walked out of the fast food place carrying that bag of food and her eyes locked on me, I felt it. The pull to her. Why couldn’t I move on and let her go? She was right in the beginning. We couldn’t ever be together. Not just because we were fucking related. But because of the twisted shit my parents had done. That darkness would always be there between us.

When I glanced over at her sitting there in the passenger seat asleep, it was hard to remember all of that. In the silence of her car, all I could remember was how it felt to hold her. How her smile fixed all the bad shit. And the way it felt to make love to her. Knowing what it felt like to be inside her was the hardest thing to forget. I doubted I ever would. I feared that I would only see her when I was inside someone else. That I wouldn’t be able to truly give myself to anyone else.

I expected her to stay with Stone. I thought they’d be a forever thing. He was the kind of person you knew you could trust. He was solid. He was honest. And he loved her the way I did. Why she had run I didn’t know. He hadn’t told me and I wasn’t real convinced he knew. There had to be a pretty damn big secret. Beulah wasn’t one to run because of a misunderstanding. She’d need a reason. A real one.