Straight Up Love (The Boys of Jackson Harbor #2)(53)

“What exactly is going on between you two?” Molly asks.

“It’s complicated.”

“Complicated because you’re still in love with her and she still doesn’t feel the same about you, or complicated because you’re going to let her use you for a baby?”

Her words are a punch to the gut, and I wince. “Jesus. Don’t say it like that. It’s not like I don’t know what I’m getting myself into here.”

She turns to look out the window. The street outside is quiet, with only a few people walking by on their way to work or their Monday morning yoga class down the block. “Has anyone told you this is a terrible idea?”

Colton, Levi, Carter, Ellie—pretty much everyone who knows what I offered Ava has taken a moment to inform me that I’m a fucking idiot. “It’s come up a time or two.”

She keeps her eyes on the window. A woman walks past carrying a rolled-up yoga mat. “Good.”

I feel like a jerk. The night we hooked up, Molly admitted she’d had feelings for me for a long time, but I never would have guessed that she’d been holding on to those feelings since. “Is this about us?” I ask. “Because, Moll, we haven’t seen each other in almost five years.”

She tugs on a lock of her hair. “I know.”

“I’m really sorry I let that happen. I should have never—”

“Don’t. Please. I don’t want your regrets.” She shakes her head and lowers her voice. “Not when I have none of my own.”

I could offer excuses. Platitudes. Bullshit. But that all feels wrong and insulting. “This thing with Ava . . . You’re right. I’m still in love with her. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I’m taking a chance to see if maybe, if she lets herself, she can feel something in return.”

“What are you going to do if it works?”

“I’m going to fucking rejoice.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t mean if your plan works. I don’t mean what happens if you end up together. I mean what happens if you don’t end up together, but you have a baby. Are you just going to carry on with your life knowing you have a kid out there? Pretend you aren’t a father?”

“I would never walk away from my child.” I swallow. I’ve kissed Ava a couple of times and made some promises, but she hasn’t pushed me about when we’re going to follow through. I imagine that’s because she’s nervous about it. I am too. Nervous that she might only want the child I offered. Nervous that she might feel like I’ve changed the terms of our deal when she finds out this all comes back to how I feel about her. “I’m taking it slow, and she’s okay with that. So I’m hoping things will shift between us as we move forward, and she’ll . . .”

Molly smiles softly. “You’re hoping she’ll catch feelings?”

“Something like that.”

She traces an invisible figure eight on the wooden tabletop. “I guess this is a bad time to tell you I’ve never forgotten about you. I know what happened between us might not have seemed like a big deal to you. Everyone knows Molly McKinley’s an easy lay—”

“I never said that.”

She shrugs. “Maybe you didn’t, but enough people did. I just wanted you to know you weren’t just a warm body on a lonely night. You’ve always been special to me.”

“I’m sorry, Molly.” I hate that she has feelings for me that I can’t return, but more than that, I hate that I fed those feelings on any level—even if I told myself it was only physical, even if it was just one night.

She shakes her head and traces the same pattern over and over. “Not as sorry as I am.”

“About what happened that night . . .” I feel like an insensitive prick for bringing this up right now, but I don’t have a choice. “I know we agreed not to tell Ava, but considering how things have changed, I need to tell her now.”

“Don’t,” she says. She shakes her head and locks her pleading eyes on mine. “Jake, please don’t. It’s a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“It was one night. You were drunk, and she was engaged to Harrison.”

“If it doesn’t matter, then why can’t I tell her?”

“You know she won’t like it.”

“I can’t argue with that.” More than not like it—I’m afraid that my mistake will make Ava obsess again about this idea that Molly is everything she isn’t and was supposed to be. I’ll explain how it happened and why. I’ll tell her that it didn’t mean anything. But I have this rotting feeling in my gut that none of that will matter to Ava. What if this is how I lose her? “I don’t like this hanging over us. I don’t like keeping secrets from Ava.” I hesitate for a beat. “I don’t like making you my dirty secret. It’s not fair to any of us.”

Molly rubs the locket on her necklace and then squeezes it in a clenched fist before taking a breath and nodding. “Just let me think about it, okay? Let me think of a way to . . .”

I mentally finish that sentence. To soften the blow? To protect your relationship after Ava learns the truth? “You’re as afraid of losing her as I am,” I say.

Her eyes water. “We can’t tell her yet. Things are so new and fragile between you two.”