Spy Games (Tarnished Heroes #1)(9)

“Are you serious?” Rand seemed to deflate. He leaned back and stared across the room.

“Yeah. Matt works for a construction company as a general contractor. Emily’s a stay-at-home mom and sells leggings at online parties. I’m pretty sure he’s stressed about how much space her inventory takes up, but they’re doing good. Talking about getting a bigger house, having more kids.”

“Jesus. They’re okay? He’s fine?” She recognized the tones of disbelief. There’d been a chunk of time when even Sarah didn’t know if her brother would make it, if he’d choose to go on.

“Matt lost his arm, Rand, not his life. He could’ve used you back then, you know?” We all could have.

Rand glanced away, the shame still the albatross around his neck. She’d sensed it the last time she’d seen him. The weight of that guilt must have been suffocating. But it didn’t change the fact that Matt—and Sarah—had needed him.

“I get the guilt. I understand why you think you were responsible for that accident, but you weren’t. It was war, Rand. What I don’t understand is abandoning your best friend when he needed you.”

“You don’t get it, Sarah.”

“Then try to explain it.” She put the bowl down and glared at him, years of pent-up bitterness ready to lash out.

For several long moments they stared at each other. As children, they’d fought and argued like siblings, but this man was a stranger to her now, no matter how much she wanted him to be her friend. He had the name of a man she’d loved. But he wasn’t the man she remembered. He was different and she had to wonder if she knew him at all anymore.

“I fucked up. I should have realized it was a trap, that something was wrong.” He was back there, mired in memory, the mistakes.

“Matt doesn’t blame you.”

“He should. Is he really okay?”

“Yeah. He’s probably sleep deprived because the baby hates sleeping at night, but other than that, he’s fine.”

“The arm, it doesn’t hold him back?”

“Not a bit. It did in the beginning. He’d get surly and say he couldn’t do stuff, but it was more that he hadn’t learned how to do it. He got pretty depressed there for a while, and we were worried about him, but Emily cured him of that.”

“How’d she do that?”

“It’s a long story you have to hear Matt tell.” She relaxed by degrees. “There were still two bad years in there. Matt missed you. We all did.” I missed you.

She’d needed someone to lean on when Matt would get ticked off and her parents would cry. It’d been up to her to fill Rand’s void and keep them all together. She couldn’t imagine the guilt Rand must have felt, but they’d forgiven him. Never once had Matt or she blamed him for the accident. It was war. Terrible things happened. What she couldn’t get over was being abandoned.

Rand reached for her blindly and they twined their fingers together. In that moment, she was seventeen again. The boys had just graduated boot camp and would be headed off to war. They’d gone out to celebrate. Matt had drunk himself silly and passed out at the hotel, leaving Rand and Sarah to stroll down to a park. They’d sat on swings, fingers entwined. He’d had a story, some silly point about how he and Matt would be half a world away and still right there…but all she remembered was sitting there, holding his hand, scared to let him go.

If he couldn’t face what had happened, that he’d abandoned them out of misplaced guilt, she didn’t know if they could work together.

The day she’d heard Matt and Rand were in an accident, that there’d been a fire fight, she’d worried about both of them. Even when the details came out, painting Rand at fault, because someone had to carry the blame. Maybe if her parents had found fault with him, or if Matt were angry, but they all got it. And he’d still disappeared.

It hurt.

“Bathroom functional?” She needed a moment to herself. To pack all these stray emotions in before she cried.

“Yup. Through there.”

“Thanks.” She stood slowly, holding herself together.

There was still a big, Rand-shaped hole in her heart. Well, now she knew where he’d been and could assume why he hadn’t come back. Spy work was dangerous. It was why she avoided home as much as possible. She just didn’t know if the man with her now was the same one she missed. She wasn’t the same person from back then, so why should she expect him to be the same? To be what she wanted?

…

Rand watched her cross the room, his gaze drifting lower, measuring her stride, looking for a limp or weakness. If they had to run, he needed to know if she could keep up. Those hips. He’d studied them as a teen. There was a whole mental flip-book of Sarah in those tiny volleyball shorts from high school lodged in his skull, featuring those hips.

Sarah Collins. All grown up.

She closed the bathroom door, shutting him out. All the tension lodged between his shoulder blades was leaking into the rest of him.

How the fuck had this happened?

The last time he’d seen Sarah, they’d been in that hospital room. He’d taken one look at Matt, then her, and known he couldn’t stick around. That he was the last thing they needed in their lives. He destroyed things. Anything near him was in danger. And Sarah was too precious to risk.