Ship It(20)

And then Forest just cracks. He drops the mic into his lap and lets his head fall backward. “Jamie!” he says to the ceiling, then turns to stare at him. Jamie meets his eyes and it’s a battle of wills. Rico looks back and forth like a kid watching his parents fight.

Forest hisses, “What are you doing? What are you talking about? This is crazy. She’s crazy.”

And he’s covering the mic with his hand, so I genuinely don’t think he means for us to hear it, but we still do, and the hall is silent. The volunteer takes my microphone back from me and my ears are burning hot and I start gathering my things because suddenly this room is too small, they are too close, and all of this needs to be on a laptop screen and not happening in real life.

I vaguely hear Rico’s admonishment: “Forest. Dude.”

Then Jamie fills the dead air. “The finale is coming May twenty-second. You’ll just have to tune in to see what happens.” But I’m already edging out of my row and speed walking down the aisle to the back of the room as the moderator wraps up the panel and there’s sparse applause and I push out the doors and I’m gone.

I shove through the crowds of still-happy nerds in the lobby laughing and chatting and pretend-jousting with each other, but they no longer feel like my people. They feel like strangers, because they are.

Just because I like something doesn’t mean it likes me back.

I don’t stop running until I make it to my hotel room. The tears start welling as soon as I close the door. Mom isn’t there, so I drop my bag on her bed and crawl into mine and let myself sob in private.

Forest’s voice still rings in my ears. Did he have to be such a dick? He could have just said, “No, that’s not in the plans.” But instead he scoffed and sputtered and acted like I had suggested the most ridiculous idea in the history of television. But, like, what show has Forest Reed been working on? Because it’s not ridiculous in the slightest. It’s right there on the screen for anyone to see. I just happened to be the one to point it out.

I suddenly have the need to do what I always do these days when I get stressed—watch Demon Heart. I pull my laptop off the side table and click open episode four, one of my favorites. As the cold open begins, Forest’s face fills the screen and I glance away as anger floods my belly. Dammit.

No. I’m not going to let Forest Reed ruin Demon Heart for me. I look back at him and force myself to think of him as Smokey, not Forest. Smokey I have no problems with. Smokey I still love. It’s Forest Reed who I wish would just disappear.


“NOW WE HAVE to clean up this mess, and you’re going to do whatever we tell you to do to fix it.” Paula towers over Jamie and me in her black heels as I slouch even farther down into my chair. She’s been lecturing the two of us plus Rico—although let’s be honest, Rico didn’t do shit—for fifteen minutes with what should’ve been a five-minute speech that keeps getting interrupted by phone calls, emails, and taps on the shoulder from her staff. She seems to be wrapping up now.

“Do you understand me?” she asks, her eyes slicing back and forth between us.

“I understand,” I say, although what I’m supposed to understand, I don’t know. What did she expect me to say? Some girl called Smokey gay, and I’m supposed to, what, agree with her? Give her a damn award? Like, good for you, you’re delusional, here’s a trophy. She stood up and spewed a bunch of nonsensical fantasies, and when I shut it down, I’m the asshole?

Paula turns to Jamie next.

“Paula, what did you want me to say? I don’t think I did anything wrong up there.” Jamie sounds exasperated. He lets his hands fall in his lap, his legs spread wide in the plush chair next to mine. I adjust my knee so it won’t touch his, tucking myself into the far crack of the chair. Rico is pacing somewhere behind us, weirdly silent. I wish he’d defend me.

“I want you to say whatever it damn well takes to get them to tune in to the finale.”

“You want me to lie to them?” Jamie shoots back. “You want me to tell them these two bros kiss each other in the final episode?” He jerks his thumb at me and Rico. “Because unless we’re going back for reshoots, it ain’t happening.”

I wince at the thought. Why are we even talking about this like it’s a legitimate thing? Why can’t we just ignore it and move on?

“I don’t want you laughing in their faces.” She looks at me. “I don’t want you smirking at them and telling them they’re crazy. These people pay our bills, do you understand that?”

I can’t look her in the eye. I dig my knuckles into my thigh and wait for this to be over. I just want to get out of here and change out of this damn Wonder Woman shirt.

“Oh, hardly.” Jamie stands up in order to get out from under Paula’s oppressive towering. “That girl’s just the radical fringe, I don’t think all our million and change viewers have quite as little grasp on reality as she does.” Jamie grabs his coat off the back of his chair and slides into it. “Look, you got a job to do? Do it. Let me know what the plan is. In the meantime, I’m done being lectured by someone who has no idea what it takes to write a TV show.”

Jamie slams out the door, leaving Paula to glare at me.

“From now on?” she says to me coolly in a tone that makes my tongue shrivel back in my throat. “Your ass is mine.”