Sheltered(25)

I think I tried to believe he was perfect because he was all I knew. What I thought I should want. Now seeing how Ryker is treating me, the lines have become too blurred and I have no idea what’s going on.

Today has been like we’re a normal couple having a first or second date. I reach out and pet Diamond. He said she was mine, but I know that isn’t really true. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my home and this isn’t my life, no matter how much I would love it to be. If things had been different… If I hadn't been with Fritz and Ryker asked me out like a normal guy…

Or if he just waited a little after what happened to me and Fritz. Seeing the two of them on Lilith’s desk changed everything in my mind, made me open my eyes to things I should have seen long ago, but I chalked it up to me not knowing how real functional relationships worked, having only seen my mama’s growing up. All I knew was that I wanted nothing like those.

The thought of before makes me wonder if Roxy is wondering where I am. My roommate was an asshole, but I know he liked my money. Is Fritz even looking for me? What if no one wonders where I am? I’d never thought about it before, but if Fritz thinks we’re over and my roommate doesn’t care that I left, then no one would know if I dropped off the face of the earth. Roxy already said he wanted me to start looking for a new place. For all I know, no one has even reported me missing. Could that really be happening right now?

I know the answer to that question. I could be gone for months before someone actually noticed, and the thought is depressing. Roxy will probably toss all my crap out and get another roommate without a second thought. I’m not sure how long it would take my mama to notice. At least a few months for sure. If she did notice I hadn’t called in a while, I don’t think she’d even know where to begin to look for me. I've had to tell her multiple times where I went to college. I’m guessing nothing else stuck in her alcohol-soaked mind. Hell, the police would probably think she was some loony woman just rambling about a daughter she knows nothing about. Not one single person in my life would care that I vanished.

He’d notice.

I glace back over to Ryker. Why does the thought make my heart flutter? Probably because it feels nice to have someone that would miss me.

“No one is looking for me, are they?”

I finally ask the question that I’ve been afraid to voice. I can’t even really say it out loud. It’s almost a whisper, and I’m feeling all kinds of sorry for myself. How sad is that? I left home to start a new life, and look where I ended up. I’ve got no family to speak of, and not a single friend in the world. What do I have besides a degree I don’t even want?

The only friend I thought I had was Johnny. A flash of him standing behind Ryker the night I ran out of the studio sparks in my mind, but it’s gone before I can grab onto it.

Ryker looks at me, and his eyes soften. I can see the answer there and he doesn’t have to speak it out loud.

“You brought me Bear,” I mutter, breaking eye contact with him as the realization hits me.

He had to have gotten Bear from my apartment. Why hadn’t I even thought about that before? Probably because there were too many other things to think about when I first woke up. I also kept falling under some spell of Ryker’s where I didn’t question things. I’ve been pretending he’s some prince who saved me that night from a horrible boyfriend. If only.

“I cleared out your stuff. I should have done it the day I found you. That fucking roommate.” He says the last part through clenched teeth. It makes the hair on my arms stand up and I can see the jealousy in his eyes.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” I shake my head. “The one who threatened Roxy?” Of course it was. Fritz wouldn’t threaten anyone or get jealous over me. He was so passive when it came to confrontation.

Ryker shrugs, but I can read the tension in his body. He’s pissed just thinking about it.

“I don’t belong to you!” I yell.

His horse comes to a stop, and mine follows suit. I know I’m not yelling at him for putting Roxy in his place. I’m upset and angry because that’s what I wanted Fritz to do. To care that I was living with a man. To get jealous over me and to care about my safety.

Even today I noticed that I carried on talking and talking while Ryker listened. Really listened to me and soaked in everything I said. It wasn’t something I was used to. Normally Fritz did all the talking. I want to like Ryker, but it’s wrong. Besides, he’s hiding something else from me. I can feel it. I already trusted one liar, and I won’t fall for another. I won’t be like my mama. She would take men back who did the most fucked up shit to her, but I’m better than that. It’s why I left that life behind. To make sure I didn’t become like her.

“Yes, you do,” he says calmly. “You’ve been mine from the first moment I saw you. You’ll always be mine.”

I nudge my horse to move, not looking back at Ryker. I can’t bear to right now. I’m falling for this man with the things he says, even though none of this is making sense. I need to keep my distance from him. I’ve got to put up a wall and protect my heart. Because a man like him might just crush it. I know with him I could fall fast and hard. It wouldn’t be forced like it was with Fritz. I know because I already feel myself falling.

“Why couldn’t you have just asked me on a date or something? You could have come after me like a normal guy,” I finally spit out when the silence becomes too much.