See Me After Class(27)

“Hey, we’re trying to help you out here. Now . . . is it a rash?”

“It’s not a goddamn rash!” I shout.

“Jeez, settle down, man.” Romeo crosses his arms over his chest. “Is it . . .” He leans in and whispers, “Venereal?”

“It’s hard being friends with you two.”

“Hey, I’m not doing anything wrong,” Gunner says. “And when you text us ‘911, penis problems’ how are we not supposed to act as if this could be venereally related?”

“I never said penis problem, I said man issue.”

“Man issue is code for penis problems. Read the handbook, man.” Gunner rolls his eyes.

“You know what, never mind. Get the fuck out of here. I’ll figure it out on my own.” I take a seat at my desk and sift my hands through my hair, trying to come up with some sort of reasonable explanation as to why I’m peeing blue.

Straight-up blue.

From my urethra to the urinal . . . bright blue.

I had a blueberry smoothie this morning, but I have them almost every morning and this has never happened before.

Would it be the culmination of blueberries?

Jesus, that’s a moronic thought.

Just shows that I really do need new friends.

“Look at him thinking so hard over there. See the steam billowing out of his ears?” Gunner says. I glance to the side to see my two friends, arms crossed, shoulder to shoulder, studying me.

“If he’s not careful, he might set off the smoke alarms.”

“Be nice,” Gunner says. “He looks really distressed. Maybe he needs a shoulder to cry on.” Raising his voice, he asks, “Do you need to cry?”

“I need something to punch. Mind lending your head?” I ask, twisting to make eye contact with him.

The idiot taps his chin, giving it thought. “You know, normally I’d volunteer, but I have to see my son this weekend and, even though I hate to admit it, you’re strong enough to leave some damage, don’t want to scare the little guy. I say you give Romeo that old one-two blow. He has nothing going on this weekend.”

“You don’t know that,” Romeo defends.

“Well, do you?” Gunner challenges him.

“Yeah, I do. I have plans with my Xbox. I’ve been neglecting him and I promised him some personal one-on-one time.”

“You’re a grown-ass man, you shouldn’t be playing video games. Pick up a goddamn book,” I say.

“I did, just yesterday, I picked up a light read about RBI 20, bettering my pitches.”

“For a video game . . .” I deadpan.

“Hey, it was reading.”

Standing now, I grab my water bottle for a refill before lunch is over. “Whatever, I’m out. Thanks for nothing.”

I try to walk past Gunner, but he places his hand on my chest and stops me. “Dude, in all seriousness, what’s going on?”

Sincerity reads in his eyes, and I know if I’m going to talk about it, this is my window.

Letting out a long sigh and unable to look my friends in the eyes, I stare down at my worn brown boots and the cuff of my jeans right above them. “My pee . . . it’s blue.”

“What?” Gunner asks.

“I went to the bathroom and, well, my pee was blue.”

“Are you . . . sure?” Romeo asks, concern growing in his voice as well. “Maybe it was one of those toilet tablets.”

“I thought maybe that’s what it was, but there weren’t any and the pee coming out of my dick was actually blue.”

“Huh.” Gunner looks to Romeo, Romeo to Gunner, and then they both turn toward me. “When was the last time you had sex? Maybe it’s the blue balls leaking out.”

Romeo snorts.

Gunner snickers.

And I push past both of them.

“Fuck you both.”

I’m halfway out of my classroom when I turn toward them and say, “If I find out you’re behind this, you’re both dead. Do you understand?”

“What are you going to do? Try to dye our hair with your dick?” Gunner fluffs his short hair. “I’m all for trying something new.”

I hate them.

Tossing them the middle finger, I walk out of my room and head toward the teachers’ lounge.

From the way they reacted to the look of humor on their faces, I know they have something to do with this.

I fucking know it.

And they will pay.





“Hey, Kelvin,” I say, walking through the teachers’ lounge.

“A-r-rlo,” he stutters. “G-good to see you.”

“Nice start to the year?”

“Y-yes. Thank you.” He gives me a flat smile and then takes off. Despite Kelvin’s stutter, the students claim him as one of their favorite teachers every year. I’m pretty sure it’s because he dresses up every Friday and uses Star Wars to help teach geometry. Not quite sure how it relates, but we also have very high math scores.

Greer’s teaching techniques come to the forefront of my mind. How is what she’s doing any different than Kelvin?

Well . . . she uses CliffsNotes—yeah, I’ve seen them in her room—for one, a flat-out way to cheat the system.