See Me(72)

So what on earth was bothering her?

Refilling her cup, she abandoned the table and wandered to the balcony, watching as the port city slowly came to life. A light mist lingered just above the sidewalk, making it appear almost out of focus. As she sipped her coffee, she remembered standing in the same spot the night they had first made love, and though it brought a smile to her face, the memory was accompanied by a definite pang of anxiety.

Okay, so maybe her feelings about Colin weren’t as simple and straightforward as she wanted to pretend. But what, exactly, was throwing her off? That they were sleeping together? The words they’d spoken to each other last night? The fact that her parents didn’t approve of him? Or that a month ago, she couldn’t have even imagined falling for someone like him?

That pretty much sums it up, she admitted. But why this anxiety this morning? It was ridiculous to think that simply saying I love you could upset her equilibrium this way. Logically, it made no sense. She finished her coffee and decided to head in to work early, sure that she was blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

And yet, throughout the morning, the feeling didn’t dissipate; if anything, it only grew more pronounced. By ten, even her stomach had grown slightly upset. The more she tried to convince herself that worrying about Colin didn’t make sense, the more difficult she found it to concentrate. As the clock clicked toward the lunch hour, all she could think was that she needed to talk to Jill.





Maria went through all of it, including the way she was feeling, as she watched Jill pull several pieces of sushi from the platter onto her plate and begin wolfing them down. For her part, Maria put a single piece on her plate before realizing there wasn’t a chance she could force it down. By the time she finished speaking, Jill was nodding.

“So let me get this straight,” Jill said. “You met a guy, the two of you slept together after not dating all that long, you introduced him to your parents and they didn’t run for the hills, and he told you that he loved you. And then, this morning, you suddenly began questioning everything. Have I summed that up correctly?”

“Pretty much.”

“And you’re not sure why?”

Maria made a face. “Humor me.”

“It’s simple. You’re just going through a grown-up version of the walk of shame.”

“Excuse me?”

“The walk of shame? From college? After you had too much to drink at a party and you hooked up with a guy that you thought was perfect and then, when morning came around, you couldn’t believe what had just happened? And then walked back across the campus to your place wondering what the hell you were doing, still dressed in what you’d been wearing the night before?”

“I know what the walk of shame is. And it’s not anything like that.”

Jill used her chopsticks to pick up the last remaining maki roll. “Maybe not specifically, but I’d be surprised if your emotions weren’t seesawing from one extreme to the other, which is what most girls go through during the walk of shame. As in, ‘Did that really happen? Was it as good as I remember? What did I do?’ Falling in love is terrifying. That’s why they say ‘falling in love’ and not something like ‘floating toward love.’ Falling is scary. Floating is kind of dreamy.” She shook her head sorrowfully at Maria’s plate. “I just ate all of our food and I’m going to blame you when I get on the scale.”

“In other words, you think that what I’m going through is normal?”

“I’d be way more worried if you weren’t questioning everything. Because then, it would mean you’re crazy.”

“Did this happen with Paul? When you first fell in love with him?”

“Of course. One day, he’d be all I could think about, and the next, I’d wonder whether I was making the biggest mistake of my life. And here’s a little secret – sometimes it still happens. I know I love him, but I’m not sure I love him enough to date him forever. I want to get married and have children. Or at least one. And by the way? His parents don’t like me that much, and I struggle with that, too.”

“Why don’t they like you?”

“They think I talk too much. And that I’m too opinionated.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I know, right?”

Maria laughed before growing serious again. “I think it’s hard because everything about Colin and me just seems so… foreign. With Luis, it all made sense. We were friends first, and even after we were dating, it must have been six months before I told him that I loved him. My parents liked him, and he came from a good family, and there was nothing about his past to even question.”

“If memory serves, I believe you also told me that Serena didn’t like Luis at all. And in the end, he turned out to be a selfish jerk.”

Oh yeah. That. “But…”

“Luis was your first love. You can’t compare what happened then with what’s happening now.”

“That’s what I just said.”

“You’re missing my point. My point is that first loves always make sense because you don’t know any better. Everything is a first and any warning bells are drowned out by the sheer novelty of it all. In the beginning, anyway. Now you’re older and wiser, and you need someone in your life who’s older and wiser, too. You want someone who doesn’t play games, and with Colin, what you see is what you get. You trust him and you enjoy spending time with him. Or at least, that’s what you’ve been telling me.”