Secret Lucidity(90)

I struggle to speak as everything I haven’t felt in four years comes rushing back with a vengeance. The moment I feel my blood warm, I lift my lips in a subtle smile. She doesn’t move as she stands paralyzed in one spot. I walk toward her, and the moment I’m close enough to feel her heat, I want to grab her in my arms, but I fear I’ll scare her.

Still so tiny as she stands in front of me, her hand shakes when she reaches out. The moment she touches my chest, my skin radiates with a surge that travels straight to my heart, making it hard to breathe.

“Is this real?” Her words are breathless and full of disbelief, and hearing what I’ve been missing for so long, cleaves straight through the fa?ade I’ve had to force myself to live under the moment I lost her.

“God I’ve missed the sound of your voice.”

Her arms fly around me in a death grip, and I band mine around her fiercely, holding the girl I’ve never stopped loving.

She’s so warm, just like I remember. When she nestles her head against my chest, she begins to cry. I hug her tighter, completely unsure if I’m strong enough to hold us both together. My own emotions falter, weakening me, and I’m desperate to see her face. It’s all I need right now, to reassure me that this is real.

I angle her to look at me, and her green eyes shine bright behind her tears. “Tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

She runs her small hand down my face, and I smile because she’s so perfect in every way possible. I’ve struggled without her for far too long, and now here she is, twenty-two years old against my thirty-six. Fourteen years still separate us, but now in a world that is accepting of the divide.

“I’ve missed you so much.” My voice strains as we stare into each other’s eyes.

I refuse to let go of her as her body trembles against mine.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you. I had to make sure that you were okay.”

“But—” Her brows cinch in worry.

“It’s over,” I assure. “I got on the plane after I left court yesterday.”

A few more tears slip down her cheeks, and I wipe them away as she releases the most beautiful exhale of relief. “And you came straight here?”

“How could I not?”

She buries her face against me once more, and I slip my fingers through her hair and hold her tightly to me. I kiss the top of her head, cautious not to push my boundaries with her, and then the thought that I might not have any right to her creeps in.

“Why don’t we sit down,” I suggest as I guide her toward a table that hugs the large window outside of the coffee shop.

As soon as she sits, she grabs ahold of my hands, and I love that she’s still needy for my affections.

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about you and worried about you,” I tell her.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. After Liam brought me that letter . . . I thought—”

“I had put you through enough. I couldn’t stand the thought of you hurting any longer. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and I knew you wouldn’t have been able to do that if you were still hanging on to me,” I tell her. “But there was never a second that I stopped loving you.”

She drops her head and squeezes my hands before looking back at me with a tearfully happy smile. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I can’t believe it either.” I take a pause to collect myself. “You look amazing . . . You’re happy, right?”

She nods. “It took a while, but yeah, I’m happy. Even happier now that you’re here. What about you?”

“It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve managed to find things that make me happy.” I hesitate to ask what’s burning a hole in me, but I do it anyway, because I need to know. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No. I tried. I dated a couple guys but . . . it never worked out.”

I swallow hard against the thought of her with someone else, but I have no right to jealousy when I’m the one who told her to move on. Still, it stings.

“And what about . . .?” It takes her a moment before she looks at me with a silent understanding of what I’m asking.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist.” She sinks into herself and shifts slightly, pulling away from me. “It’s been about a year since I’ve hurt myself.”

Her hands slip out of mine, and I can see she’s getting uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I tell her as I watch her tension surface. She has always worn her emotions on her sleeve, and even though she’s older and more mature, I can still see right through her. She’s overwhelmed. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“That this is a lot. I don’t even know what to think. I’m in shock, because it’s you. And I’m starting to feel really flooded right now because even though four years have passed, it feels like time hasn’t changed how I feel about you when I thought I had gotten over you.” She grows more emotional with each word spoken, but I don’t stop her because I’ve never seen her so aware of herself before. “I look at you, and it triggers that seventeen-year-old girl in me, but I’m not that girl anymore, so to feel all this right now . . . it scares me. I just never expected this, and now, here you are. And I don’t know what this means because I can’t get ahold of my thoughts.”