Secret Lucidity(88)
I have no clue how I’m supposed to start a new life and forget about what I’m leaving behind. I doubt I’ll ever forget about David. How can I? He’s the first and only man I’ve ever truly fallen in love with. He’s my first everything. My skin still feels his hands when I’m lying in bed at night because he was the first to touch me the way he did—with unyielding love and affection and adoration. God, he was so good at loving me. I have to move on though. I have to somehow let go, but I’m so scared to be free of him. I want to hang on to him for forever, but the law stole that from us.
Our dream was to go to North Carolina together, but now I have to do it alone, while David stays behind per the order of the court. The plea deal was that he will be held under court supervision for four years and that he has to attend weekly sex offender treatment. He’s also not allowed to leave the state for two years. After that, he can only leave with the permission of the district attorney. In addition, there is a no-contact order in place for anyone under the age of eighteen. But the worst part is . . . they put a no-contact order against me—for four years.
Four years!
With everything loaded in my car, I close the trunk and head back to my room one last time. It’s hard to think about what these four walls have seen this past year. It’s hard for me as well so I won’t. I grab the paperback I eventually bought of Cosmopolis from my dresser. I read it every night before I go to bed as a way to feel connected to David, even though I shouldn’t, knowing it’s things like this that will make it impossible for me to move on, but I’m just not ready to let go yet.
I’d say goodbye to my mom if she were here, but she went out a couple nights ago and hasn’t returned. So, I lock the house up behind me, and after I toss the book next to my purse in the passenger seat, a familiar black car pulls up along the curb.
I watch as the driver’s side door opens and Liam steps out. Even though Liam stayed in communication with Randall for my sake, I haven’t seen or actually spoken to him since that day at David’s house.
“What are you doing here?”
“Something I shouldn’t be,” he says as he approaches my car, and when he steps in front of me, he adds, “But when it comes to you, David is insistent.”
My stomach flip-flops at the mention of his name, and I wonder when that feeling will begin to fade.
He looks over my shoulder and sees the boxes stacked in my backseat. “You getting out of this town?”
“There’s only one thing here for me, but I can’t have him, so there’s no point in staying.”
“It’s probably for the best. And I’m not saying that to be a dick. I’m saying that so you two aren’t tempted to do anything stupid.”
“I’d never do anything to jeopardize that plea deal.” I know Liam means well, but the accusation in his voice is sharp.
He pulls out a white envelope from his suit jacket and holds it out for me.
“What’s this?”
“Something I advised against,” he says, and I take it from his hand. “It’s a letter.”
“Obviously, but I—”
“Like I said,” he interrupts. “You leaving is the best thing for him. He doesn’t need temptation living five minutes away.”
I stare down at the envelope, running my hand over the fibers of the paper that his hands touched, and my heart grows heavy.
“How is he?”
Liam shoves his hands in the pockets of his pants and sighs. “He’s destroyed, which is probably putting it mildly. The media was relentless, but aside from that, he wanted me to tell you that he misses you and that everything else you need to know is in the letter.”
I give him a nod, because if I try to speak around the knot in my throat, I’d only burst out into tears.
“I’d wait to read it though. At least until you get to where you’re going.”
I nod again, holding the closest thing I have to my forbidden love in my hands.
Before he leaves, his lips lift in a subtle smile. “I’ve never seen a love as intense as what that man has for you.”
“Will you tell him something for me?”
“Of course.”
A million words flood my head at once, but I go with what I never got a chance to say. “Can you tell him I said ‘Thank you for not being afraid to love me’?” With no control, tears are already streaming down my cheeks. “And tell him that I love him. That I really love him.”
Liam nods and gives me a second to regain my composure before saying, “Good luck with wherever you’re headed next.”
I just gave him the last remnant of myself to take back to David, and it’s nearly debilitating. So, when I slip in behind the steering wheel, I drop my head and expel harrowing sobs into my hands. I cry as I teeter on the knife’s edge of two extremes—loving the universe for giving me someone as special as David, and hating the universe for ripping him away from me so violently and without any warning.
I don’t know how long I sit here and cry, but it’s long enough that the crests of my cheeks burn from the saltiness of lost love. When I can’t take it anymore, I slip his envelope into the book, turn the key, and set off to the east coast.
I roll down the windows and breathe in a lungful of fresh air. And with the wind in my hair, I know that, no matter what they say, no matter how wrong we were for doing what we did, together all those wrongs created the most exquisite right.