Secret Lucidity(31)

The doors to the bus close, and then we’re on our way.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve been making a lot of progress.”

When I turn and look out the window, he calls me out. “What’s really bothering you?”

“I just told you.”

“There’s something more than just your times.”

Yeah. My dad isn’t here.

“Might as well get it off your chest,” he presses. “Leave it here so you don’t take it into the water with you later.”

I drop my head and then look at him. Everything we’ve been suppressing for this past month begins to crack beneath the fissures. I want to give him the cold shoulder because I’m mad at him for pushing me away. But then I get mad at myself too for being so selfish. I have no right to be angry with him when he’s the one who’s doing the right thing here.

“Talk to me.”

“I’ve never done this alone,” I finally confess.

And with everyone so wrapped up in their own conversations, he leans in slightly, saying, “It may feel like you’re alone, but I promise you, you aren’t.”

“It isn’t the same.”

“It’s never going to be. But I’m here, and you’re not alone.”

His words puncture a soft spot in my heart I’ve been trying so hard to ignore. I wish I were stronger, that my heart could sheath itself against him, and that I didn’t have to ache so much at the thought of him.

“Is there anything I can do?”

I can think of a thousand things, but they’re all forbidden—including you.

“It is what it is, right?” I say with indifference, because we’re powerless to change the past, so what’s the point in pretending we can?

Plus, I’m too busy pretending not to have any feelings for him, unlike Taylor, who lets her salacious thoughts be known to all the girls in the locker room.

I keep to myself for most of the day, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary for me. I spend my time between heats listening to my music and blocking out the other swimmers. Even with a bum shoulder, I advance through qualifying for both the fifty and the hundred with little effort.

When it’s my time to go up on the block for my last swim of the day—the fifty-yard sprint—Coach is right there behind me, clapping his hands and reminding me, “Keep those legs up, Cam. You’ve got this.”

It’s a disappointing twenty-five point two seconds until I hit the wall. Once out of the pool, he’s by my side, making sure my shoulder is fine and giving me his optimistic thoughts for my times. I hit the locker room, shower, change, and then go find Kroy in the bleachers to say a quick goodbye before getting back on the bus.

He stands and smiles, making light of my times, saying, “Well, you didn’t come in last.”

I laugh and shake my head.

“Seriously, though. You were amazing.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate you coming, even though . . .”

“Doesn’t matter,” he assures. “I’m always here for you.”

“I have to get on the bus,” I tell him, giving him a hug and thanking him again for coming out.

When I step off the bleachers, I hear Linze from behind me. “So you can’t even say hi to me?”

I turn back to see her defensive stance, which she apparently takes as my invitation to keep talking. “I mean, I’m standing right here.”

“I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore, Linz.”

“But you can talk to Kroy?” she says. “You ditched both of us, but it’s only me you’re shitty to.”

“I’m not being shitty.”

“Linze, just back off,” Kroy tells her.

“You didn’t come here for me. You only came because of your boyfriend, so what do you even want me to say?”

“I guess nothing.”

I look to Kroy, toss my hands in the air, and turn back to Linze. “What do you want from me, because I can’t seem to do anything right?”

“Just be my friend.”

“I don’t know how to do that anymore,” I snap in defeat. “I can’t just go back to how things were last year. If I could, trust me, I would, but I can’t.”

“More like you don’t want to.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“No, I’m not ‘kidding you’. You’ve been nothing but a total bitch to me.”

“Linze, what the fuck?”

“No, Kroy,” I say. “It’s fine. I can’t see myself wanting to be friends with someone like her anymore.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re so damn wrapped up in your superficial life that you can’t see beyond what hairstyle to choose for homecoming. I’m sorry if I can’t relate, but I’m over here dealing with real shit.”

“Oh my God! Are you serious? People die every day. I’m sorry it happened, but seriously?”

Irritation snaps inside me, and I tense my body to keep myself from losing my cool.

“Cam!” Coach calls from the other side of the pool.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kroy lashes at Linze.