Secret Lucidity(30)

Tears dry on my face as I drift away in relief. I close my eyes, relishing the path of heated liquid as it trails down to the waistband of my pants. The stillness of the house is replaced by my heart’s soothing beats in my ears. They are a lullaby to my senses, and I literally feel like I’m melting into the wall that’s supposed to be supporting me.

My mother may choose alcohol to self-medicate, but I’ll happily choose this. At least I’m only hurting myself. These superficial wounds of mine will scab and heal, but hers are acid, searing through the flesh of me and her, forever leaving their lesions on the crux of who we are.





THE SUMMER HEAT FADES INTO the nip of autumn. Leaves are just starting to turn, and I’m dying on the vine with them. This town reeks of decay as the season’s shift takes effect. The fumes of leaves burning in the distance waft in the early morning air as I toss my bag into the trunk of my car.

A rippling of dank clouds cloaks the sky, and before I go, I run back inside the house to write a note to my mom. She wasn’t here when I woke, but I have a meet today and want her to at least know where I am.

It’s been nearly a month of two-a-days with Coach, though the morning swims haven’t been restricted to the two of us. He offered the extra practices to three other swimmers on the team. When I showed up and saw them, he whispered, “It’s better this way.”

It was obvious he didn’t trust himself around me and that he was also concerned about how it would look if anyone were to find out about our clandestine practices before sunrise. I would have been okay with it, except Taylor was one of the teammates that took him up on his offer. Not only does she show up every morning armed with flirtatious gestures for Coach, but also with underhanded comments meant to sabotage my confidence, which is still fragile.

My times are improving, but I’ve yet to get them back to where they should be. I know I won’t win any of my divisions today, but I have to keep pushing myself if I want to get out of this town after I graduate. I can’t depend on my mother to foot the bill for my college tuition plus room and board when she can’t even remember to pay the water bill.

After I lock up the house, I head to school where the bus is waiting to take us to Norman, which is a few towns south of Edmond. I contemplated making up some excuse that would justify me driving my own car, but we always travel to our meets as a team, even if they are close to home. My absence from the bus would’ve been noted, and it would only brighten the spotlight on me when I’m so desperate for it to dim.

For the most part, my teammates are supportive and treat me just as they did before. But there are a few girls who are catty at best, eagerly waiting for me to fail miserably. The main girl is Taylor, who happens to also swim the fifty-and hundred-yard. She’s never been as quick as me, never until now. She’ll beat me today, there’s no question about it, and I’m dreading the ego that will undoubtedly swell in her head.

I park a few spots down from where Kyle is. He has Linze in his arms and his tongue down her throat. She feels like a stranger at this point. When I didn’t show up for her birthday dinner the other week, she lost it, and we got into a fight. It didn’t matter what my reasoning was, she didn’t want to hear it. She told me I was a shitty friend, and she didn’t deserve my lack of interest in our friendship.

She’s right. She deserves a best friend who can go party without a care in the world, a best friend who involves herself in every social aspect of school, and someone free from the everyday worries that plague me.

I just wish she knew the truth without my actually having to tell her. At least then, I wouldn’t have to feel any more guilt than I already do.

Kroy appears from the left and walks over to Kyle and Linze, breaking up their little make-out session. I step out of my car, grab my bag from the trunk, and hope I can make it to the bus without being noticed.

“Cam.”

I knew it was a worthless hope.

“What are you doing here, Kroy?”

“You know I never miss your swim meets,” he says. “Linze is coming too.”

“Great,” I mumble under my breath.

“You should try talking to her. She feels hurt.”

“She called me a bitch, you know?”

“Cam.” He tugs my attention with a look of seriousness. “We’re all friends here.”

I peer over his shoulder to Linze and Kyle, and when her eyes meet mine, I divert back to Kroy. “I really don’t want to deal with this today.”

He nods, understanding the pressure I feel about the meet. He holds out his hand, saying, “Come on, let me help you with your bag.”

We walk over to the bus and stow the bag beneath with everyone else’s.

“You’re going to do great,” he tells me, and when I shrug my shoulders, he pulls me in for a hug. “I’ll see you there.”

When he heads back toward Linze, I turn to catch Coach Andrews watching me.

“You ready?”

I nod and get on the bus. It’s loud with both the girls’ and boys’ teams, and I opt to sit in the front to avoid the commotion in the back. I pop in my earbuds to drown out all the noise, but a few minutes later, solitude is snatched away when Coach sits next to me.

“How are you feeling about today?” he asks when I pull my earbuds out.

“Okay, I guess. It’s not like I have high expectations or anything. My times suck.”