Secret Heir (Dynasty #1)(73)

I’m surprised that he remembers my words from that night and more so that he’s admitting he knows what that feels like.

But we both fall silent then and I’m not sure if there’s anything either of us can say that could matter.

“Look—why are you even telling me this?” I ask. I know it sounds harsh but I can’t let myself care. “You’ve just said yourself that what you want doesn’t matter. So you wanting to be here, wanting to tell me all of this—it doesn’t change anything. Because it can’t. Your father was pretty clear on what does matter—you, ascending to the throne and your impending betrothal. So, I think you should go.”

Raph turns to me then. I don’t expect any explanation other than what he told me before, which is that it’s complicated. But his words surprise me.

“My betrothal to Layla was decided the day I was born. I never had a choice in it. The St. Tristan Dynasty and the Delphine Dynasty have always been the closest, the union maintained through the generations by marriage.

“Everyone expects us to be together. But it’s more than that, the alliance between our Dynasties depends on it.”

I feel sick and I don’t think I can listen to anymore. I open my mouth to tell him to leave, but his next words silence me.

“But I don’t love Layla. I never did.

“I tried being with her, for the sake of duty, but she always knew I was never really there. I’ve never been anything other than honest. So, we have an understanding.”

Anger spikes inside me and at the same time, I feel sick to my stomach.

“And what kind of understanding is that? That you get to fuck other girls because you don’t love her? Is that what this was? You wanted to mess around with me so I could keep your bed warm at night, while you sit on your throne with Layla by your side during the day? Well, you didn’t get very far, because we’ve barely even kissed!”

He looks almost distraught then.

“No! God, Jaz, that’s not what it was about at all. It isn’t what this is about. You said so yourself—we barely even kissed.

“Because I knew from the minute I saw you, that it would never be about just that with you. Layla knew it—that’s why she hated you so much.

“I couldn’t even let myself kiss you, because I didn’t want to lead you on, only to tell you that nothing can ever come of it. I knew that I could never give you what you wanted, what you deserve. Because you deserve more—you deserve everything and I don’t have that to give. It’s not mine to give.”

I laugh harshly then.

“But that’s exactly what you did. We may not have slept together, but you did sleep in my bed every night. You made me almost trust you, when you know I find it hard to trust anyone; you made me almost like you, then you told me it was a mistake. That you don’t want me. Yeah, you did a great job. So save your explanations for someone who believes you—because you sure as hell didn’t care about leading me on.”

He loses it then.

“God, Jaz, you have no idea. If I didn’t care, I would have treated you like all those other girls—fucked you, then tossed you aside.”

The intensity in those blue eyes and the rawness of his words burn into me.

“But you’re not like those other girls. You deserve more than I would ever be able to give you, so I couldn’t even go there.

“Since that first minute I saw you on that beach, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. God, I wanted you so bad. I felt like I was going crazy. Baron sure as hell thought I’d lost my goddamn mind.”

I’m shocked into stillness, and my mind blanks. I don’t know what I’d been expecting but I sure as hell hadn’t expected this.

“You’re so goddamn beautiful, Jaz, it’s almost unreal. And not just in the superficial way—everything about you is beautiful. Your sass, your strength, your kickass attitude. You’ve been through so much, but you’re so tough. You don’t let anyone give you shit. I mean you blew up my car for god’s sake. You’re so different—different from anyone I’ve ever met. In a world that’s all about appearances and status, you’re so real. Everything about you is real.

“At first I tried to drive you away. Because I had to but also because I couldn’t bear to be around you without …” He trails off then, seemingly unable to finish as he shakes his head. “I thought that if I got you to leave, it would fix everything. But then I couldn’t stand to see you go.”

His breathing is ragged, as if every word has been ripped out of somewhere deep inside him.

When I’m able to speak again, my voice is as unsteady as I feel.

“But you told me that you don’t want me. That you can’t want me. That this can never happen.”

“All my life I’ve been programmed to want only what I’ve been told to want. It’s all I’ve ever known.”

He lets out a sharp laugh, but there’s no humor in it.

“I’ve grown so used to it, that I didn’t even question it. None of it ever felt wrong … until now. Because for the first time in my life, I want something that I know I shouldn’t. And I know I’m wrong for …” He trails off then, shaking his head in a helpless gesture.

I shouldn’t want to hear the rest. But I can’t stop myself from asking him anyway.