Scarlett Epstein Hates It Here(23)

Anonymous sent out e-mail blasts.

You may think you have nothing in common, but you do.

You have the best intentions, pure hearts, and senses of social justice.

If this goes on, it could escalate.

It could kill the entire human race!

We all know how stupid guys are.

They can’t be trusted to make good decisions themselves.

That’s how every war happened!

Even the Trojan War, which they tried to pin on Helen of Troy. What dicks.

Assemble in the common room at approximately seven P.M. tomorrow.

That is when varsity football practice lets out.

Let’s yell at them.

Bye.

These e-mails were massively effective. Very soon, Sumner Ruiz, who had a shaved head and pins through her ears, was walking through the halls chatting excitedly with preppy Betsey Halsey, an old-money heiress to her family’s stretch-pants fortune. It was sort of lovely. But it proved abrasive to everyone who wasn’t on their growing team.

*

Gideon knew it was just a matter of time before they got him. In fact, he wasn’t sure why they hadn’t already, considering he was the son of the CEO and appearing to openly squire a Miss Ordinaria around school. He was like JFK in the convertible.

But he wasn’t concerned with angry mobs. The only thing on his mind was that e-mail. He just couldn’t figure it out. He’d scoured the Internet. He’d gone over to Ordinaria Inc. and poked around through some files until a seventy-year-old executive secretary caught him. He had even asked his dad, over a rare “family dinner” at their enormous dining table.

“So . . . is there anyone who, like . . .” Gideon asked tentatively as he watched their maid carve up the too-large roast chicken. “Would want me to know something about myself that I don’t know?”

His dad glanced up as he took a sip of his Scotch.

“Not that I know of. Helen?”

He looked at Gideon’s mom. She shook her head. She barely spoke.

Then his dad turned back to him, a mean-or-jovial glint in his eye. “You’re not coming out, are you?”

Gideon elected not to answer. Instead, he said, “I got a weird e-mail.”

“What, like a ‘You are part of an unstoppable woman-hating behemoth that will destroy society’? Or one of those ones where some nut job writes to tell you he can fly?”

“Well, neither. It said—”

“Let’s not discuss it at the dinner table,” his mom said abruptly.

“I agree,” his dad said through a mouthful of chicken. “You’re a Maclaine. It’s part of the territory.”

*

Every time Ashbot was in the mall, she became a little girl skipping through the daisies. She’d point out the same stores every time as if they were brand-new modern marvels.

“Look, a Talbots!”

Gideon rolled his eyes.

“Ashbot, that was there two days ago. And last week.”

She beamed. “I know; it’s just so exciting!”

“Why? Why is it so exciting?”

“It’s like being with my friends!”

This was so incredibly depressing to Gideon that he went straight to Wendy’s to get her a Frosty.

His least favorite part of their regular mall excursion was coming up. It was the giant Victoria’s Secret looming across the clear walkway. He had to be the only eighteen-year-old guy who dreaded walking past Victoria’s Secret because a girl who liked him wanted to get lacy things.

“We can’t stop in there,” he said firmly.

“But you’re supposed to want me to buy very padded cups!”

Gideon stopped and frowned. He might be losing his mind, but it sounded like something loud and aggressive was going on in there. It was hard to tell, since the whole store was basically one very padded cup.

He snapped away from the distraction. “That—I don’t even know wha—look, that doesn’t even sound appealing.”

“Oh. Sorry. Is this better?” She lowered her voice to a sultry whisper. “I want to get some panties for you.” Then she stopped and looked confused. “Well, not for you—”

“Okay, that’s enough.”

But Ashbot was already walking inside, a woman-robot on a mission.

I thought you’re supposed to listen to me, he thought, irritated, as he followed her.

They walked straight into a fury of shouting, indignant hair tossing, and handmade signs: MISS ORDINARIA IS MISS-GUIDED and GET SEX ROBOTS OUT OF PEMBROOKE. He recognized most of the girls from school. And they recognized him. They immediately started shrieking wordlessly at him, like he was an evil Beatle.

The black-clad Victoria’s Secret employees were even more frantic than usual, trying their best to get it under control.

Before Gideon could stop her, Ashbot bypassed her usual favorite, boy shorts with pink on the ass (they were Gideon’s favorite too—he had no idea how she’d picked that up), and pushed straight into the yelling crowd, as polite and chipper as ever.

“Pardon!”

“Your dad is ruining our school!” shouted a dark-haired girl he recognized from AP Chem.

“Your dad is ruining our lives!” sobbed a large girl in a cardigan.

“Jessicarose, weeping isn’t constructive,” the dark-haired girl snapped.