Sadie(23)

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

We sit there in silence. I never know what to do with girls. Pretty girls. I want them to like me. It’s a strange, almost visceral need that settles itself inside and it makes me feel stupid and weak because I know it’s a fault line I can trace all the way back to my mother. Worse than that is the fact that I can recognize this need inside me and yet never work myself right enough to satisfy it. Ask me how many friends I’ve had, even before Mattie was killed.

“That was quite the entrance,” Carrie says and I don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult. Kendall’s lip curls. She says, “I dunno. It seemed kinda familiar.”

A weird sense of pride rushes through me. It was ridiculous—so brazen.

But it was good because it got me here.

“Javi was pretty into it,” Carrie says.

Kendall stares at me from under her long eyelashes. “He’s such a pussy, it’s kind of amazing he made a move. You better be nice to him.”

“He’s c-cute.” I glance at the boys, still at the bar. “What about Noah?”

“He has a boyfriend.”

I finish off my PBR and Kendall’s phone chimes. She digs it out of her pocket and the screen lights her face. She says, “It’s from Matt.”

“Don’t answer him,” Carrie says.

“I have to,” Kendall snaps. “You told me not to answer him the last time and I didn’t, so this time, I have to or else he’ll—”

“What, be even more of an asshole to you?”

“Who?” I ask.

“Matt Brennan. Kendall’s asshole boyfriend.” Carrie stares Kendall down. Kendall lets it roll off her back. “You’ll meet him at MHS, if Kendall hasn’t pulled her head out of her ass and dumped him like she should by then—”

“M-MHS?”

This draws Kendall’s eyes from her phone.

“Montgomery High?” You fucking idiot seems implied.

I force a laugh. “H-haven’t made the mental t-transition yet.”

“What was your old school like?” Carrie asks.

I give her a tight smile and try to remember high school. I never liked school; no one was interested in knowing me beyond making fun of my mouth and by the time my classmates were past the point of caring, so was I. High school always felt like an elaborate lie to me, some made-up fantasyland I was locked in for a set number of hours a day and just beyond its doors was the trailer my mother walked out of and inside that, my sister—and my sister needed me. So what was the point of algebra? Has there ever been one?

Kendall’s phone goes off again, saving me.

Carrie groans. “Fuck him.”

“Fuck who?” Javi asks, sliding back in the booth beside me, Noah just behind him.

“Matt,” Carrie answers, despite the warning glare Kendall shoots her.

Noah reaches over and snatches Kendall’s phone from her hands. She tells him to give it back, you motherfucker, give it back, but Carrie says, “You’ll thank us for this later,” and Noah says, “Jesus, Kendall, if you’re not going to drop him at least make him beg.”

“Give me my fucking phone,” she says.

“You promised.” Noah waves the phone in front of her face before shoving it into his pocket. “You promised you’d leave this bullshit at home tonight and I promised you I’d do this if you didn’t.” He reaches across the booth and covers Kendall’s mouth with his hand when she starts to protest and I think if any boy did that to me, even if he was my brother, I’d rip his arm out of its socket. “So shut the fuck up about Matt and drink your stupid drink that I bought you.”

Kendall scowls, but she takes a mutinous swig of her new beer, giving Noah the finger with her free hand while she does.

“Hey,” Javi says to me.

“Hi.”

“Didn’t stutter that time,” he says and I vow to let it be the only time he makes me blush for however long I’m around him. “My cousin used to stutter but he could sing, though. Like, he didn’t stutter when he sang. Is it like that for you?”

I shake my head, even though I actually don’t stutter when I sing—but I can’t sing worth a damn and I’m not in the mood to become some party trick.

“I don’t st-stutter when I’m a-alone.”

“Cool,” Javi says, even though that’s not the word I’d use. “My cousin grew out of it.”

“Lucky h-him.”

Kendall squints at me. “So do you do it because you’re nervous? I don’t get it.”

I bite back the urge to tell her it doesn’t matter if she fucking gets it.

Javi laces his fingers behind is head. “So what do you think of Montgomery so far? Why’d your family move out here?”

“We…” I stare at the table for a long moment and then I decide maybe it’s easier to tell a lie steeped in just enough truth because it won’t be as hard to lose track of. “M-my little s-sister d-died. We needed a ch-change of scenery.” It quiets them the way it should. When I look up, Kendall’s expression has softened because she’s not a monster. “But you c-can’t really get away from s-something like that.”