Ruined (Ruined, #1)(76)

They’d spent most of the day walking to the Southern Mountains, and Cas felt his heart sink further with every step. Once they arrived he would know for sure what had happened to his mother and Jovita, and probably Galo as well. And he would lose Em.

His brain kept trying to come up with a scenario where she could stay with him, where he could convince his mother and advisers and everyone in the kingdom that Em wasn’t their enemy.

I know she deceived us all and is partially responsible for Olso’s attack on the castle, but I promise she’s not as bad as you think, Mother! He could already see her face. She would probably slap him.

He wouldn’t blame her. He knew he’d lost his mind, that his feelings for Em had clouded every shred of good sense he had.

But then . . . she also made excellent points. The decisions his father and his advisers had made were not perfect. They were horrifying, in some cases. His father had always seemed convinced that his actions were for the best of Lera, and Cas wished he’d prodded him further. He wished he’d had more honest conversations with his father, like he’d had with Em yesterday.

He glanced at her again. His body was always trying to lean into her, to be closer, to touch her.

“I think it’s best you don’t tell them we traveled together,” Em said.

“You’re right,” he said softly. “I’ll tell them I made the journey by myself.”

“They’ll all be very impressed. Maybe they’ll start saying you’re very handsome and tough.”

“I can only hope.”

Her smile faded and she dropped her gaze, her walk slowing. “I’ll miss you, Cas.”

Two steps this time; he jumped across them and pulled her against him. She always sucked in a tiny breath when he put his arms around her, and it made it impossible not to kiss her. He ducked his head and pressed his lips against hers. He let his hands slide down her back, taking in the shape of her and convincing himself for a moment that he’d never have to let her go.

He wished he’d kissed her before, when they were sleeping in his bed. He would have spent all night kissing her, tracing his fingers over her shoulders, memorizing the shape of her mouth. He’d thought he had all the time in the world then, and now he looked back with exasperation at all the moments with her that he’d squandered.

“I’ll miss you too,” he said when they broke apart. “More than you know.”

She shook her head, brushing her lips against his again. “I know.”

When she looked at him like she was now, it was impossible to think that her feelings were fake, or part of the plan. She looked at him like she never wanted him to let her go, but also like she was about to cry. Like she was desperately, irreversibly sad. He recognized it as guilt, and the worst part of him was glad she felt it. He hadn’t completely forgiven her, and she hadn’t asked him to. She must have known that was an impossible request. He wanted to forgive her, and his father—and himself, while he was at it—but the heavy weight of disappointment was stubbornly sticking to his chest. Clawing it out all at once didn’t seem to be option. Letting it slowly drip away until the hurt became bearable seemed like the more likely scenario. Every time she looked at him, he felt a little piece fall away.

He reluctantly let her go. Selfishly he wanted to ask her to stall, to spend one more night with him under the stars. But neither of them could afford to delay, so he bit back the words.

They walked in silence, occasionally intertwining their hands and holding on to each other.

Voices drifted over the trees, and they both immediately stopped and went perfectly still. Cas couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, as they were speaking softly, but they weren’t far away.

Em crept forward and he followed, letting his hand linger on her back.

A blur of gray and blue flashed through the trees. Cas’s heart leaped and then immediately sank.

Lera soldiers.

“You should go,” Em said quietly.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. She laced her fingers through his.

“You’ll be the best king Lera ever had,” she said, blinking back tears.

He tugged on her hand until her body was against his, her face in his neck. “I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

He hugged her as tightly as he could and kissed her forehead. “When I find your sister, I will make sure she’s set free. Keep watch on the lodge, when you get there. I’ll send her out the front and straight into the trees. You can meet her there.”

“Thank you.” She gave him a shaky smile as he pulled away.

He pressed his lips to hers, for only a few moments, because he was afraid if he held on for any longer he would grab her hand and run away.

He glanced over his shoulder at her once, but that was all he could manage. He didn’t know if she stayed and watched him go, or if she left after that first look.

He ducked under a vine, and the voices abruptly stopped as his footsteps echoed through the jungle. A man with his blue-and-gray coat tied around his waist suddenly appeared from behind a tree, a sword in one hand and a dagger in the other.

Galo. Cas had to blink back tears at the sight of the friend he’d feared the worst for.

The guard’s eyes widened with shock. “Cas?” he said very quietly, still aware of their surroundings.