Redemption(8)

When I had left the house I shared with Matt on Wednesday afternoon, I never thought the weekend would be so dismal. I’d expected the normal antics from my parents but knew they’d be so happy to see Joshua they’d put my circumstances on the back burner. Not only had they not gotten to see him, now they’d never see him again. I had stolen that from them. I’d taken Joshua from the world. It would never matter that it was a situation that had gone terribly wrong, that I’d pulled over to prevent having an accident—none of that would bring me forgiveness. Thus far, no one but the police officer had even bothered to ask my side.

After I had checked in, I settled myself in the aged room. It was clean, but the mattress had seen better days, and the furniture was likely as old as I was. The only thing I had to be thankful for was the bag in my trunk that contained clothes for the weekend I should have spent relaxing by my parents’ pool. In desperate need of a bath, I opened the luggage and took out some shorts and a tank top. Showers have always been a source of relaxation for me, the way the hot steam loosened my muscles, and the sounds of the water beating the walls around me would wipe the world away. Today it did nothing other than allow the silence to seep in, and my thoughts came with it.

Joshua. Criminal charges. Joshua. My living situation. Joshua. Matt. Joshua. The University. Joshua. My parents. Joshua. My friends. Joshua.

Funeral.

Joshua.

Death.

Joshua.

Somehow standing in that stream of water in the rundown motel on the outskirts of the city, the weight of mortality hit me. It had been an accident. I’d never meant to hurt him. But regardless of my intentions, the end result had been the same. He would never see the light of day again. Those who loved him never got to say goodbye. My negligence, my desire to please everyone, my need to burn the midnight oil to keep commitments I never should have made—they resulted in death.

His death. Joshua.

For the first time since I’d woken in the hospital room, the enormity, the severity, the finality of one decision hit me like a freight train. Every drop of water pelted my skin, but what normally resulted in pleasure was crashing down in pain. Each drip bombarded me with another memory, memories that started slaughtering me so fast I couldn’t comprehend them all. I sank to my butt on the motel tub, my head cradled in my hands, and drew my knees to my chest. My long hair was plastered to my body, and I rocked until the water turned cold. There was no way I could face life on the other side of this. No possibility of dealing with the fallout of something that never should have happened. I’d done the responsible thing. I’d pulled over at a rest stop. Nothing should have happened. It was the middle of the afternoon. It just didn’t make any sense. None of it made sense.

“Why?” I wailed at no one but hoped someone would grant me an answer to a question I never wanted to ask. My palms slapped the water pooled in the bottom of the tub, the sound that reverberated off the porcelain startled me but not enough to cease my cries. The word slid off my tongue in muttered melancholy. “Why, why?” The sobs turned to hiccups leaving me a wreck as each drop from the shower stabbed at my prickled skin.

The little energy that remained I exhausted, finally standing to turn off the faucet and dry myself off. After sliding on clean clothes, I swathed my tired body in a blanket from the bed and collapsed. There was no telling how long I stared at the wall before I finally slept, but being asleep was worse than being awake. My subconscious was a vicious beast insistent upon my reliving the nightmare.





4





Chapter Four





In the years since Joshua passed away, I had spent the vast majority of my time alone. After the trial, my family quickly became a thing of the past. Matt held on for a while, but he couldn’t deal with the aftermath either, and my friends weren’t able to cope. I’d managed to hold on to my job the remainder of that year and through the next, but after I was convicted, the school had not renewed my contract due to the negative publicity it brought. I’d worked odd jobs trying to get back into teaching, but my image was shot in Texas. There wasn’t a soul around who didn’t recognize my face or know my story. I did what I had to do to get by, but after a year without success, I started applying to colleges and universities outside of Texas.

It was an adjustment having someone around regularly, but Dan was religious in his pursuit. Relentless. I tried to keep him at arm’s length, for his safety more than my own, but there was never a day he didn’t call or send sweet text messages. If I gave in, I would see him every day. As it was, he’d managed to worm his way into five or six face to face visits a week. And he’d stopped asking because I kept turning him down. Now he just showed up with dinner and a movie or stopped by for lunch between classes. The man had to have been keeping close tabs on me to have figured out my class schedule, but nevertheless, he wouldn’t let me push him away. I loved spending time with him but was terrified of what would happen when he found out the reality of who I was. I didn’t want to fall for someone who would leave when they learned I’d killed another human being. That was a truth I faced daily.

“Hey, Lissa. You feel like grabbing lunch?” Rob had stepped up his game, vying for my time in a way he never had prior to finding out I had a dinner date.

Had Rob asked me out before Dan, I definitely would have seen the potential. The attraction existed, but I couldn’t let go of the fact it took another man entering the picture for him to grab the bull by the horns. I hadn’t led him on, but I didn’t have any friends here, so I didn’t turn him down either. I’d just been completely honest about seeing someone else.