Redemption(7)
I couldn’t disagree.
I’d never had a huge group of friends, but those I did were close. We were a tightly knit group. I had grown up in this town. I’d been in Wimberley since the day I was born, and those girls had been with me just as long. Our parents had grown up together. There were generations of family friends all residing in the town limits. The only time I’d ever left was for college, which was roughly half an hour away, and even after that, I came back and commuted to Austin when I accepted my first teaching position. But not one of them came to check on me. I was terrified to read the papers or turn on the news for fear of what reporters had to say. I dreaded walking out these doors alone for fear of the press. I knew the media would be brutal, but without anyone standing beside me, the public would have a field day. But I had to prepare myself to face this alone. And if Matt didn’t show, I’d have to catch a cab or use Uber to get home…not that I could be certain I still had a home.
The nurse escorted me to the door and proceeded to ask me if someone was coming to pick me up. I didn’t know, but I wasn’t about to share that with her. She’d been here the last two and a half days. She’d seen the lack of traffic in my room. There was no way she didn’t already know the answer, but I lied anyway.
“Yes, my fiancé will be here shortly. He’s stuck in traffic. I’ll just wait on the bench.” I twirled the diamond perched on my left finger. That reminder typically brought me comfort, but today it left me feeling empty, as though it was a lie. There would never be a for better or worse, in sickness and in health because Matt would never forgive me.
She presented me with a smile of pity and patted my arm. “Good luck to you, sweetie.”
The nurse left without my replying. She hadn’t ushered me out the entrance to the hospital where the press lurked hoping to get a glimpse of me, or a crappy shot of the mourning killer to splash on the front page. There was little to no traffic around while I sat on the cement block that served as a memorial to some patron of the hospital. Sunshine tried to ease my pain through the warmth of its rays, but not even the birds chirping or the leaves rustling in the trees could lessen the guilt weighing heavily on my shoulders.
People didn’t come back from this sort of thing. This was what caused someone to pull the trigger and rid their loved ones of having to make the choice of whether to stand by the soul they’d lost or the one who’d taken it.
There was no telling how long I sat there. I debated calling a cab but wasn’t sure where I’d have it take me. If Matt didn’t show, I wasn’t welcome home, but we’d been living together since I graduated from college. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. The only thing I knew to do was wait or call my parents. My emotions ran the gauntlet from humiliation, grief, sadness, and all the way back to self-loathing. I’d sat here staring at nothing for far longer than I’d realized. When I finally glanced at my phone, only to find it was four o’clock, I knew no one was going to show up for me.
Without anyone to turn to for advice, I booked a room in Austin near the school, and then called a cab. I didn’t want to deal with the fallout of my actions, but there was no way around it. I couldn’t afford to pay someone to drive me everywhere I went, nor would I be able to stay in a hotel for very long. As much as I didn’t want to do it, I had to get my car out of impound before I could hide for another day.
*
The woman at the impound lot was less than friendly, and while she didn’t say anything outright, it was more than obvious she knew who I was. Her co-worker shot me sympathetic glances but never spoke. I didn’t deserve sympathy. Every glare I received, every hurtful word mouthed before or after my name, was duly earned.
When the guy brought the car around, he held my stare a little longer than necessary and finally offered me a piece of advice before I left. “Get some plastic to cover up that window until you can get it replaced. Here’s the card for a guy who does good work.”
I took the business card and his advice. The moment he stepped aside, the sight of the broken window sliced through my heart. I couldn’t bear to see any more. There was no telling what was in the vehicle itself that would cause an onslaught of memories to shred my fragile spirit even further. But somehow, I had to force myself to get in…and drive away. My lungs burned trying to hold my breath, and tears stained my cheeks before I was even out of the parking lot. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I gasped for air, and his scent bombarded me. Joshua’s things sat in the front seat taunting me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick them up and move them from sight. All I had to do was toss them in the backseat, but my hand refused to touch them.
The harder I fought internally, the more difficult it became to drive. I wasn’t far from the hotel, and the last time I’d pulled over it had ended in death. Horns blared as my indecision slowed my speed. Even cranking up the volume on the radio did nothing to drown out the guilt and damning thoughts I knew would end up consuming me. Just as I was about to give up, Siri directed me to my final destination a quarter of a mile away.
The hotel turned out to be a motel and certainly nothing fancy. But I didn’t need elaborate—I just had to have a place to crash, to gather my wits, and figure out what all I had to do. I would have to face manslaughter charges in the morning, and then figure out how the school was going to handle one of its professors facing such a grim future. I was sure my boss already knew what had happened, but I hadn’t heard from anyone at the University. I had taken Thursday and Friday off to go see my parents. I wasn’t expected back in class until Monday.