Redemption(14)

I pulled into my spot in the driveway, taking several deep breaths before exiting the car to go in the house. We’d lived here for a handful of years, but suddenly, I didn’t feel welcome in my home. Part of me wondered if the key would even work in the lock. When I stepped inside, I didn’t expect Matt to be standing in the foyer. His arms were crossed over his chest, his feet wide in an aggressive stance. The way his stare penetrated me was haunting. I’d never seen that look on his face. He never had so much as given me a sideways glance. Matt had a gentle spirit when it came to people he loved but was pure alpha outside of those relationships. It was one of the things I’d fallen in love with—the bad-boy exterior with a heart of gold.

The gold had been replaced with ice, and I’d been the one who’d frozen his heart.

“I didn’t expect you to come back.” There wasn’t a hint of emotion behind his statement. Years in the military had given him the ability to remain stoic regardless of the war that raged inside. I saw the anger in his eyes, the hatred in the way he stared at me.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I hadn’t expected anything different except possibly indifference, avoidance, isolation. I never anticipated Matt’s confronting me the moment I walked through the door. It was like he’d been staring out the window waiting for me to pull up. Or maybe he’d been on guard in the entrance since I’d been released yesterday.

“Matt…” His name was merely a whisper of uncertainty.

“Don’t Matt me.”

I didn’t know what to do. I owned the house, too. I had every right to be here even if he didn’t want me to be. I agreed no one owed me anything, but even if he wanted me to leave, there was still the matter of my name on the mortgage, my things in the closets and rooms. If he wanted me to leave, I would, but I had to collect enough to survive which was all I’d be doing—surviving.

“Lissa, I’ve loved you since we were five, but I can’t stand the sight of you right now.” The way he gritted the words out expressed his fury in a way that frightened me.

“Do you want me to leave?” I’d do whatever he needed me to do. There was no fight in me, not for this.

He let out a long sigh, his anger turned to hurt. He was in agony, just like I was. Losing Joshua was more than life-altering, it was life-ending. “I don’t know what I want. I want to lash out at you. Scream, rage. But none of that will bring him back.”

“I know.” It was the truth—the bitter truth of my actions.

“You don’t know! One minute I want to squeeze the life out of you—prevent you from ever taking another breath. But the next, I want to reach out to you and hold you, mourn with you. Love you the only way I know how. I can’t stand the sight of you but can’t sleep without you. I want to hate you but don’t know how to do anything other than love you.” His hands dropped to his side, fists clenched. Releasing, closing, the knuckles going white each time he retracted his fingers. Matt was a trained killer, one of the governments’ prized weapons. He could end me in the blink of an eye or torture me for days.

My head bobbed in a slow nod. I knew exactly how he felt. The same emotions assaulted my own psyche every second of the day.

“For fuck’s sake, Lissa. Say something!”

“I don’t have anything I can say to take away your pain, Matt. Joshua’s life is on me. I took that. I didn’t mean to. God, I didn’t mean to. But that doesn’t matter. None of it matters because none of it changes anything. My remorse doesn’t bring him back, and it doesn’t atone for my sins. It’s just that—regret. You have to know I didn’t do it intentionally.”

“All I know is I begged you to rest. I all but commanded you to stop doing so much. Silly me, I thought it would be you that got hurt. Never in a million years did I imagine you’d kill him.”

I took what he gave. Standing in my foyer, I allowed Matt to vent, to tear me down, say what he needed to clear his mind. I tried not to cry but lost that battle in minutes. But I held his eyes. I made sure every word sank in, deep. Ensured that he saw every syllable cut to the quick—because he needed to release it, and I needed to accept it.

“Just stay away from me. I need space and time to think through this.”

“What about the funeral?” I shouldn’t have asked, not then. But I’d had a mental checklist, and that was the worst of the items I needed to cross off.

“I’m handling it. I think it might be best if you didn’t come. The coroner’s doing an autopsy so we won’t be able to bury him for several days. Either way, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest for you to be there. Someone might hurt you, Lissa.”

“Matt, I can’t—”

“It’s not open for discussion.” And he turned his back and walked away.

I did as he requested. I steered clear and shut myself away in the guest room. Dinner passed, but the thought of food made me want to vomit. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten anything. The silence in the house was painful as I laid on my side, my hands tucked between my legs. Tears came and went, but regardless of how exhausted I was, even long after the sun had gone down, sleep evaded me. I tried to count the stars through the window but lost track every time my mind drifted back to Joshua and then Matt.

The latch on the door clicked when the knob was turned. I glanced at the clock to see it glow 3:04 am. I only had three hours left to pretend I was asleep before I could get up and do this all over again. I didn’t turn over to see what Matt wanted. I assumed it was him but almost prayed it was a home invader who’d end this nightmare once and for all. When the covers receded, and a warm body filled the spot behind me, I knew it was my fiancé and not the grim reaper.