Reckless Abandon(72)

When she turns back to me, her hand goes to her chest as she points dramatically at herself. Her pale blue eyes surrounded by red.

“I lost him too. Luke was my brother too. I cried. I mourned. But I got up. I didn’t do it because I had Adam. I had to be strong for you, Emma. Because no matter how much I lost, how much any of us lost, it wasn’t more than what you were going through. Everyone put their lives on pause for you.”

Leah wipes her face with her hands and down her neck, looking up at the ceiling. “I called off my wedding. I brought you on my honeymoon. I have been trying to help you.” She looks back at me, her face red and splotchy. “You were dead too. Don’t you get it? We didn’t just lose Luke. We lost you too.”

I catch my breath. My spine is so stiff I’m afraid to move. She’s not telling me anything I don’t know. She’s just saying it in a way that has finally gotten my attention.

Leah lets out a loud sigh and places her hand on her hip. “And the Asher thing . . . God, I don’t know. I guess I saw him on that boat and I just thought, I don’t know, Emma. Honest to God, I really don’t know what I thought would happen. When we went to Capri you were doing better but you weren’t the same. Asher put the light back into your eyes. I was so grateful. I had my sister back. For two days you were the old Emma. I mean—yeah, I hate Alexander Asher and what he did to you but if I’m being completely honest, he helped you. Look at you! You’re living in New York, you’re running a school, you’re around music again. I don’t know exactly what happened between the two of you but I’m glad it happened.”

Leah takes a step toward me, wiping her tears with her shirtsleeve. “You’re always looking for someone to blame. It’s Parker’s fault you hurt your hand. It’s my fault you got screwed over by Asher and you think it’s your fault Luke is dead. Emma, it was no one’s fault. Sometime things happen in life and no one is to blame. If you keep on looking for a finger to point at the sadness in the past you’ll forget to enjoy the happy times in the now.”

I open my mouth to say something but I don’t know what to say. I still want to be mad at her. I am mad. But how can I be?

Leah is right. I have been the selfish one. This whole time I’ve been preoccupied by feeling sorry for myself and annoyed at the thought of others worrying about me, yet I never stopped and really focused on what they were going through.

We all lost Luke.

It’s at this moment, the front door opens as Kimberly, Jessica, and Suzanne come in carrying shopping bags. Their loud laughter echoes through my tiny apartment. The three don’t notice the tension between Leah and I in our living room standoff. When they see Leah’s face they assume she looks like hell from being hung over.

I leave the girls to pack their belongings. They have a flight back to Ohio in a few hours. While they chat about their day, I retreat back to my room and think about everything Leah said. My only interruption is when Leah knocks on my door to ask if I want to go with the girls for something to eat. I decline.

When they return, it’s to grab their bags and hail a cab to the airport. I walk them to the curb and wait until a taxi approaches. The girls thank me for an awesome weekend and hop into the car.

Leah has to go around the car to get into the passenger side. Before she does, she idles on the sidewalk, standing next to me.

“So, we still good?” she asks, uncertainty in her voice. “You’re still coming to the wedding, right?”

Still coming to the wedding? “Oh, my God, Leah, of course,” I say, pulling her into a hug. “Nothing would keep me away.”

She lets out a sigh of relief and smiles. “Good. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

I nod my head and help her into the front. We still have a lot to talk about. Things aren’t completely right between us but she’s my sister. No matter how bitter or bad things may seem, I’d rather be mad at her than not have her at all.



I played hooky from work today. In fact, I’ve stayed home for the last three days. It is out of character but I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

Leah has given me a lot to think about. On Monday, I woke up feeling sorry for myself. Mad at what I have done to my family. I stayed in bed all day and didn’t get up.

That afternoon, Crystal texted to see if I was okay. She mentioned Asher was looking for me. I told her I was ill and would be out for a few days.

That night, I heard the roar of an engine and the ring of my doorbell. I didn’t answer it. When I opened my apartment door the next morning I noticed a purple rose taped to my front door. Purple: Enchantment. I wonder what my song would have been.

On Tuesday, I sat on the chesterfield and thought about the last ten months of my life. Leah is right. A lot did change after I met Asher. As much as I hate what he did, he helped me overcome some of my fears. My fear of speed, my fear of playing music and most importantly, he made me feel. Even if that feeling became anger in the end, it was pure emotion running through me.

That night, I ignored the knock on the door and cursed Mattie for being the one who is probably letting Asher into the building. When I heard the engine roar off in the distance, I open the door to see another rose taped to it. Fuchsia: Appreciation.

Yesterday, I spent my third and final day locked in the house looking through every photo album I own. I looked at pictures of Leah, Luke, and I through the years. I opened scrapbooks my mom created for me of every recital program, newspaper clipping, and accomplishment I every enjoyed. I surprised myself at how nice it felt to look at everything I accomplished. Instead of looking through my memories for contempt of what I lost, I looked on with feelings of joy and a renewed vow to be great again. Maybe not in music, but in something else. I accomplished so much and I’m only twenty-five. Imagine what I can do in twenty-five more years?