Real Men Knit(11)

Jesse, the family fuckup. Jesse’s so lazy. Jesse has no ambition. Jesse the player. Well, that one maybe he had to own, but yeah, he knew how they each thought of him, and it wasn’t too highly. Jesse let out a sigh and slipped his feet into his well-worn Chucks. He ran his hand through his locs, untangling them as best he could, finally giving up and searching the top of his nightstand for a band to pull them back and out of his face. He didn’t need his more straitlaced brothers railing at him about his hair today.

Letting out a long breath, he then sucked in deeply, preparing to go downstairs and face his brothers for the first time without the backup of Mama Joy as a buffer. For so many years he took for granted the calming strength of having her at his back. Though in many ways the Strong brothers were their own little mini crew. A source of silent protection from the ever-looming threat of all that could harm them: the system stacked against them, judgment, their race, police, gangs—the list sometimes felt endless. But Mama Joy was his true protection within the house, or at least he had thought so. Jesse snorted. Probably all his brothers had thought the same thing. Mama Joy had that way about her.

Still, she was the one who got him. She was the only one who did. Understanding his creative quirks. She never judged or expected more from him than he was willing to give at any time. Jesse paused as he thought over what had just run through his mind. More than he was willing to give. Damn, he really was a selfish bastard.

Swallowing hard against the image of Kerry that came up and swam before his eyes, Jesse fought against his emotions. But Kerry was right in what she’d said in the kitchen—Mama Joy would be disappointed with how they were acting. How he was acting. It was as if nothing had changed and he was going about business as usual, disappointing her in death as he had all his life.

He looked over at the baseball bat, now back behind his bedroom door. What had he been thinking anyway? Running downstairs in his underwear like some fool, then standing there in front of Kerry like a broke-down Calvin Klein model? Yeah, he knew it was only to mess with Kerry and get a rise out of her. But it wasn’t fair, and she didn’t deserve it. He was clearly being childish and deflecting from feelings he didn’t want to face. The thought of her teary and warm in his arms made guilt rise even higher. No, it wasn’t fair. Bringing his pain to her. No matter how close they were or how good and perfect she felt, Jesse knew it wasn’t right.

Besides, Kerry wasn’t one of his normal hookups or even close to a potential hookup. No, she was different. She was more like family—well, as far as not being any relation could be like family. But then again, that was pretty much his whole family. Still, she didn’t deserve his teasing, not when she was there to help them. Kerry deserved better, and he knew Mama Joy would have wanted him to be better. Jesse let out a sigh and looked toward the hall stairs as he heard the sounds of what must be Lucas and Noah joining the fray. He swallowed, then stepped out into the hall and gave a glance to the closed door of Mama Joy’s room on the opposite end of the hallway. Better or not, it was time to face the music.

Decisions must be made, and it was time for him to finally step up and take his place once and for all to be the type of Strong brother that Mama Joy always wanted him to be.



* * *





“Are you out of your damned mind?” Of course, this question that wasn’t really a question but more of a statement of fact was coming from Damian’s lips.

“No, I’m not,” Jesse said, trying his best to stay calm. It would do no good for him to yell or, hell, show much emotion for that matter. Not when it came to sparring with Damian. Even though his decision and, he knew, even those of his brothers would be purely based on emotion if they ended up going his way.

“In what world does it make sense to keep the shop open? Shit, Mama Joy was barely able to keep it hanging on all these years,” Damian said. “How she made do, we’ll never know, since she never shared her financial problems with us. Not even with me. But I’m sure a large part of it was from city grants, subsidies and some of her magic luck, which, now that she’s gone, is also gone right along with her.”

Jesse thumbed his hand toward Damian and looked at his other two brothers. “See what I mean. An asshole. And worse, an asshole with no vision or faith.”

“Oh, come on with that bull,” Damian said. “How far is some crap like faith really going to get any of us? Besides that, when have you ever had vision?”

Jesse raised a brow and gave his brother a knowing look. “Really? I can’t believe you’re going there.”

Damian threw up his hands. “You know what, I’m not. Because this conversation is ridiculous. The fact remains that none of us know anything about running this place. Not that we’d have the time even if we did.” Damian snorted and gave Jesse a side-eye. “All except you, that is.”

“He’s right,” Lucas piped in as he pushed back and got up from his seat at the large farmhouse table, on the way snagging another one of the muffins that Kerry had put out. So very Lucas. He would not be goaded into rushing his words and instead took the long way around. He pushed back his bangs, which had grown long over the past week, with Mama Joy’s death and the funeral arrangements. Jesse knew he’d trim them soon before going back to work. He watched as Lucas leisurely walked around the display of new yarns that Mama Joy had set up in the corner by the front window the week before last. With his muscular but still trim firefighter frame, Lucas could barely fit around the tight display and had to take it sideways. Still he looked comfortable as he picked up a skein of marled wool in shades of blue and held it up, inspecting the various tones, giving it a caress before placing it back in the basket. He took a bite of the muffin in his other hand and looked at Jesse as he chewed. The long, dark, assessing stare gave Jesse not a clue about which way his brother would go. Finally, Lucas spoke. “Come on, Jes. Though it sounds like a nice idea in theory, Damian is right.”