Queenie(64)

“Hi,” I huffed, blinking water out of my eyes, “I think I must have pressed the wrong buzzer. I meant to press flat B, sorry.”

The girl squinted at me through small blue eyes, and her face dropped. “Er,” she started, “let me just . . .” then turned and ran up the main stairs. I stepped into the communal hallway and wiped rain off of my arms and legs with wet hands, splattering the ceramic tiles. The smell of the building was soothingly familiar, and with each deep breath I felt the tension in my stomach loosen.

“What are you doing?” I heard. I looked up and saw Tom standing on the stairs outside our old door in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. As he closed the door behind him, my mouth dried up and my stomach lurched half with fear and half with desire. It had been so long that I’d forgotten what he looked like topless. I thought about turning to leave, but I’d gone all that way in the rain so was going to say what I’d gone there to say. Plus, it was still pouring.

“Tom! Hello, stranger.” My voice trembled. “How are you?”

Tom didn’t reply, he didn’t move, he didn’t show any sign that he was pleased to see me. He just carried on looking down at me.

“So,” I started, “I know that you might not be ready to talk to me, but I just need to say something. I—”

“Queenie, this isn’t fair.” Tom cut me off firmly. “You can’t just show up here.”

“Okay, and yes, you’re right, and I know that I should be respecting your space, but, like, I used to live here, plus you’ve been ignoring my messages for months and I didn’t know what else to do,” I said in a small voice. “I don’t need to come up, but let me say what I need to.”

Tom opened his mouth to protest, probably, but closed it again. I took that as my cue to begin.

“I don’t know how it’s been for you, but the last few months have been fucking terrible for me,” I confessed. “I’m so far away from where I was when I was with you. We used to speak about marriage, and babies, and at the time I didn’t think I could do it, and I was scared, but now I’m even more scared that I’ve lost you, and lost the marriage and the babies—” I took a deep breath. “I’m having all of these random one-night stands with men who treat my body like it’s a sex aide, and there was this one guy who I was sleeping with and the sex was, on reflection, pretty brutal, but then Cassandra came round and it turns out it’s her boyfriend, which is mad, and so she called me a slut”—I paused to take in a deep breath—“and there’s also this guy from my office who I knew I shouldn’t get involved with but I’ve been so lonely and I was just waiting for you to get in touch, and he turned out to be married so I really shouldn’t have got involved. . . .” It was like I couldn’t stop it from coming out. Tom wasn’t looking at me, but I could see from how red his face was getting that he was angry. I carried on anyway. “So I’m sensing that I’m probably oversharing, but the point is that I miss you and I’m scared of the person I’m becoming.” I finished speaking and took a deep breath. “I’m not me without you. This break is killing me.” I took another deep breath. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

I listened to Tom breathing heavily through his nose. I opened my mouth to ask what I could do to get him to talk to me again when he finally spoke. “You know that’s the first time you’ve apologized?” He laughed softly. “The first time you’ve actually said sorry. After everything. The pushing away, the lashing out, the mood swings. The first time you’ve apologized.”

“It can’t be,” I said, before realizing that he was probably right. “Well. I am.”

I started to walk up the stairs toward Tom, but he put a hand out to stop me. “It’s too late, Queenie,” he said quietly. “It was too late months ago, I thought you got that!”

I stumbled backward down the wooden steps and grabbed onto the handrail to stop myself from falling and cracking my head open on the tiled floor.

“But we love each other!” I said, trying to convince him. “All this time, I thought we loved each other,” I said, trying to convince myself. “And the text, at New Year’s, I said I wanted us to have a good year, and you replied with a kiss?”

“Yeah, sorry about that, I was hammered. I should have realized you’d read too much into it.” His words were like a punch to the gut.

The door to the flat opened and the girl from before stepped out. “Sorry to break this up.” She looked down at me apologetically. “Tom, are you coming back in?” she asked, putting her hand on his waist.

“Yeah, give us a sec, Anna,” Tom said, turning around to her. “I’m just saying good-bye.”

She closed the door behind her, but Tom continued to face where she’d been standing. “You should go.”

“Who’s that? I thought she was a neighbor,” I told him. No response. “It’s okay if you’re sleeping with other people, I don’t mind that, it’s not like I hav—”

“I—uh.” Tom swallowed loudly. “Anna’s my girlfriend, Queenie. Has been for a while now.” He wouldn’t look at me.

“But,” I gasped, “I agreed we should revisit where we were in three months?”