Only Child(55)

I noticed the barstool was still lying on the floor, so I went to pick it up and pushed it back in to the counter. Then I put my plate in the sink, and it was still full, but I didn’t want to eat anymore. I cleaned up my milk spill from the counter. The hot feeling in my belly started to go away. And the tears stopped, too. In the family room, I picked out PAW Patrol on demand. It’s a baby show, but I started to like it again.

After a while, after the first PAW Patrol was almost over, Daddy came in the family room and said, “Hey, bud,” and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. “Where’s Mommy?”

“Upstairs packing,” I said.

“What happened there?” Daddy pointed at my arm.

I didn’t want Daddy to know I made Mommy upset again, so I said, “I just got a scratch.”

Daddy made lines on his forehead.

“Can I watch another one?”

“OK, yeah, sure. I’m going to find Mommy upstairs, OK?”

“OK,” I said. “But, Daddy?”

Daddy stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. “Yes, buddy?”

“Do you sometimes wish that I died? I mean, instead of Andy? That Andy could still be here and not me?” I started to feel tears come back in my eyes.

Daddy stared at me for a second and he opened his mouth a couple times, but no words came out, like he had to do a couple tries first before he could start talking. He walked back to me slowly and pulled me up so I was standing on the couch and we had almost the same tallness.

“No, Zach,” he said, and his voice sounded like something was stuck in his throat. “No,” he said again. “Why…why would you say such a thing? I would never…wish that you died.”

“Does Mommy, do you think?” I asked, and tears started to spill over on my face when I thought about how she talked to me earlier in the kitchen.

“No, Mommy wouldn’t ever wish that either,” Daddy said. He lifted up my chin and wiped the tears off my face. “Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said?”

I shook my head yes.

“OK,” Daddy said, and he gave me a hug. Then I sat back down on the couch, and Daddy stayed standing behind me for a while. He put his hand through my hair a few times and then he left to go upstairs.

I turned on PAW Patrol, “The New Pup,” and I like this one because Ryder surprises the pups with the snow patroller, and that’s a cool lookout truck on wheels. They also meet a new pup, her name is Everest, and she becomes part of the PAW Patrol. I watched that whole show, and I was about to start another one, but I saw on the cable box clock that it was 8:30 and that was late. I wanted to go see what Mommy and Daddy were doing and why they weren’t getting me for bedtime.

When I walked up the stairs, I heard their voices, Mommy’s and Daddy’s, and I knew right away there was fighting again. The door to their room was closed, but I could hear the fighting through the door. I walked over to the door very quiet so there was no squeaking in the floor. I sat down in front of the door and leaned my back against the wall.

“All I’m saying is that this is our family’s private issue, and we shouldn’t constantly display it for the whole world to see! Can’t we give it some time?” I heard Daddy say.

Mommy did a laugh, but like a mean laugh. “No, WE can’t give it some time. That’s the point—I don’t want to keep it private. We shouldn’t keep it private. And I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass if your mother agrees or not.”

“It’s not about my mother,” Daddy said. “She was only bringing to my attention what people are saying.”

“People. What people? No one’s going to care about this anymore in a few weeks, Jim! Life’s going to go on, and we’ll be left here, with our lives in shambles, and people are not even going to care anymore then. Don’t you get that? And then it will be too late to try to talk about it!” Mommy’s words were coming out very fast. “I know you’re worried about what it looks like,” Mommy said, and she changed her voice when she said, “looks like,” sort of made it deeper. “Me going in front of the cameras and letting it all hang out, right? But frankly, I don’t give a shit about that anymore, Jim. I honestly don’t give a shit.”

“Please don’t be ridiculous. It has nothing to do with that,” Daddy said.

“It has everything to do with that! I’m tired of putting on a show! I’m so goddamn tired of it. And none of it matters anymore. Can’t you see that?”

“Jesus Christ, Melissa, we’re all hanging on by the skin of our teeth. We need to think about Zach. You saw how Zach reacted at the interview. It wasn’t right to have him there, to do it in the first place. I told you that.” Daddy talked more quietly now, but Mommy did not.

“That must have been embarrassing for you, right? To have him act out that way in front of people? Andy 2.0. And in front of cameras? Well, they ended up not showing that part, so what are you worried about?”

“That’s really not fair,” Daddy said. “That’s not what I’m worried about at all. He is so upset. I’ve never seen him act like this before. And the nightmares and bed-wetting…”

“He lost his brother, for crying out loud,” Mommy yelled. “Of course you’ve never seen him act like this! We’re all trying to deal with our feelings here, the best we can.”