One Last Time(3)

“Well.” I suck in a breath. “I think the first thing we do is decide who leaves, and then we should make a plan to talk to the kids.”

Scott and I sit at the table, and for the first time all night, we act like adults. There’s no screaming or name-calling. We work to create a list of things that need to be handled and who will tackle each task. We don’t have much debt, which is thanks to the inheritance my grandfather left me, so that is handled quickly. We both agree to tell the kids together and try to keep things civil. The last two items are the ones that will be where, hopefully, this whole grown-up act doesn’t fall apart.

The house and the kids.

He’s going to have to kill me before he gets the kids. I won’t give them up.

“We’ve put these off, but we should make the choices,” Scott says with his hands clasped.

“The house.” I place the pen on the table.

This is the one I’m willing to concede if I have to. I can live with my parents or ask my best friend, Heather, to stay at her place since it’s empty. There are options for me, but I can’t live without my babies.

“I’d like to stay here. You can’t pay the mortgage, and I can’t afford rent and the mortgage,” Scott requests.

“What about the kids?” I switch because, really, that’s all that matters.

He sighs. “I won’t do that to you.”

“You won’t what?”

I pray he’s telling me he won’t try to take them. They’re all I have.

He runs his fingers through his hair. “As much as I want them, I can’t do it. I travel too much, and we both know Finn will never leave you. However, I want them on weekends and stuff like that. I love them, too.”

“Thank you,” I say with gratitude.

We both agree that he’ll remain in the house, but we’ll split some of the furniture to keep the kids as comfortable as possible. I’m not sure how this will work, but at least we’re in agreement for the most part.

I climb into bed and the cold sheets cause me to shiver. My hand slides across to where my husband should be, but it’s empty. Scott won’t be there anymore. The events of the day come crashing around me.

It’s really over. My husband and I are divorcing.

I clutch the pillow and bury my face, trying to muffle the sounds of my uncontrollable crying. I never knew a heart could hurt so much, but I’m in agony. I love him, but it’s over. We couldn’t make things work, and I’ve failed. I gasp for breath as the tears soak my pillow.

“Kristin?” His deep voice fills the room.

“Please don’t,” I plead. I don’t want him to see me this way.

Scott moves forward anyway and then crouches beside me. Even in the dark, I see the pain in his eyes. “Don’t cry, baby.”

That breaks me. I cry harder than before, and he pulls me into his arms. He holds me to his chest, and I struggle to gain control. There’s just no stopping the tears. I cry for the years we had, the years we’ve lost, and the years we’ll never have. I would’ve stayed if he told me he wanted to try. I know it’s stupid, but giving up on him feels like defeat.

After a while, I start to relax. My heart still aches, but I’m not sobbing. Scott rubs my back, and I sniffle. “I’ll be okay.”

He leans back and cups my face. “Are you sure?”

“I’m just sad.”

“I’m not happy about this, either, Kris.”

That’s the worst part, we both love each other, but we can’t fix what’s broken. “I know.”

His forehead rests on mine, and we both sit here. Scott’s thumb moves across my cheek as he tilts my head up. “I loved you, Kristin.” His voice is husky. “You were the most beautiful woman in the world.”

My heart races as something shifts between us. “Scott,” I whisper. I’m not sure if I’m asking him to stop or to keep going. How do you stop loving someone? How do you push away the only man you’ve ever loved?

He’s still my husband.

The air in the room is charged as we breathe each other in. Scott’s other hand glides to my neck before sliding down my chest. My body tingles as he grazes my breast.

“Tell me to stop, and I will,” he murmurs against my lips. “One more time, Kris. I need this. I need to feel you.”

Confliction stirs, but I’m so raw I can’t say the words no matter how much I want to. I’ve been lonely, and I want to be loved for once.

Just as our lips brush, Scott plunges forward. He guides me to my back as I welcome his weight above me. His mouth melts against mine, and I kiss him like none of the events of the day happened. He moans into my mouth while I cling to him. I need him to make me feel alive.

It’s been so long. Too long to count since we’ve made love. How many nights did I pray he’d come to me, love me, but he hadn’t.

My hands tangle in his dark brown hair, holding his lips to mine. I force myself to pretend we’re still madly in love and life is perfect.

But we aren’t perfect.

This is a fantasy that will end in tragedy if I get lost in the illusion.

Those four words ring in my head, reminding me why I was crying to begin with.

I can’t do this to myself.

One more time won’t do anything to stop what’s coming. He doesn’t love me anymore.