One Last Time(2)

He wanted a baby. If I could give him a child, we’d be fine. I truly believed that, but each month I got my period, he’d remind me how I couldn’t even give him a baby.

The day I found out I was pregnant with Finn, things changed. The man I love came back to me. But after Aubrey, I was back to being worthless.

That snowball has rolled me over and left me lifeless.

“It never changes,” he huffs. “I’m done trying!”

So am I. I’m tired of being tired. I’m over having my heart trampled for nothing. He’ll never love me. I’ve got nothing left to give.

“How did we get here?” My voice cracks as the pain takes hold. “How has this become our life? I used to love you so much it hurt to breathe, and now? Now, it just hurts. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t spend every night with us at each other’s throats. It’s too hard.”

“If you’d just try to do more—”

“If I’d just? Are you kidding me? All I do is try! All I do is give you what you want, but it’s never enough!” My God. How can this be all on me? I can’t possibly be that bad. I do try. I try and try, and it never changes.

Scott runs his hands down his face. “You used to be.”

“Right.” A tear falls. “I used to be a lot of things, and so did you.”

My heart squeezes and everything inside me hurts. I look at Scott, wanting one reason to fight. If I could find some glimmer of hope that we could figure out a way, I’d garner the strength to go on.

His eyes meet mine, and I know there’s nothing left to fight for.

There’s no hope left, and I break. A strangled sound escapes my lips at the loss I feel deep in my bones.

He moves quickly, gathering me into his arms, and I sob. I clutch him, needing to hold on because I feel so alone.

“Don’t cry, baby. I hate when you cry. This isn’t what I want for us, Kris.”

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he does care. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

Scott takes my head in his hands and his eyes are soft. “Then do better.”

This is what he does to me. He breaks me down and then does something sweet to make me think it was in my head. I’m so fucked up because of it.

He doesn’t want me. He wants some version of this woman, and I can’t be that. I’m tired of trying to be that because it isn’t possible. The reality is . . . he doesn’t love me anymore, and I won’t live like this.

I pull back, needing space because I’ll fall right back into our pattern.

I hate that two people who would’ve done anything for each other are so far apart they can’t even see each other anymore. Our relationship is a series of battles, all of which I’ve lost.

“This isn’t okay.” I sniff. “The way you treat me. The things you say about me . . . it’s not okay, Scott.”

His eyes close, and a tear falls down my cheek. We both know this is the end, but I don’t know how to take the first step.

Anger is easy to hold on to. It’s the loss of all hope that is killing me inside.

“I’m not going to apologize for the truth. I think you should pack and leave.”

I don’t want to lose my husband, but I won’t be this woman anymore.

I take a step back, wipe the moisture from my cheek, and nod. “I hoped . . .” I’m not sure what I hoped for. Maybe it was for him to love me enough, but he never did.

His brown eyes pierce through me. “I’m tired of being miserable and neglected.”

Hurt and anger flood through me. He’s such an asshole. He thinks he’s neglected? Unreal. I erect the walls around my battered heart so nothing else he’ll say will hurt me. “Okay then. I’m sorry you feel that way. Where do we go from here?” I ask matter-of-factly.

“I want a divorce.”

Four words.

Four words are all it takes to destroy my seemingly perfect life.

“And what do we tell the kids?” I choke on the words. Scott may be a shitty husband, but he’s always been a great father.

This is what hurts deeper than anything he’s done to me. The fact that we’ll disrupt our children’s lives with this is almost more than I can take.

Those two little angels are what have kept us trying this long. Finn and Aubrey don’t deserve the home they’re living in now, though. The constant fighting, the angry words, finding their father on the couch night after night. It isn’t healthy or fair to anyone.

Aubrey is who I worry about. She adores her father, and this will destroy her. Every little girl’s first love is her father, and I hate that she’ll know what it’s like to lose him in a small way.

Scott grips the back of his neck and drops his head. “I don’t know.”

When his eyes lift, I see the glimmering of unshed tears. A tiny glimpse of the man I once knew returns. I know he’s in there, and I wish he’d come back. I take a step forward. My heart is pulled in so many different directions. Wanting to save him, wanting to love him, and wanting to leave.

Then I remember that he’s done. He’s said the words that he can’t ever take back. In all the years we’ve been battling this, we’ve never said the d-word. I thought if one of us ever did that I would fall to pieces. In my head, the scene was of me crying and begging him to love me, him assuring me that he did, and then we’d find a way. I hadn’t realized that even in the sadness, there would be a swell of relief. I’ve been in purgatory for so long. I’m ready to live my life again.