Not Pretending Anymore(66)

“That’s very kind of you. But I’m good…really. My problem doesn’t have a solution, so I don’t want to waste your time.”

“Every problem has a solution. Sometimes we just need to pull our heads out of our asses to see the answer.”

I laughed. “You don’t beat around the bush, do you, Belinda?”

“Nope. So let’s hear it. What’s on your mind?”

I supposed there was no harm in talking with Belinda. She didn’t know Molly or Julia. So I took a deep breath and tried to figure out where to start.

“A few months ago, I had a thing for a woman I worked with. Her name is Julia. We were on assignment, living in Chicago for six months. I was sharing an apartment with Molly, who had a thing for this guy at her work, Will. I came up with the bright idea for me and Molly to make Julia and Will jealous by pretending to be dating.”

“Oh boy, this sounds like a hot mess already.”

I smiled. “Long story short, I got the girl I wanted. Molly got the guy she wanted. But then I realized I didn’t want the girl I had. I wanted Molly.”

“So you’re one of those, huh? The type who only wants the things he can’t have?”

I frowned. “Honestly, I would love to say you’re wrong. But I think that was part of what attracted me to Julia originally. She was beautiful and unavailable, and maybe that was a challenge I wanted. Does that make me a total asshole?”

She nodded. “Pretty much.”

I laughed. “Thanks. Anyway, it’s not like that with Molly. Molly is…” There wasn’t a simple way to describe what she meant to me. But eventually, I looked at Belinda and came clean. “…Everything. Molly is everything.”

Belinda smiled warmly. “Yeah, I had one of those once.”

I took a swig of my beer. “What happened to her?”

“Passed away twelve years ago. Car accident.” She glanced away for a moment. “Still think about her every day.”

“I’m sorry.”

Belinda cleared her throat. “Thank you. So, does this Molly girl love this Will guy?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

“But she picked him over you?”

“It wasn’t really a pick-one-over-the-other-type thing. She knows I live on the opposite side of the country, but more than that, I never really gave her the chance to choose me because I never told her how I feel. I don’t think I can give her what she deserves.”

Belinda wrinkled her forehead. “You don’t have a dick or something?”

I laughed. “No, I’m good in that department. I just mean…Molly’s special. And I…” I shook my head. “I’m not reliable like Will. He’s a doctor, lives in Chicago with her, and has his shit together. She deserves someone stable.”

“You switch jobs a lot or something?”

“No. I’ve been with my company for five years.”

“So why can’t you be stable like this Will guy?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“No shit. Life always is. It’s why those who persevere reap the rewards. You know what people who take the easy way out and don’t push through their problems get?”

“What?”

“They get what they deserve.”

I sighed. “Yeah.”

“So what’s really going on, Declan? It sounds like you got a good job, and you claim your dick works well enough, so what part of you isn’t reliable?”

I was quiet for a long time. Belinda waited patiently, watching me. I could’ve thrown a twenty on the bar and walked out. But I was going to have to admit to someone what I feared. So why not Belinda? Chugging the rest of my beer, I blew out a jagged breath.

“My mother is bipolar.”

“Okay…”

When I said nothing more, she prodded.

“Did your father leave your mom high and dry, and that left a bad taste in your mouth for commitment or something?”

I shook my head. “Nope. He stuck by her side. They’ve been married for thirty-five years. I’m the youngest of five kids.”

“So what am I missing?”

“My father’s a good man. He wouldn’t walk out on my mother. But it changed his life. He carries a pretty damn big burden every day. When I was younger, my mom spent months at a time in bed and couldn’t hold a job. So he worked a lot, and when he wasn’t working, he was trying to help out with one of the five kids, or he was taking care of my mother.”

She nodded. “That sounds tough. But you can’t spend your life avoiding commitment because your father had to carry more than his share. That’s got nothing to do with your life and your relationships.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Then you’re gonna need to spell it out for me. Because I’ve spent thirty years listening to people half in the bag tell me their problems. And I’m having a harder time following you after just two beers than any of them. What’s got you afraid to go after the woman you love?”

I’d never said the words out loud before. But fuck it… Looking Belinda directly in the eyes, I said, “I suffer from depression. Started in high school, though, if you asked most of my classmates, they’d tell you I was the life of the party. But I went through some rough times before I spoke to one of my sisters about it and sought help. It’s pretty much under control now, though I take medication and go to therapy to keep it that way.”