Not Broken: The Happily Ever After(62)

I stopped talking. The more I did, the more I stuck my foot in my mouth. I was so confused and after spending years keeping things inside, I now found it hard to change that behavior.

Malcolm’s arms tightened around me. He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t care if you’re a mess, Ginger.”





Chapter 34


Calida





Walking into my house felt strange. I hung my keys on the hook; the empty hook. Laughter bubbled out of me. I’d had his cars crushed. He’d loved those damn things. I would have never pegged him for a car man, but then again, I wouldn’t have pegged him for a murderer either. My laughter stopped.

Shawn squirmed in my arms, attempting to get down. The distraction welcomed.

“Sorry, buddy. Baby jail for you, so mommy can take a shower.”

A shower and maybe a stiff drink or two. How could so much change in such a short time? Fighting with the unhappy little being in my arms, I knew the drinks were out. After getting Shawn settled with a cup of juice and secured in his playpen, I headed for the bathroom.

Last week—hell the last two years—the idea of sex was something I wouldn’t consider. The thought used to make me physically ill. Letting someone else see my body, let alone take pleasure from it, was a road I’d prepared to avoid at all cost.

Yet, last night I not only took that road, I sat in the driver’s seat. While I waited for the shower to heat up, I looked at my reflection. For the first time in a long time I really studied myself. I looked older. The exhaustion I always felt was clearly shown in my features. Maybe the lies I’d told myself were bigger than I thought. Was I really that good of an actress that I hid this from everyone? I doubted it.

Slowly, I pulled my shirt over my head. I stared at my bare chest, remembering how good it felt to have Malcolm’s hands on me. For years, I’d fantasized about what it would be like to be with Mal. In those dreams, it was always some intense and magical encounter; perfect in every way. Last night was far from perfect.

I’d had sex with Malcolm. I used him last night.

I used him.

I turned away from my reflection, and climbed into the hot shower. That same feeling of guilt and shame I’d have after a night with Seth rushed back. He’d coerce me into sex, always getting a reaction from my body. Always taking pride and pleasure from that fact, reminding me that no matter how much I protested, in the end I wanted him. I’d used Malcolm last night; threw myself at him for my own selfish needs. I did that, but it was him this morning that acted as if he had done something wrong.

Shawn eagerly reached out for me when I entered his room. He’d thrown his cup, and all the toys out of the playpen. He’d been attempting to try and climb out of it when I entered. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer till he figured it out, and then I’d really be in trouble.

“Ready for a snack?”

After getting him changed, we headed downstairs. I heard my phone ringing as we reached the bottom, but I didn’t get to it in time before it stopped. Digging it out of my bag I saw the missed called was from Macy. I hadn’t even thought about what it might be like to face her.

“Oh boy, Shawn, what am I supposed to tell T-T Macy?”

“T-T,” Shawn repeated. His chubby fingers reached for the phone.

“No, we’ll call her later. First, I need to feed you. Want some bananas and cheese?”

He nodded his head eagerly.

I got him settled then joined him at the table with my own plate of snacks. Macy followed up her phone call with a text asking to call her ASAP.

She picked up on the third ring. “Hey chick, whatcha up to?”

“Not much, just snacking with Shawn. What’s up?”

“I need out of my house and away from my husband. He’s driving me batty.”

I laughed. “What is he doing this time?”

“Breathing! I swear if I’d known he’d be this annoying I would have rethought this baby thing. He wasn’t this bad when I was pregnant with London.”

I laughed harder. “Let me guess, he’s cutting back his hours to be home with you more?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you said the same thing then too.”

“Did I? Man I’m losing my mind more than I thought. Pregnancy brain is a real thing.”

Pregnancy. Shit! How could I have been so stupid? We didn’t use anything last night. The last thing I needed right now was another baby. Not to mention it would add another complication to this already complicated situation. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking.

“Lee?”

“Huh?”

“You okay?”

No. No I wasn’t okay, but I wasn’t about to tell Macy that. She’d already adopted a don’t ask don’t tell approach to whatever sex life Mal and I were to embark on.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just got a little distracted.”

“Oh, okay. So, we’re good then?”

Shit. What did she asked me? “Yeah, sure.”

“All right, we’ll be there in a little while.”

We hung up, and that overwhelmed feeling started to take over. It was too much too fast. One fuck up after the next. The unwelcomed tightening started in my chest. Unease settled in my stomach. Shawn banged his now empty plastic plate on the tray of his highchair. I took slow, steady breaths. I needed to keep it together. It was going to be okay. It was going to be okay. I focused on the noise Shawn made, needing the distraction to get my focus off the spiraling abyss that threatened to take over.