Not Broken: The Happily Ever After(41)

The words I’d said to him about us replayed in my mind. I ran my hands down my face and let out a small groan. I’d spent the week hurt and a little pissed that he’d pulled away, thinking he was ready to run after getting a glimpse of how broken I still was, after everything he’d proclaimed. But now I was thinking that had nothing to do with it.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Everything. I’m just better off leaving Shawn as the only male in my life. Well, other than my dad.”

“Why would you say that?”

I dropped my head into my hands, guilt slamming into me like a Mac truck. Oh god, the look on his face when I compared him to Seth. “I told Malcolm the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

“About…” I stopped to let out a slow exhale. “Remember how I said I felt like he ambushed me into this relationship? Well, I told him that.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“Yes! It’s a very bad thing. He wasn’t supposed to know that.”

She frowned. “If that’s how you feel, then he does need to know.”

“No! No he doesn’t. He’s supposed to know that I agreed to this, and that...that...he wasn’t supposed to know.”

“Why does him knowing the truth upset you so much? Don’t you think things would be easier if you both were on the same page as you navigate this relationship?”

I got up to pace. “This is not how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to figure out a way to end things without him being hurt in the process.”

Scratching of pen against paper. “You entered into a relationship you don’t want, and from our talks, it seems you’ve been putting all your energy into finding a way out. Being dishonest to yourself and him does neither of you any favors.”

I looked up at the graying sky. Rain was expected later, and I hoped it would hold off until after Macy and I finished shopping. Malcolm asked me to finish picking out some of the key pieces while he was gone. Now I was wondering if I should bother. Would he really want to live in a house decorated by me for a future I didn’t think was going to happen?

“Calida?”

I turned back to face Dr. Carr.

“What scares you the most?”

“What do you mean?”

“About being in a relationship. Have you stopped to really think about what is at the core of your fear?”

“There’s nothing to think about. I was married to…I was in love with a man that kidnapped, tortured, and killed women for sport. He was planning on making me watch as he killed my best friend because I left him.”

“Do you think every man out there is going to be like him?”

“No, of course not. But…”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t know. I can’t be trusted. Looking back now, Seth gave me all kinds of warnings that I willingly ignored. I became his willing victim.”

“For survival.”

“Maybe. Or maybe that’s the lie I tell myself to hide the truth. I loved him. Even at the end. What kind of person does that make me?”

I wrapped my arms around my body. The first raindrops pelted the windows of her office.

“It makes you human. The heart is a great mystery, and is often known for doing the exact opposite of what you want.”

“Speaking from experience, doctor?” I asked, walking over to retake my seat.

She smiled, and pushed her glasses up. “I think most people have some experience with that.”

“Some more than others.”

“Very true.” She paused, taking a look at her notes. “What is your fear, Calida? Your real fear? You need to think about that. That’s our time for now.” She closed her notebook. “Remember, honesty is key. With yourself as well as with Malcolm.”

I nodded, grabbing my purse as I stood. “See you next week.”

∞∞∞

Mitch greeted me with a warm smile and a welcoming hug when he opened the door. “Lee, how are ya?”

“Good. No patients today?”

“No. Macy hasn’t been feeling well so I took off to be here for her and help with London.”

“What? If she’s sick why am I even taking her anywhere?”

He gave me a weird smile. “It’s nothing serious and she wants out of the house. You want something to drink?”

“No, I’m good.”

I followed him into the living area that now looked more like a toy store. London sat in her jumper, bouncing and happily gnawing on a plastic teether. She got excited when she saw us walk in the room, and reached her arms up, begging to be held. I complied, freeing the chubby little girl from the device.

“How are you today, Princess Pea?”

She responded by trying to shove the slobby teether she had into my mouth.

“She is absolutely spoiled rotten,” Mitch answered for her. “Solely her mother’s doing.”

“Lies!” I turned to see Macy smiling at Mitch. “Half this crap is stuff you came home with because she “needed” it.”

He laughed, walking over to give Macy an affectionate kiss. “What can I say, I can’t deny her any more than I can deny her mother.”

“Then we are really in trouble when she can start asking for stuff.”