No Earls Allowed (The Survivors #2)(80)

Neil laughed quietly, and Julia smiled too.

“But then after the baby came, Harriett seemed to become worse, not better. She was too exhausted to hold her son, and she was so pale.” Julia swallowed. “And there was so much blood. I took Davy to meet his grandfather, but when I returned, I became alarmed at what I saw. Harriett could not be revived. The midwife was in tears, and when we called for the doctor, he said there was nothing he could do. She was dead before the end of the day.”

Neil’s hand tightened where it held hers.

“I laid Davy in her arms, but the baby cried when he was away from me. Still, we stayed until the end. And then, when she was gone, I made the mistake of falling in love with Davy, though he’d never been mine to love.”

“What did Lainesborough do when he was informed he had a son and heir?”

Julia swiped at her eyes. “Nothing. He did not answer our letters or come to see the child. I think I began to believe Davy might be mine. I can’t tell you how I wished he’d been born a girl. If he’d been a girl, Lainesborough wouldn’t have ever taken notice of her, no matter how much he wanted to spite me. Girls were not worth his attention. But I suppose because the child was his heir, eventually he had to take an interest. One day he came to the house and demanded to see Davy. The baby was almost six months old at that time and just so beautiful. Lainesborough didn’t speak to him or even touch him, but he saw how attached I was to the child and how much the little boy loved me. Maybe if he hadn’t seen that—”

Neil lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Shh. None of that now. No what-ifs.”

She nodded. She knew the particular hell she entered when she gave into that line of thinking. “He came back the next week with his attorney and his footmen and took the child away. I tried to protest, screaming and crying, but I had no argument. Legally, the child is his. I managed to be calm and feign happiness when I had to hand Davy over. He was scared enough as it was, and I didn’t want to add to that.” The tears fell unbidden. “But I will never forget the way he held out his chubby arms to me or the way he cried as though his world was ending or the fear in his eyes. I will never forgive myself for abandoning him.”

“You did not abandon him. He was taken away. Those are two very different situations.”

“And yet I still feel as though I failed him—as though I continue to fail him. Where is he now? Who comforts him when he wakes crying? Who holds him and hugs him?” She sniffed and closed her eyes to stem the flow of tears before they threatened to overwhelm her. When she opened her eyes again, Neil had a determined expression on his face.

“It wouldn’t be difficult to discover the answer to those questions.”

Julia wanted to hug him. Sweet, sweet man. “I already know the answers. Davy has a nurse and Lainesborough has a house full of servants. Though he may rarely be home, the child is cared for.”

Neil’s expression turned perplexed. “Then why are you crying?”

“Because it’s not me holding him. It’s not me comforting him. I loved him as though he were my own, and I think, for a little while, he was.”

“And now you have a dozen boys who are your own, a dozen boys who are unlikely ever to be taken away.”

She nodded, relieved that he finally seemed to understand. “And I don’t want to lose a single one.” Not ever again.

To her surprise, he reached over and cupped her cheek. She wanted to lean into his touch, to rub her cheek along the rough pads of his fingers. She wanted him to kiss her again until she forgot all about the leaking roof and the woman with the knife and the image of Davy’s scared face when he was torn away from her.

“Listen to me, Juliana. I want what you want, but I know something about boys. In particular, I know something about orphaned boys. I wasn’t an orphan, but I know what it is to wonder where you belong and to search for your place.”

She tried to draw back, uncertain what he would say and whether she wished to hear it. He took her shoulders and held her so he could look into her face. “These boys want to belong. Even if it means belonging to a gang of thieves. Even if it means taking orders from a man like Slag.”

“But they can belong here. I’ve made a home for them.”

He nodded. “Yes, you have, but all you can do is offer that home. You cannot force them to accept it. Some of these boys have never known what you are offering—warmth, security, and love. They only know fear and intimidation and following a man who would as soon kill them as pat them on the back. You may need to give up some of these boys to save the rest.”

“No!” She stood and backed away from him. Why had she thought he understood? He didn’t understand anything at all. “I won’t give up on Billy or Walter or any of them. I love them.” And though she hated him at the moment, she wouldn’t give up on Neil either. Because he had found a way into her heart, and she loved him enough to know that she would be devastated when he left.

Neil stood. “And would you allow Billy to stay and corrupt James and Chester and little Charlie?”

Julia’s heart thumped quickly. He knew the boys’ names. He pretended he did not, but he knew them. He knew all of them.

“Because that’s what he will do. Slag is gone, but another will take his place. Men like him are as abundant as fleas in the rookeries. Billy will find another upright man, and one of his first tasks will be to recruit other boys. Because if there’s one thing a gang needs, it’s a steady stream of thieves to replace the ones who are sent to prison.”