Night Road(72)

“This can’t continue,” he said, raising his voice.

She was startled by the volume. “Save your surgeon voice for people who work for you.”

“You’re letting it drown you. Us.”

“It.” She finally turned to him. “Our daughter’s death. So what, I’m overreacting? How disappointing for you.”

Miles tightened his jaw. “Enough. I’m not going to let you turn me into the bad guy who didn’t love Mia enough because I can still somehow love my son and my wife. You need help. You need to start.”

“Start what? Forgetting her?”

“Letting go. It’s not healthy to keep hanging on to her. Zach needs you. I need you.”

“And there it is. The real point. You miss your wife, so I better toe the line.”

“Damn it, Jude, you know that’s not what I’m saying. I’m afraid we’re going to lose us.”

Somewhere deep inside, she felt the sting of that, and the truth of it. She experienced a rare desire to explain, to try to make him understand. “I went to Safeway last night. At midnight. I thought no one would be there. And I was right. I wandered around the aisles, just looking at stuff. When I ended up at the check stand, I had four tomatoes and ten boxes of Lucky Charms. The cashier said, ‘Wow, you must have a lot of kids.’ I stared at her and thought, How many kids do I have? What do I say to people? One, two. One now? I ran out without paying. You’re right. I need help. How about if I get some of it from you and you just back off?”

“I don’t know how to back off. I’m scared as hell you’re going to fill up your pockets with rocks and walk out into the water one day, like that stupid movie we saw.”

“I wish.”

“See? See?” He got to his feet. “All right, Jude. You want my help? I’m going to give it to you. I’m going to get us started.” He walked toward the sliding pocket doors and went into the house.

She let out a relieved sigh and sank back into the chair. That was how all of their conversations seemed to go lately. Miles storming off or walking away or trying to cure her with a hug. None of it meant much to her.

She stared down at Mia’s stoneless ring, seeing the way the sunlight glanced off the prongs.

Then it hit her.

She knew what Miles was going to do to “help” her. It was something he’d mentioned often. You can’t keep putting it off, he’d say. As if grief were a train that needed to stay on schedule.

With a cry, she flew out of her chair and ran up the stairs.

Mia’s door was open.

She stumbled to a stop, frozen. She hadn’t been able to touch the doorknob since that terrible night. She’d kept the door closed, as if not seeing the pink room would diminish her pain somehow.

But now Miles was in there, probably starting to box up her things.

To give to other kids, Jude. Children in need. Mia would want that.

She shrieked his name and ran for the open door, ready to scream at him, grab at him, claw at him.

He was kneeling on the wheat-colored carpet, his head bowed, clutching the soft pink stuffed puppy that had once been their daughter’s second-best friend in the world, next to her brother. “Daisy Doggy,” he said thickly.

Jude remembered with a stunning clarity how much she loved this man and how much she needed him. She tried to think of what to say to him now, but before she found her voice, Zach came up beside her.

“What’s all the—” He saw his dad, holding Daisy Doggy, crying, and Zach started to back up.

“Zach,” Miles said, wiping his eyes, but Zach was already gone. Down the hall, a door slammed shut.

“We’re losing him,” Miles said quietly. Slowly, as if his arm didn’t quite work right, he put down the stuffed puppy.

Jude heard the censure that had crept back into his voice, the blame he placed on her, and she felt weighed down by it. “We’re all lost, Miles,” she said. “You’re the only one who doesn’t get that.”

Before he could answer that, she went back downstairs and crawled into bed.

*

Lexi knew now why her lawyer had wanted her to plead not guilty. Prison was a place where women beat one another up for a hand-rolled cigarette. You had to be careful every second. The wrong look at the wrong woman could literally get you killed.

She was afraid all of the time, and when she wasn’t afraid, she was irritated. Her temporary cellmate, Cassandra, had turned out to be a crystal-meth addict who would do anything for drugs and moaned all night in her sleep. Lexi had spent the first four weeks dodging the big mean women who ran the drug trades. She spoke to no one.

Today, though, she had something to look forward to.

It was visiting day. Lexi knew it was wrong to make Eva come up all this way, and she wished she were strong enough to tell her not to come, but she couldn’t. It was so damned lonely here. Eva’s visits were the only good thing left in her life, the only hour all week to which she looked forward.

She spent all morning counting the minutes, listening to Cassandra puke in their lidless steel toilet. When the guard showed up to take Lexi to the visitors’ room, she practically leaped up. Following instructions precisely, she made her way through the various doors, past the inspections, and into the big, windowed room where family and friends came to visit.