My Oxford Year(94)

I let the cold seep into my knees for a minute. I clock my breathing, wait for it to settle. I look at the bare branches above me, the gray mist of a sky, the cars, the Dacias and Minis and Vauxhalls, which I realize seem more familiar to me now than their American counterparts.

I lift the phone up, stare at the screen for a moment.

And then turn it off.

It occurs to me now, in this blisteringly cold hospital car park on the outskirts of Glasgow, Scotland, that being called upon to do something because you’re good at it is not the same thing as having a calling. My calling is education, not politics. Politics was my father’s calling.

I feel like I’m waking up from one of those dreams, the revelatory kind, where you carry with you into waking the sense that all secrets were revealed and all mysteries were solved, and everything feels different . . . but what the hell was it about? You struggle to remember the context, you chase the clues left behind, you hold on to the threads of the revelation hoping they’ll lead you back to the source, and when you finally give up and let it go . . . it finds you.

Maybe my dream of Oxford, the planning, the career building, the Rhodes, everything that went into getting me there was really about: just getting there. Maybe the City of Dreaming Spires—the foundational lifeblood of education in the Western world—wasn’t itself the dream, but the entry point to something I could have never imagined, never seen until now.

Love. Family. Connection.

A life.

And the freedom to decide, on my own terms, what I want to do, what I’m going to do with my calling.

For the first time in a decade, I don’t have an immediate plan.

Well. Except for one.

I go back into the hospital, stopping by the commissary to buy a round of coffee for my fellows in purgatory. Reentering the waiting room, I see Cecelia and Antonia sitting side by side, talking. William’s next to his wife, nominally reading, but mostly just teeming with ineffectual worry.

I hand out coffee and then plop down across from all of them. “William,” I say. He looks up from his magazine. “We have some business to discuss.” He nods once, as Cecelia and Antonia look at me warily. “When Jamie comes out of this, when he feels better, I don’t care if it’s in the middle of term, I’m taking him traveling. We’re going to travel until we feel like stopping. You’re not going to make him feel bad about this. In return, I promise that I won’t let him be reckless.”

Antonia perks up, her face radiant with hope. “Dear girl! Are you staying?”

“Sorry, yeah. I’m staying.” Should have led with that.

Antonia gasps, leaps out of her chair, and throws her arms around me. Over her shoulder I continue to stare at William, waiting for a response. Finally, after an eternity, he says, “Your terms are acceptable,” and goes back to his magazine.

“Really?” I can’t keep the surprise out of my voice as I pull away from Antonia. “Because I mean it. We’re going to go and keep going. Jamie’s shown that he cares about his health and we’ll do whatever needs to be done, but—”

“First rule of business,” William murmurs, flipping a page. “When they say yes, stop talking.”

The barest hint of a smile crosses his face, but before I can return it, Dr. Corrigan walks into the room and we all flock to her like imprinted ducklings.

I can’t read her expression.

I have a horrible, sinking, high-seas feeling in my stomach. What if he’s gone? What if I made all these life plans for us and there’s no more us?

Honestly? I wouldn’t change a thing. I look around and realize that there is so much more us than I ever realized.

A peace settles over me, causing me to meet the doctor’s gaze with strength.

Luckily, she smiles. “It’s time to wake Jamie up.”

IT TAKES A few hours to bring him out of the anesthesia. So while Jamie is being un-anesthetized, we four do our best to get completely anesthetized with my half-consumed bottle of birthday Scotch from Charlie, which we happily drink out of Dixie Cups in the hospital lobby.

When we’re finally allowed to enter Jamie’s room, I take the lead, coming around the corner and finding myself halted by the beautiful sight before me. Jamie’s sitting up, the head of the bed elevated. He looks absolutely wrecked. “Rode hard and put away wet,” as my father would have said. But when he sees me, I’m rewarded with a big, loving, living smile. He reaches his hand out. It’s only a few inches off the bed, but it’s enough. More than enough.

I cautiously walk down the aisle, approaching his bedside.

Seeing his eyes open, alert, blue, twinkling, and wanting weakens me. My chest blows open and a gust of love rushes through it.

I thought the hardest thing I’d have to do was leave him in June.

But the hardest thing is staying. The hardest thing is living with dying. Loving with dying. The hardest thing is love, with no expiration date, no qualifiers, no safety net. Love that demands acceptance of all the things I cannot change. Love that doesn’t follow a plan.

I take his hand gently and kiss it. He tries to speak, but his voice is raw from intubation and sleep. Nothing comes out but a small, endearing squeak. I resist the urge to jump on him. Probably not medically sound. So I whisper, “I love you.”

I watch him smile. Then, by sheer force of will, he slowly pulls me close to him, bringing my ear to his mouth. He takes a shaky breath, mustering all his strength, and I close my eyes, ready to hear those words repeated back to me.