Most of All You: A Love Story(17)

“I don’t know, Kayla,” I answered honestly. “But I’m all right with halfway okay. It’s better than completely miserable, or halfway dead. And I’ve been both.” I gave her a small smile, and she offered me a sad one in return. I picked up my brush and started brushing my hair in long strokes.

“Yeah,” she said on a sigh. “Rodney might be right, you know. What else do girls like us have but our tits and our asses? And what do we do once those are shot to hell by gravity? Who will want us then?”

No one. No one will.

“And,” Kayla went on, “what if we get sick? Who will take care of us? What will we do? Die alone under some overpass?”

What am I gonna do now? Oh, Lord God, what am I gonna do now?

My mama’s words. My mama’s experience. Was that where I was headed, too? A feeling not unlike dread moved down my spine. I dropped the wooden hairbrush and it clattered to the floor. I bent to pick it up, my hands shaking as I snatched it and stood again.

“You okay?” Kayla asked. I glanced at her in the mirror, and her face was wrinkled in concern.

“Yeah,” I said, the word rushing out, more breath than sound. “Yeah,” I repeated more clearly. I set the brush down and turned to face Kayla.

She sighed again. “I was pregnant once. Did I ever tell you?” I gave her a small shake of my head. She looked down at her hands. “Wayne made me get rid of it.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I didn’t want to, but he said he wasn’t ready for kids, and he wouldn’t stick around if I kept it. So I had an abortion.” My belly did a slow flip as if I was going to be sick.

“Oh, Kay, I’m so sorry.”

You told me you got an abortion … I didn’t want her seven years ago, and I don’t want her now.

A tear slipped down her cheek. “It was my own fault. I listened to him. I did what he wanted. I chose him over my own baby. And look where it got me—in the end he left me anyway. I hate myself for what I did, and I’ll never forgive myself. My baby would be five years old now.”

I sat down next to her on the couch, taking her hands in mine. “You’re a good person, Kayla.” I didn’t know what to say other than that, and so I didn’t say more. I just held her hands and squeezed them. She was a good person. I wished I could tell her how to forgive herself, but if I knew the answer to that, maybe I’d be a lot better off than I was. I sighed, giving her hands one final squeeze before letting go.

“Let’s stop beating ourselves up right now, Kay. This is what Rodney wants us to be doing—going over every way in which we should feel ashamed. Let’s not give him this power over us. You lay off the Doritos and call me if you need someone to hang out with, okay? And as far as the gravity stuff, I think we have a little bit of time before it starts stealing our assets.” I put my hands on my breasts, plumping them up over my bikini top before winking at her, feigning a nonchalance I didn’t feel, trying to cheer her up, even just a little. What I actually felt was breakable, as if I might shatter the moment someone looked at me the wrong way.

Kayla smiled. “Okay. You got an appointment with your boyfriend tonight?”

I raised a brow. “My boyfriend? Hardly. He’s just another paying customer.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I heard a special little something in your voice when you told me about him on the car ride here tonight.”

I rolled my eyes, going to the mirror, where I wiped a smudge from beneath my eye. “He pays well.” And after tonight, I’d be able to give the garage enough money that they’d start fixing my car.

“Uh-huh. Maybe he’ll be the one to sweep you off your feet. Wouldn’t you like that? Someone to take care of you?”

“Oh, Kay, life doesn’t work that way. And anyway, I take care of myself just fine.” I turned to her, feeling a strange ache where my heart lay. The truth was, I found myself thinking of Gabriel Dalton more often than I liked since I’d seen him last. I’d woken to the vision of the gentleness in his eyes, the curve of his lips when he smiled, and then the way he panicked when I’d gotten close. The look on his face as I’d moved toward him had felt like something sharp was pressing against an old bruise deep inside. It had hurt seeing him like that. It wasn’t that I felt sympathy for him, although that was part of it, but mostly it had hurt me, and I couldn’t figure out exactly why. It made me feel twitchy and restless. He made me feel twitchy and restless.

That’s what I need you to help me with. Staying.

I wanted to push those words away. I’d felt embarrassed and exposed when he said them after I’d told him I could help him remove himself mentally from a physical encounter. I’d revealed myself to him, and I hadn’t meant to, and now he knew far more about me than I wished him to.

There was a knock on the door, and Anthony stuck his head in. “Gabe’s here, Crystal.”

“Speak of the devil himself,” Kayla said, laughing. Devil? No, an angel, just like I’d first thought. And angels didn’t belong in hell. What had he said to me? Funny, I was thinking the very same thing about you. Why would he think that about me? This was where I belonged. And in any case, there was nowhere else to be. Nowhere.

I felt like screaming. God, I needed to pull myself out of this …funk.

“Thanks, Anthony, I’ll be there in a sec.” He nodded and shut the door behind him.