Million Love Songs(86)

‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.’ Suddenly, he looks as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and my stomach flips over. ‘Seeing Tom like that has made Gina re-think her priorities. She’s been round every day since.’ He’s uncomfortable when he continues. ‘Not just to see Tom, but to see me too.’ Joe is wrestling every word out. ‘She realises that she’s been missing the children.’

I’m too stunned to point out that she’s had a very funny way of showing it.

‘We’ve been talking a lot,’ he adds, flatly. ‘Some of it round in circles.’

My head is spinning too. I’m not liking the way this conversation is going and I don’t know why. But my anxiety is growing and I’m apprehensive about what Joe will say next. I wait for what feels like an aeon.

‘The upshot of it all is that she’d like to give it another go.’ He runs a hand over the shadow of stubble on his chin. ‘Give us another go.’

I feel as if I’ve been punched in the stomach. Out of all of the scenarios, this is the one that I could have least imagined. It’s only natural that Gina would be wanting to cling to her son after what had happened, but I thought she was too happy, too loved-up with her new man to return home. It seemed as if she’d flown the family nest for good. Try as I might, I can’t get my head round it. Does she think she can walk back in, just like that?

When I fail to speak, Joe pleads, ‘Say something.’

But I’m not sure that I have the power of speech. I open and close my mouth a few times but nothing comes out.

‘I have to do this,’ Joe presses on. ‘For the kids’ sake. They want their mum back. You must see that.’

When I finally find my voice, I say, ‘So let me get this straight. She walks out on you, on her family, makes scant effort to see her children and then, when she decides that all in the garden of love isn’t rosy and she might be missing out on something, she clicks her fingers and strolls right back in again as if nothing’s happened?’

Joe sighs. ‘That pretty much sums it up.’

‘And you’re happy about that?’ Outwardly, I sound calm but inside my heart is shattering into a thousand pieces.

‘No.’ He uses those strong fingers, so recently making delicate daisy chains, to massage his forehead. ‘Of course not. I’ve hardly had a wink of sleep this week going over everything time and time again.’

He certainly looks anguished. ‘Do you still love her?’

‘I don’t know,’ he says, honestly. ‘We’ve been together for so long, we have history. Should we throw it away if there’s a chance we can salvage what we had? We’re still married. Even though she left me for someone else, we’ve never actually finalised divorce proceedings.’

Fool that I am, I thought that was simply a matter of logistics rather than emotion.

‘I have to do this.’ Joe looks as wretched as I feel. ‘Don’t you see? Gina and I have a lot of work to do and I don’t think for a minute it will be easy, but I feel as if I have to try for the sake of the family. If we can salvage something from the wreckage, then we have to give it a go.’

Noble words and, frankly, it’s nothing less than I would expect from Joe.

‘Daisy’s only thirteen. It’s a difficult age for a girl – you’ll know that more than me. I know she’d be better off if her mum was home again. Neither of the kids like shuttling between houses, but it affects Daisy most of all. She needs Gina to be around for her.’

The sun’s beating down on my head again, my neck, my shoulders, making me feel queasy.

‘This isn’t really about what I want, Ruby. You know that.’ His fingers find mine across the table. ‘In different circumstances, I think we could really have made a go of this.’

I get a flashback to our bodies entwined on the only night we spent together, the warmth and affection between us, the passion and, foolishly, I hoped for a lifetime of that. And not just that. Not simply the physical stuff. I like Joe, l love Joe – his strength, his honesty, his kindness. Even now while he’s trying to let me down gently, I admire him all the more for it. Where will I find all that again? What will I do without him? How can I admit that I never really had him at all?

Slow tears squeeze out of my eyes, when I really don’t want them to.

‘Oh, Ruby. Don’t cry.’ He thumbs away the tears from my cheek. ‘Please don’t cry.’

‘I can’t help it.’ I’m already grieving for what I nearly had. I know I could have loved him more than his wife. I could have loved him better. But she’s had his children and those ties can never be broken.

‘Will it help if I tell you that I do love you?’

‘No,’ I say with a wavering sigh. ‘I really don’t think that it does.’

‘You’ll find someone. A man who’s worthy of you. You’re a wonderful woman.’ He strokes my hand softly, tenderly and it breaks my heart. I’d give anything to have one last night, one last day with him. For it not to end here, like this.

Yet there’s nothing else that can be said. Gina is taking up her place again in the family unit and I’m out in the cold. There’s no point asking if we can still be friends as I couldn’t bear it.