Marek (Cold Fury Hockey #11)(60)

“G-Pa,” Lilly exclaims in response. “Guess what Mommy and I did this morning?”

“What’s that?” he asks.

“We went to a museum and then we went shopping, and I got some new dresses, and I can’t wait for Daddy to come home so I can show him…”

I straighten up and walk around the counter, intent to put the groceries away while Lilly talks to my parents. I find it fascinating how much Lilly has become attached to Marek in the last four weeks since he’s been interacting with her. The fact that she mentioned him to her grandparents while talking about her day, which did not include him, speaks volumes.

“Where’s Daddy at now?” I can hear my mom’s voice from the phone.

“Playing hockey,” Lilly says proudly. He’s actually on an extended road trip to the West Coast and is due back day after tomorrow.

Ever since Joan and Gale brought her to watch Marek play on Sunday, that’s all Lilly talks about. I didn’t realize what a thrill it would be to see her father out on the ice. He’d shown her hockey on TV, but she didn’t quite understand it until she saw it live, and now all she wants to do is go watch another game.

Lilly chatters on about the game, but my mind drifts as I put away the groceries. I love seeing Lilly so animated and enraptured with her new life here. She’s fit in easily, adapting quickly to going to school and forging a relationship with her father.

I wish it were that easy for me, but I’m more confused than ever over my feelings for Marek. I could kick myself a thousand times for ever letting those three words out of my mouth a week ago.

“I love you.”

I should have had better control. I shouldn’t let my body and my heart interconnect. It was impossible to contain myself, the feel of him inside of me all consuming. So big and thick and filling me up so completely, I could barely breathe from the intensity of the moment.

But those three words managed to escape all the same, and I wish I could take them back. Not because I don’t mean them, but because I do mean them. I mean them with all my heart, and it’s too disappointing that Marek doesn’t want to receive them.

Or at least that’s what I’ve taken away from that night a week ago.

For the next five nights until he had to leave for another road trip, Marek made love to me in his bed. Once Lilly was asleep, he’d silently pull me in there and strip me down. Sometimes he’d fuck me furiously, and other times slowly. Marek had no problem letting his body convey whatever emotions he was feeling for me. It’s been intense, the way he silently worships my body, taking me to the greatest of heights night after night. But he doesn’t love me, and I’m careful never to mention those words again.

How can I when I’ve got nothing but doubt swirling around me now?

Doubt about Marek and my place here in his home. Doubt about whether I should even be here in North Carolina, setting myself up for perhaps another heartbreak.

I can never allow myself to forget what caused the rift between Marek and me in the first place. He left me. He decided he didn’t love me anymore. He wanted a life without me. A life with other things that weren’t me.

I’ve been getting subtle reminders of that, and I’d chosen to ignore those things. But because my heart is getting too wrapped up again with him, I’ve got to keep my expectations low.

Marek FaceTimed Lilly just before she went to bed the other night. It was getting late for her here, but we were cuddled on the couch together watching a movie and I didn’t want that moment to end. I know Lilly’s growing up on me, so I take advantage of all the cuddles I can get.

Lilly went nuts when she saw Marek’s face on my phone screen, and I muted the television as Lilly answered it.

“There’s my girl,” Marek said as he smiled into the camera on his phone.

“Hey, Daddy,” she chirped, holding the phone up so close to her face that I doubt he could see much more than her nose and lips on his end. I grabbed the top of my phone and gently pulled it back so Marek could get a full view of her. “Are you playing hockey?”

Lilly doesn’t understand the road trips. In her mind, Daddy is just always on the ice playing. She doesn’t get the travel or the days off between games. That night he called was an off-night, and I could tell Marek was just freshly showered, as his hair was a little damp.

He’d asked Lilly how her day was and they chattered away as I watched. Then Holt’s face appeared in the screen, nudging Marek to the side. He clamped a hand on Marek’s shoulder and said into the camera, “Lilly! What’s up, princess?”

Lilly giggled but didn’t say anything, just stared at the screen.

“Come on, man,” Holt said to Marek. “Uber driver is here.”

Holt then waved at Lilly. “Night, Lilly.”

“Good night,” she said.

Marek brought the camera a little closer to his face. “I got to go, but I want to talk to your mommy first.”

“Okay,” Lilly said as she turned to hand the phone to me.

Marek’s words stopped her. “I love you, Lilly.”

“Love you too,” she said, and grinned back at him. A beautifully sweet ache thumped in the center of my chest, seeing the love between them and also knowing it was only between them.

Lilly handed me the phone and I turned it fully to me, putting a bright smile on my face. “Hey. What’s up?”