Make Me Hate You(62)

My stomach knotted, and I thought about what I could remember of my mom, of the choices she made, not just for herself, but for us as a family unit.

“What I’m trying to say is that you only have two choices here, Jazzy,” Aunt Laura said, bending to look me in the eyes. “You either fight for Tyler, or you let him go.”

I shook my head. “But I can’t—”

“You have a choice,” she argued before I could get my sentence out. “Whether it’s an easy one to make or not is a completely different story, but the decision is not already made for you. There are consequences on either side of this, whether you run to him or walk away from him forever. But all I ask is that you don’t make the decision based on what you think he wants or needs, or on what you think will be better for his family, or for Azra, or for anyone else. You can’t project what you don’t know for sure. And making a decision based on possible negative outcomes only puts fear in the driver’s seat of your life, my girl.” She paused, shaking her head. “Trust me when I say you don’t want that.”

I rolled my lips together, looking out the window over the dark ocean before I found my aunt’s gaze again. “What do I do? Which one is the right choice?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” she said softly, regrettably. “Only you can. And like I said, there’s no easy right or wrong, no simple path on the other side of whatever decision you do make. You just have to decide which one you want to walk, and whether you want to walk it alone, or with him.”

“And if he denies me?”

Aunt Laura shrugged, and I almost laughed, because it was somehow painstakingly funny that I was in this situation.

There was no answer to be handed to me on a gold platter, no magic words to make everything okay. And even after my aunt had kissed me on the cheek and left my room to go to her own, I lie awake on top of my bedspread with my eyes on the ceiling, thinking over all she’d said, over all I’d been through, over all the different factors that played into the two paths I could take from this moment on.

I didn’t know what to do.

That was the plain, stupid truth of it. I felt my soul ripped in half, in two equal, shredded parts — one pulling me toward walking away from Tyler and leaving him to his happiness with Azra, and one yanking me toward throwing myself at his feet and begging him to walk away from everything safe and comfortable, and fall right into sin with me.

I loved him enough to let him go, and that was what felt right to me.

But I also loved him enough to be selfish, to keep him for my own — consequences be damned.

The sick thing was that I could close my eyes and see both paths play out in living color. I could see me leaving Tyler and this town behind again, going back to California, rebuilding, finding myself, moving on.

I could see me running to him, him breaking Azra’s heart, his family casting their disappointed stares on us, and us working to re-earn their trust.

But perhaps what scenario I saw the clearest was the one my aunt had just called me out for, the one driven by fear. Because I could see, clearer than anything, me confessing my love to Tyler and him telling me I was too late.

Or that he didn’t want me.

That he wanted Azra, and I was right, that night between us had been a mistake.

I choked on a sob — that was how real it played out in my head. And when I rolled to one side on a sigh, I reached over and turned off the lamp beside my bed, crawling into the covers with my heart still heavy and bruised.

One thing I knew for sure was that the answer wouldn’t come overnight, and that it didn’t need to. Tomorrow was about my best friend getting married. Tomorrow was about Morgan and Oliver swearing to love each other forever in front of all their friends and family.

Tomorrow was not about me.

And maybe that’s what I needed. I could throw myself into Morgan’s big day tomorrow, be there for her, celebrate her, and then get on the plane that would take me back home to California. There, I could clear my head. There, I could be alone with my thoughts — truly alone, without pressure from Tyler, or Azra, or Jacob, or anyone else being around.

There, I could make my choice.

I only hoped I’d find the courage to make the right one.





There was magic in the air when I woke the next morning, and every hard and heavy thing that had weighed on me seemed to lift as soon as my eyelids fluttered open. I smiled, dressing quickly in the soft pink bridesmaid robe and slippers Morgan had set out for me, and running down the stairs to the kitchen. I poured up two mimosas, and then ran into her bedroom on the first floor and leaped on top of her with her head still buried under the covers.

“YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY!”

I shook her and squeezed her until her sleepy smile came to life, and she started squealing with me, and before I knew it, we were tearing up and laughing and clinking our glasses together, toasting to a great day and a beautiful future.

“I just want you to know that today is going to go by fast,” I told her when we were sipping the juice and champagne, the rising sun just barely peeking in her room. “Try to soak up every moment. Take mental screenshots. I’ll take as many pictures and videos as I can on the side, too, but just really be here and in this moment, okay? Steal Oliver away later for a little time alone, just the two of you. I’ll make sure people leave you alone. And more than anything,” I said, reaching out to squeeze her wrist. “I hope this day is as perfect as you’ve always dreamed. I am so, so happy for you.”