Lying in Wait(75)

I had retrieved my bag and coat while he made his little speech. He had followed me out to the hall and down the front steps of their dilapidated house. I kept walking.

As it turned out, Finn and Rosie were not successful in persuading Laurence to give up the cottage. I suspect that they didn’t even try that hard. They had decided I was some kind of monster. My darling boy was now desperate to move out. And then Malcolm made everything considerably worse for me.

Laurence had not yet moved out, but he was coming home later and later, sometimes staying away overnight, without offering any explanation. I was careful not to ask questions, but I was sure he was sleeping around. On those nights, he ensured that Malcolm was there, but one night he arrived home at about nine o’clock and I could see from his face that something had happened. He found me in the kitchen.

‘Tell me about Diana,’ he said softly.

‘What?’

He took her framed photograph from behind his back and set it on the table between us. ‘Tell me about the day she drowned.’ He led me to a chair and gestured for me to sit down.

‘Why? I don’t want … What are you talking about?’

‘I remember when I was a child and I asked Dad about her, and he said that she’d drowned at the beach. He said that I must never ask you, because it upset you so much.’

‘He was right. I don’t want to talk about it.’ I made to get up, but Laurence blocked the doorway.

‘I’ve just had dinner with Malcolm. I can’t believe you have kept this secret from me for my whole life. He says I should ask you. It could really help you to talk about it. Tell me about the day Diana drowned.’

‘I don’t remember, I was just a child.’

‘He says you do remember, he says you can never forget it. He says she drowned, and that you blame yourself.’

For a stupid moment, I allowed myself to think that perhaps Malcolm was right. Perhaps sharing the story of the accident would bring Laurence closer to me. It had been quite a while since he had talked to me so tenderly. Everyone had always insisted it wasn’t my fault, and Laurence loved me. Maybe his forgiveness was what I needed.

‘After Diana died, I was sent away to an aunt in the countryside. I didn’t know if I would ever be allowed to come home again. I was lonely and terrified. I’ve never been so frightened. Even now, when I go to the shops, I cannot wait to get home. The feeling of banishment was torture to me. It was only ten months, but to a child it was an eternity.’

‘Mum,’ Laurence exhaled, and a little light entered my soul. I could feel it. Forgiveness was coming. ‘Go on, you can tell me. I won’t judge you, I won’t interrupt.’

‘It was after Mummy left. She didn’t die when we were babies like I told you. It would have been better if she had. Daddy married beneath him. Mummy was not like any of our friends’ mothers. She was loud and brash and wore scarlet lipstick.’

I was transported backwards to a different time, in this house, in its glory days. In my head, I heard Mummy and Daddy bickering in the hall.

‘Daddy spent so much time trying to teach Mummy how to behave in society, but she would come to our school sports day and get drunk and flirt with the other fathers. She always let us down. Diana was ashamed of her, but I loved my mother. And then she ran away with a plumber and I never saw her again. She left us. But I still loved her, stupid me. I could never quite accept that she didn’t love us enough to stay. After she went, everything was just … harder. All the softness disappeared from the house. Diana said she was glad that Mummy was gone. Daddy and Diana were always together, and I was left out. For two years, everything was awful and I was so sad all the time, and then one day Daddy said we could have a party for our ninth birthday. We got new dresses made of peacock silk. Our maid, Hannah, and Tom, the handyman, decorated the garden. It looked so beautiful. The cherry trees were in full blossom. There was a banquet laid out, and bunting was strung from tree to tree. We were so excited, I’m sure we didn’t sleep a wink coming up to the day. Diana and I had invited all the girls from our class, but …’ I choked up at the memory, ‘only Amy Malone showed up. She told us that the others weren’t allowed to come because our mother was a tart.’

Laurence was staring intently. I couldn’t bear for that tenderness to disappear, so I tempered my story, just a little.

‘I didn’t understand what she meant, and Diana said that Mummy had ruined everything and that I was just like her, that I was common, just like Mummy. She called me a hussy and we fought. I pushed her into the water, and she … hit her head. I felt dreadful. I still do. Everyone said that I must forgive myself, but –’

Laurence looked confused. ‘In the bath?’

‘No, darling, in the pond.’

‘Where Dad buried Annie Doyle?’

I was momentarily distracted as I wrenched myself forward in decades. ‘Yes, it was the most suitable place I could think of at the time, we were in such a panic that night …’

Laurence’s eyes opened wide and he stared at me, and I realized what I had just said. I stopped, checked myself, turned to face the sink and the darkened garden beyond. But it was too late.

‘You chose to bury Annie Doyle right there?’ He pointed out of the window into the darkness. ‘You knew?’

‘What? Sorry, I’m confused. We were talking about Diana …’