Lying in Wait(71)

‘Wow! Seriously? That’s cool. Your own home!’

‘Not really, Mum is selling it.’

‘Wait now, who did your granny leave the cottage to?’

It hadn’t occurred to me till now. Earlier, I had thought that we really should sell the place and split the proceeds with Uncle Finn, but Helen alerted me to the possibilities.

‘Your own place. Rent free! What’s it like?’

As I described it, I gradually realized it was perfect, exactly what I needed. Granny had specified that it was for my independence.

‘It’s quite isolated, up a laneway off a tree-lined avenue in Killiney. One large bedroom that stands out over a cliff. There’s a big sitting room with views out to Dalkey Island and the bay. The kitchen is a bit old-fashioned. No neighbours. It backs on to the train tracks on one side, and beyond that, the cliffs and the sea.’

‘Party in your place!’ said Helen, missing the point entirely.

In Rome, Karen had told me she was moving out of her da’s place. I’d been impressed by her ambition to live freely and independently. It was time I did the same thing. I was surprised that Karen hadn’t rung me since she got the letter, but I was busy making plans for our future, hers and mine.

That evening, I told Mum that I was moving out to the cottage at the end of the week. I didn’t dance around the issue. I was quite matter-of-fact and told her that I needed to live as an independent adult and that she would soon see that it would be good for her too. I explained that I would still cover all her bills and expenses and that I would call to see her at least once a week. She would be free to entertain Malcolm whenever she wanted. I was sure that he would be more comfortable in the house if I wasn’t there.

Mum cried and begged me to stay, but I didn’t rush to comfort her. I felt awful, but I couldn’t give in to her again. I needed to be allowed to grow up. She went to her room and remained there for the evening.

About 11 p.m., I knocked on her door to say goodnight. There was no response. I pushed the door open. She was sprawled across the bed, fully clothed.

‘Mum?’ And then I saw the two empty pill bottles.

I shouted at her, pulled her head up. She was breathing but the breaths were uneven and shallow.

‘Jesus! Mum! What –’ But I knew exactly what she had done, and I knew why.

‘Leave me alone,’ she mumbled, ‘I just want to sleep.’ I dragged her out to the bathroom, opened all the windows and positioned her on the floor. I held her jaw open with one hand and used a toothbrush to poke at the back of her throat until she began to retch. I pulled her over to the toilet as she started to vomit.

‘Mum, I have to call an ambulance.’

Between retches she screamed, ‘You can’t, you can’t! They’ll send me back there!’

I knew she meant St John of God’s, and I knew she was right. I left her there throwing up, and belted downstairs and dialled.

‘Hello?’

‘Helen, it’s me, Laurence.’

‘Well, what the fuck time –’

‘Can you come to my house? Right now? It’s an emergency.’

‘Why, what’s happened?’

‘Can you come? Please. My mother has taken some pills, a lot of pills!’

She finally got the urgency of my tone. ‘Is she conscious?’

‘Yes, she’s throwing up now.’

‘Good, that’s good. OK, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.’

Helen was fantastic. Once I explained what my mother had done, Helen took over. She ignored my mother’s protestations and eventually put her to bed, not before removing all of the medications from the bedroom and bathroom. We stayed with my mother until she fell asleep, then we went downstairs.

‘Don’t worry, she won’t try anything else tonight, she’ll be out cold for at least twelve hours. Why did she do it?’

‘I told her I was moving out.’

Helen looked at me with genuine sympathy.

‘You should have called an ambulance.’

‘They’ll only take her back to St John of God’s.’

‘Well, maybe that’s where she needs to be.’

I couldn’t help it then: the tears came to my eyes and I began to sob. I don’t cry gracefully. I heave my shoulders and it’s noisy and ugly. Helen went to the drinks cabinet and poured me a large whiskey.

I took it gratefully and drank half of it in one go, feeling the welcome heat coursing through me.

‘I promised her she wouldn’t have to go back there.’

‘For fuck’s sake, Laurence, that is a promise you can’t keep.’

‘I have to.’

‘You don’t.’

‘Helen, you don’t understand. She doesn’t have anybody else. It’s my duty to look after her.’

‘And what about your duty to yourself? What about living your own life? Are you going to live at home for the rest of your life to stop your mother from topping herself?’

‘I didn’t think she’d take it so badly. I knew she was upset, but I thought she’d see in the end that it was for the best. She’s been quite stable for a few years now. She has a boyfriend –’

‘Will he look after her? Is he kind to her? Like, will he marry her and move in? Is it even a possibility?’